A
female
age
36-40,
*enL
writes:Hello,So technically my boyfriend broke up with me a year and half ago (in Jan 2012) but he still keeps me around. He said long distance isn't for him but I still love him and have a hard time letting him go. So, every break when I get a chance, I would go back and visit him, and yes we still have sex. I ask him what he thinks about us? Are we still together, not together? He said when I'm in town, it feels like we are still together, but when I'm gone, it seems like we are like friends and not together. He said when we are not physically together, there seems like there is no interaction at all and hence lack the intimacy. I always tried to text him first, but most of the times he only answer my questions and the conversation died soon. And therefore, we don't text/communicate much at all. He said he doesn't like texting and emailing. So anyway, for the longest time after we broke up, I didn't see any guys, until this spring semester I had a short fling with someone; it is a friends with benefits thing. He however, as I just found out from him, that he slept with a girl the same semester right after we broke up, and haven't stop trying to get into sexual relationships with other women. I thought he told me he doesn't like texting and emailing? but he would do that with other women when they gave him their phone numbers and emails. Really? that sort of pisses me off. Yes, technically we broke up and like he said, we are on-and off. So I don't even know whether that is considered cheating, but I feel jealous and hurt. Part of the reason I slept with another guy is because I felt ignored a lot of times and that guy was a nice distraction for me, makes me feels like I'm wanted. My bf on the other hand, seems like he just can't keep his pants up. My friends said he is greedy and wants to keep me around for good times. Which, part of me knows, and I know I'm stupid for sticking around, but I really enjoyed his company and love him. A side note: When we started dating, he was actually with my sister at that time but I didn't know until much later. At that time, I feel like he cheated on both of us. Later, I know that their relationship didn't mean to last long because she was graduating and going away, and she did try to break up with him before, but still...So my question is: with our relationship now,do I have the right to feel jealous if my on-and off bf sleep with another girl? Thanks for your input in advance.
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broke up, friend with benefits, jealous, long distance, text Reply to this Question
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (26 August 2013):
 Well,no. Of course not. Since you are not together, and you broke up quite a while ago, then you do not have any "right" to feel jealous and hurt.
The problem is, with or without the right, you DO feel jealous and hurt so... why are you doing this to yourself ? There's nothing in this for you, other than jealousy and hurt. When he says " when you are there it feels like you are together , but when you are afar it does not " it's just a more elaborate way to say : Out of sight out of love.
You need to cut him off from your life, just go no contact and give up this friendship/relationship which is actually neither, and move on. Or, you need to accept that he is who he is, does what he does, - and what he does will always cause you jealousy and hurt.
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (26 August 2013):
 JenL: How far to you plan to go, to convince yourself that this guy has NO feelings for you... recognizing that you are his convenient TART....and have not a snowball's chance in Hell or ever having more than a "strumpet" "relationship" with him.... You may go on validating yourself - and this scam of a "relationship" for as long as you wish....
BUT.. no matter how hard you pray, this creep is not going to become a decent "boyfriend" to you...
Good luck (you'll need it!!!!)....
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A
female
reader, JenL +, writes (25 August 2013):
JenL is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thanks honeypie, I will take your advise and give it some real thought :)
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (25 August 2013):
 Go out with friends :) It doesn't mean you have to hook up with anyone. Just go and have fun. Dance, laugh at People, meet new people, laugh with friend.
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A
female
reader, JenL +, writes (25 August 2013):
JenL is verified as being by the original poster of the question@Ms Sady,thank you for your input as well. I did have a few guys asking me out previously but I just saw no interest in them, sadly. My friends want to drag me to clubs/bars and socialize, saying that I would meet some really cute guys there. But again, I don't see myself wanting to meet a guy from a club. Most people who go clubbing are looking to have fun, not for serious relationship, if you know what I mean.
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A
female
reader, MsSadie +, writes (24 August 2013):
 "He said I should try to go out more often and meet other people."
I agree with him. My guess is that you have a hard time moving on because you don't have anyone else in your life to move on to. Cut the contact with this dude, and socialize. You're somewhere in the 26-29 age range, so there are plenty of places you can go and things you can do in order to meet people.
Do you have any friends with whom you can hang out?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 August 2013): The answers given are all correct... I was in the exact same situation and I couldn't see it, and like u are doing.. Making excuses for him " yea but I can feel his affection" no dear that's not affection that's him wanting into ur pants. Take it from someone who is mending her broken heart for the same reason.. And yea I was drawn to him and believed the BS too. Leave him xx good luck
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (24 August 2013):
He is NOT your BF, and you are NOT his GF.
