A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:MY girlfriend told me a personal story of her in the very beginning stages of our relationship. It was very vague, but I could see how upset she was. She never went into too many specifics on it, but I could see the anguish it was on her. It was something involving her and another man, a year before we met. It was an instance of something she wasn't very proud of I could tell. It was something I didn't think was a big deal at all, and I didn't understand why she was so upset about it, but I told her it was before she ever knew I existed on this Earth, and she owed me nothing. I let it be, but I let it get to me that I was supposed to tell her things of my past. She was so upset, that it began me stressing about things of my past and if I was supposed to tell her. I called my cousin, whose like a sister, and explained what my gf told me, and she basically told me both of us are worrying about things that are so minor and not hindering anything of the two of us, so let old stories be, and focus on the two of us being happy with each other. I also talked one of my best friends about it that I trust as one of my best friends, and told him that my girlfriend told me this story, that I almost had to laugh at how upset she was about it, because it was nothing major. That being said, I asked him a guys advice and I questioned if I was supposed to open up about something that happened in my past. I told him what my girlfriend told me about her, and he told me that if I wanted to be honest with her about something that happened in my past, it may put her at ease about what she told me, so I told her. I asked her to keep it between us several times, because it involved friends of mine, that she has met. She of course, complied and was okay with it.I mentioned to her the other night about me telling my cousin the story about her, thinking it was nothing major, and she was very upset that I told someone the story. I mentioned to her with what she told me, was so vague, it wasn't a big deal. I asked why she was so upset, and it was mostly because she said it was an extremely embarrasing situation, and she was upset I asked her not to tell anyone about the story about me (including her friends) just because its something better off un said but I turned around and told my cousin. After I told her I told my cousin, she got so upset, that I asked her more specifically about her story, and she told me, in better detail, and after that I understood why she was so upset and why she didn't want me to mention it to anyone. I am stressing now, because I didn't tell her I told my guy friend, in a plea for a mans advice if I was supposed to open of about something of my past. This is a friend of mine, that I trust, and believe he'd go to his grave with it, even tho with what I told him was so undetailed, that noone ever had to be embarrased about it. I have this terrible feeling of guilt on me for betraying her trust, but didn't understand what she was so upset about until much further in detail that she told me very recently, all of which, I'd never repeat to anyone. Last night we were talking, and I mentioned that I understand now if she needs to talk to some of her friends ever with what I told her, or anything in the future, because thats what friends are for, mostly because I didn't think of that when I told her about something of my past. She mentioned she wouldn't say anything because its not important and knows I don't want it said.Do I need to tell her that I told my guy friend too? I don't want to see her so upset again. But with what she told me about when we were first dating, it was so unspecific and vague, that I didn't think it was a big deal, and what I told her was involving people she's met, and being said in a group of friends, could hurt me with some of my friends. Do I have to tell her I told my friend? I saw how upset she was for mentioning to my cousin. I don't want to make her more upset for something that I feel she has nothing to worry about. Was I wrong for asking my buddies advice? Do I need to tell her that I talked to him months ago about it?
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (15 November 2010):
 You did something wrong. Whenever someone tells you something personal you should always RESPECT that it is personal, even if you don't see it as a big deal. And I still can't believe you defend yourself, saying it should be okay to talk to your friends and family about her private stories that she told you in confidence, because YOU don't think it was a big deal. Whilst all along you knew it was a big deal to her, you knew how upset she was because of it. That alone should be enough.
I think you immediately need to talk to your friend and ask him to take that information with him to the grave. You might think you can trust that he wont tell anyone, but just the same your girlfriend trusted you to not tell anyone, and see how that ended up. Then you need to tell your girlfriend. And tell her exactly what you told your friend, and that at the time you didn't understand the importance of her story, and was only seeking advice from your friend.
Next time: if it is a big deal to someone, then it is a big deal, no matter what you personally think of it. Respect the feelings of others, if it is important to them then who are you to tell them is it not a big deal.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 November 2010): No you don't need to tell her unless she asks. You really just need to let this drop. Do you understand? You trust this guy and we all need to talk to friends about things, it's how we make sense of stuff.
But you were very wrong to assume it wasn't a big deal. You saw how much it meant to her she was very upset. You were a fool to put your own opinion on it as not being a big deal. It doesn't matter what you think it's her past and it only matters how big a deal it is to her. Never ever put your own slant on something you're told, always respect someone else and always assume something you're told could matter to that person. If you're unsure then ask. Consider this a lesson learned, yes you do deserve to feel bad about it because you made a foolish assumption. Don't make things worse by telling her about your friend knowing. He's never going to mention it again, you needed his advice and there's nothing wrong with that.
The only thing you did wrong was assuming it wasn't a big deal.
Remember, what might be nothing to you can be something really important to another person. Never assume that people see the same things you do in the same way. You might think nothing of throwing a can in the trash but some homeless person might think that's most foolish thing in the world when you can get money for recycling it.
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