A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I have always had a challenging yet loving relationship. There's a very strong mutual attraction and although I don't know if he is the man I want to spend the rest of my life with, I have a lot of love for him. He is pretty different from me in a lot of ways and I enjoy many of these differences but unfortunately he also suffers badly from depression - and I would say he has done for a large part of his life, to the extent that he didn't realise there was anything abnormal in never being happy until I spoke to him about many of his underlying issues (childhood sibling bereavement,parents divorcing) He is 29 now and a very hard working, gentle, honest and well meaning guy. He manages a farm which he runs on his own and it means quite often he works very long hours. He wants to do something else with his life but doesn't know what so for the moment is stuck in his job. (A major factor in his depression in my opinion) We have temporarily split up a couple of times because I find his negativity very draining and hard to bare at times. I know he loves me, it took him almost a year for him to tell me it, but I think I have been very special to him from the start. He has said many times he thinks I am too good for him, which of course is nonsense but I understand is related to his low self esteem..So I'll get to the point.. the last week things have been going unusually well between us, no arguments and feeling really close. Yesterday was our one year anniversary. He promised he would come and see me after his work although did say it could be late as the harvest has begun. I made him his favourite dinner, waited as patiently as I could until he arrived at 11:30pm. He was utterly exhausted and still in is work clothes, so he took a shower, we ate and then I gave him a couple of little gifts, a nice tshirt and a CD that I knew he would like. He seemed to really appreciate all the effort I'd made but he hadn't got me anything, not even a cheap bunch of flowers which I would have been happy with. He seemed to feel quite guilty after seeing all that I had done for him and we ate dessert in silence and then went straight to bed without barely even kissing, let alone anything else. To give a bit of background, he doesn't celebrate his own birthday (I put this down to his negative family experience) is against Valentines day saying it's too commercial and isn't much of a fan of Christmas either although he quite enjoyed last year when I took him home to my family.My question is (eventually!) do I have any right to be hurt or upset that he didn't bother getting me a card or any sort of token gift to celebrate our first year together? I don't want diamonds and champagne, just a sweet bit of romance... I'm also annoyed that he didn't arrive till almost midnight! I do appreciate the fact that he had worked a 14 hour day then drove 40 miles to come and see me, but am I expecting too much to additionally want a wee present and an evening dedicated just to us? At the weekend we had spent a couple of good nights together and he does treat me to dinner out quite often so it's not like he is miserly, but I just feel stupid after puting in so much effort and he didn't put in any at all. Seems to be analogy for our whole relationship :(I take any opportunity I can to spoil him and make him feel good. Surely if he really loved me he would do the same? I'm honestly not materialistic but I am fan of silly small presents from time time, tokens of love if you will. For me it's instinctive so it hard to understand why he wouldn't bother especially on our anniversary. Any opinions, similar experiences? Are you a man that loves your woman but aren't big on giving her presents? Or are you a woman who gets lots of presents from your boyfriend but you find it annoying? I'm curious how other people view this. Thanks if you took the time to read all this...Ax
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anniversary, cheap, christmas, flowers, kissing, self esteem, split up Reply to this Question
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male
reader, Sphronas  +, writes (29 August 2009):
 See, he IS a really good guy! I hope you keep making each other happy for a long time to come.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 August 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question...came home from work yesterday to find a massive bunch of sunflowers and white roses, along with a couple of pretty amazing presents waiting for me in my bedroom. Honestly way more than I would ever have hoped for, and after thanking him a LOT , told him off properly for spoiling me too much! I know, I know - first I complain he gets me nothing, then that he gets me too much. Some people are never satisfied eh. Did I actually try and say I wasn't neurotic? :)
Thanks for the feedback anyway guys.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 August 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you Sphronas, I do need to ask myself honestly about doing sweet things and expecting like in return. I didn't believe I was guilty of that but what you said touched a nerve so perhaps I need to think a little deeper. As for him seeking help, he is very apprehensive about making the first step. The part of Scotland we come from men are expected to be macho and not ever show any sign of weakness. (Interestingly suicide is the biggest killer of young men in our area which I'm certain is a direct result of the repressive culture..) His Dad is pretty much the same, as are his friends and he's never talked to anyone about his feelings other than me so for him to talk to a stranger about his these things.. well it's a big step. He has realised though that he has do something for his peace of mind and if he is ever to have a successful relationship with anyone.
Lazy Guy, I found your comment unnecessarily belittling, presumptuous and not really very helpful. You didn't even properly read what I wrote before opening fire with your indictment. He might **work** on a farm **at the moment** but believe me there have been plenty days and evenings full of doting in the year we've been together.. We've had our share of disasters as well. And for the record I can't think of one self help book I've ever read! Do you suppose I like soap operas, chick flicks and shopping as well just because I'm female? Or do you just assume any female talking about an emotional situation must be a neurotic?
I'm a furniture maker to trade and while I have my moments of self doubt like anyone, can handle myself just fine thank you very much. ;)
"Opposites attract, this is true but only when these opposites NEED each to balance them. An introvert who wants to party can make it with an extrovert who wants to spent some more time at home reading a book."
I like what you said there though, that does neatly sum up the attraction between me and C.
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male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (26 August 2009):
 Sometimes when you read these posts, you can just see the train wreck in progress.
There is you, a person who read one to many self-help books putting things into the relationship that ain't there. Am I at all right in thinking you can "help" him?
He has issues as well, wether he is depressed (I do notice a non-suprising lack of a medical diagnosis) or just a somber man is anyone's guess but the two of you are a disaster waiting to happen.
He is a farmer, they work long hard hours every day of the week. You want your guy to spend an entire evening doting on you. That don't work together. Farmers need women who can handle themselves. You need someone who wants to examine their traumatised past-lives together.
Opposites attract, this is true but only when these opposites NEED each to balance them. An introvert who wants to party can make it with an extrovert who wants to spent some more time at home reading a book.
Perhaps I got it all wrong, but reading your post, I just got this mental image of two completly incompatible people.
Either you learn to adjust, or split up.
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A
male
reader, Sphronas +, writes (26 August 2009):
Let's put it this way: He came to see you after what was probably a fifteen-plus hour workday for him so that the two of you could celebrate your anniversary. Is that not in itself a token of his love? Why would a cheap bunch of flowers make you feel better?
He sounds like a really good guy who has a very demanding and time-consuming job. My guess is that he simply cannot find the time to think about presents that you would like. Also, he does not place great importance on gifts and celebrations. Many men are like this. (I have to plead guilty myself -- it takes a tremendous amount of effort for me to remember birthdays, anniversaries etc. and even more effort to think up gifts that express what I feel for my wife.)
So I suggest you do two things: First, do nice things for him because you want to, not because you expect to be repaid in the same way. Second, tell him that he makes you happy just the way he is, but that an occasional symbolic token of his love, such as a nice (not a cheap!) bunch of flowers, would make you even happier -- not, because you are materialistic but because it would show that he has thought about you while you were apart.
With that out of the way, you should then try to convince him to do something about his depression. This is something that requires professional help and he should not be ashamed to seek it.
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