If YOU want a decent relationship, then END this "thing" you two got going.
Cut the contact 100%
You have sex with him in hopes that you two are more then you are, he is having sex with you... because you are convenient and there.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 August 2013): "do I have the right to feel jealous if my on-and off bf sleep with another girl?"
No. He is not your on-and-off boyfriend, he is your ex-boyfriend who is free to sleep with whomever he chooses and you are his occasional drop-in piece on the side.
Sorry, but if you are willing to hop into bed with any guy to get attention, no matter how low an amoral low-life scumbag he may be, then I suspect you may have serious self-esteem issues that would be best addressed in counseling.
Men can't disrespect women who respect themselves.
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A
female
reader, JenL +, writes (24 August 2013):
JenL is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for all your help; I really appreciate it. The truth is, I had tried to move on, but eventually I found myself going back to him. Maybe because he was my first love and my first of so many things,that's why it is hard to let go. I know that when we are together he cares about me and I can feel his affection.
I once asked him why people can't be friends after they broke up? he said because it hurts. He said it was hard for him to see me after we broke up because it hurts and a lot of times when he closed his eyes, he found himself looking for me. His eyes were teary when he said that, so I inclined to believe him that deep inside he does care about me a little? I told him if he tells me not to come and see him, I would. He said he wish he can tell me that.
To be fair to him, he did say he worried about me and that our relationship isn't healthy. He said I should try to go out more often and meet other people.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (24 August 2013):
You have become a perfect "L/D" "friend"...... coming to visit and offering sex when you do.... and staying out of the way - out of site, out of mind - when you are L/D...
IF you're happy with that.... then let it go on for as long as you would like..... IF you think you want more from a "romance" or "relationship"... then convince yourself that this is "the one" for you... then sit back and endure the angst to which you are exposing yourself...
Good luck....
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A
female
reader, MsSadie +, writes (24 August 2013):
No, I don't think it's rational for you to be jealous. He's not your on/off boyfriend - you're his booty call.
I know that it's hard to be single sometimes, but for the sake of your sanity and self-respect it's time to end this "relationship" for good. There's a better guy out there for you, but you'll never find him if you keep yourself occupied with your ex.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (24 August 2013):
You have the right to feel whatever you want, but what good is it? He has no obligation to behave in any particular way.
You have to ask yourself this: do I love him so much that I'm going to continue keeping him around as long as possible, even if it hurts me and keeps me from having a meaningful relationship with someone else?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 August 2013): You need to get out of this attached mind frame- why would you what ANY kind of relationship with this scumbag?? He is clearly NOT a caring or moral or respectful person - to date your SISTER whilst simultaneously dating you?? Are you being serious?? This alone didn't ring alarm bells to run and cut all ties with him??
He knows you've got feelings for him and he's perfectly happy to USE you when you let him... There are a lot of men that don't care for anything other than their needs.
He's a lying, cheating, sleaze-bag. Come on if you stay pining for him, you're going to end up really broken and it won't be any water off his back, he'll still be getting anything he can.
You need to be strong and empower yourself to get away from this loser. Ignore any messages, whatever they say, cos he's clearly proved he's only after one thing.
Take care of yourself and good luck xx
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (24 August 2013):
 Nope, he is not your on off boyfriend, he was your boyfriend in the past, now he is your ex boyfriend, current sex partner.
I would just not have anything to do with him quite frankly and let him get on with it, it sounds like you are the one doing all the running around after him and he is putting very little effort into what you have at the moment anyway.
This relationship is a dead loss, move along, there is nothing for you there.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 August 2013): Show him the door girl, lock it behind him and throw away the key. I know you love him but loving him doesn't justify the way you're being treated, you need to break free from it before it brings you down, you deserve so much better than this, and someone who is willing to come between two sisters really is a nasty piece of work.
I hate to say this so bluntly, but you're being used for sex, your feelings are not being considered at all, this guy has absolutely no respect for you. Sorry that's so blunt but I think the more you stay with him, the worse you'll feel and the more damage your doing to your own emotional health.
On one needs this crap! And you need a clean, full blown eternal break from this piece of work. You deserve so much better than this.
I hope you make the right decision, your happiness is very important and you'll never be happy if you stay around this guy. Break the cycle, delete his number from your phone, block his e-mails and delete him from all your social media sites where ye could still be connected.
Good Luck x
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