A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I have been with my girlfriend for almost a year and a half now. I am completely in love with her and would do anything for her. Last year I went off to university while she was still in high school. Our relationship remained strong and actually got a lot stronger and we had an amazing summer together once I came back. Our relationship was so strong that there was no way in either of our minds that we would ever break up. Now, I have returned to school but she has also moved on to college 2 hours away from me. I love her to death, but she is no longer treating me like she used to. I understand that she is trying to capture all the new experiences of college, but while she is away she no longer makes me feel important and I feel like her friends at college are way more important than me as she barely sets aside any time to talk to me. Also, when we do talk (we do most of our talking by texting) she will answer my questions but will not add anything to the conversation; she doesn't ask me any questions in return or say anything that I can comment on (e.g. all i could say to her texts are "ya"). Now I have tried to continue the conversation by asking her more questions, but the same result occurs as she does not create any conversation back to me. She tells me that she still loves me and that I mean the world to her, and when we are together we have some good times and I really feel like she's telling the truth, but then right when she leaves she starts doing things again that make me feel like I'm not important. Something that has really bugged me is that she has made a new guy friend and she tells me he is her best friend and she hangs out with him all the time. She eats lunch with him like everyday but has also now started going to his house and hanging out with him there. I understand that she has the right to have guy friends and thats not what bugs me. What bugs me is that she sees him everyday and sees me only every other weekend, but on the weekend when we were together she had her phone attached to her hip so she could answer him as soon as he texted. This does not seem fair to me because most times when we text she will take long periods of time to text me back (e.g. she could take an hour and a half to answer, even at times when she doesn't have class). I feel this is not fair because I feel like she should be just as available to me if not more available than to her friends. And the fact that this guy is making himself completely available to her (he would text her back instantly all weekend long and they talked constantly throughout each weekend day) bugs me also because it shows the he wants to be with her in my mind, like if he was just a friend he wouldn't spend all his time talking to her (doesn't he have other friends to talk to or other things to do?). She tells me that he's just a friend and I am trying to trust her but it still bugs me how she is treating him more like her boyfriend than me, and the fact that she is hanging out with him alone at his house kind of bugs me too, and also I don't trust him because the signs lead me to believe he's trying to get with her (he also just broke up with his girlfriend). I don't know what to do because I love her with all my heart and she says she loves me but as soon as she goes away she treats me awful. I’ve tried talking to her several times but she always gets defensive and feels as if I'm being controlling. I feel like I've tried everything to get her to treat me the way she always has before and I feel like she is no longer trying to keep our relationship strong even though she says she is. A major problem is that she really does not realize that what she is doing is wrong, I can tell from our conversations. She doesn't realize that barely talking to me isn't right when you are in a relationship. I should also probably mention that this sudden dramatic change of feelings (I am having doubts of being with her because shes treating me poorly but shes also having doubts because she thinks Im being controlling) has come over the period of a month (e.g. she has only been at college for a month). Do I have to start letting go or is it a matter of stop trying so hard and see if she starts trying again? Or maybe I just have to stop trying so hard for a little while and give her some space to get used to college (e.g. stay in the relationship but sit back a little and see how things go for awhile)? Or do I just need to relax for a bit and see if things will settle out? Or should I just keep trying hard to talk to her and try to keep our relationship strong (I don't really feel like I can do this because a relationship is about giving and receiving and I don't feel like I can keep trying if she's not going to try)? Thank you for your help.
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female
reader, mizz.butterflies +, writes (18 October 2010):
 do not try any harder.let her come to you. be less available to her. see how this works out. show her your easy going side. show her that two can play that game. if she asks why u are less available say u were busy.dont say u did it 4 revenge
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 October 2010): Thank you for the advice, and I just wanted to give you an update. As I thought and as you suggested, our relationship has come to an end. She was just not as committed as I was and was not ready to commit fully to our relationship. I hate to say it because I believe that even if you are young you can find true love, but she is just too young and not yet mature enough to make the commitment. I'm not saying this is a bad thing because I think it is important to experience life while you can, but age and maturity was definitely the factor causing this to end. I was willing to commit but I have experienced much more in my life and feel I am much more mature, so it is for the best that we broke up because right now it just isn't the right time and just isn't meant to be. Thanks again
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A
female
reader, breath_in +, writes (15 October 2010):
 This is really tough because i can see that you really do care about her and the fact that your willing to do what it takes shows it . however if you can clearly see you've been the one putting a lot of the effort in your relationship its not your fault shes not responding . if shes not willing to work on bettering your relationship then thats her deal not yours .
sometimes you can only give so much
and if its not enough its not enough .
i'm gonna be honest with you and say that you should end this relationship and go your separate ways and enjoy your years in college and get the college experience that come with attending a university .
as you can tell shes adjusting to a new surrounding shes seeing things in a new perspective now because now she has options and what not . i don't want to jump to the conclusion that she could be seeing this guy . but
it sure really sounds like she is . i'm not going to be around bush here and sugar quote it and say shes not but it is a big possibility when a girl hangs a lot with a boy texts him more .. thats a clear sign right there that something might be up . I've been there and done that so i'm telling you right now this is no good . your not being controlling you just don't want to lose her thats all and thats understandable but i think its time to let it go .
if she wants to be with you she'll try and work things out
if not then you know it wasn't meant to be .
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