A
female
age
41-50,
*radagirl
writes:I am 30 and have been dating my boyfriend for 5 years. I love him I think but I have terrible 'grass is greener' syndrome. I cheat on him when I get the opportunity and I constantly think of my high school boyfriend with whom i split up with years ago. It's ridiculous, i should not be thinking of someone who i dated so long ago and who is now happily married. My partner and I get on so well, we are constantly laughing but we don't seem to have the passion that I crave from these other men. Problem is I'm not prepared to take a chance on dumping my partner because i am aware that if we split up i would miss him terribly and these other men are probably not half the man he is. So many people say if you cheat you don;t love your partner like you should. Ok it might be true but is it not possible to feel the way I do and have a successful relationship despite this? Maybe I am just immature and need to grow up or maybe I am with the wrong one. I would like to know if anyone has been in my situation and gone on to have a fulfilling life and got over their 'grass is greener syndrome'Thanks
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 August 2008): Hi, I have to say I am suffering this torment myself at the moment, the only difference being that I have never actually had it in me to cheat because too much is at steak for me if I was caught out.
I feel like your post put the way I am feeling into words that I couldn't. I also have an ex that is now happily married yet I find myself thinking of him and I also have a friend that I work with that drives me wild, who I think would be good for me - but my partner is a great guy, he supports me financially and has emotionally supported me through some tough times. I know the grass is not greener but perhaps the grass I have isnt that which I want.
As heart rendering as it is I think you need to leave your partner and find out what it is that you want. Your partner doesnt deserve to be cheated on, I think if you can do that to him then there really is not point in sticking around. x
A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 August 2008): Does your current boyfriend care about you? Does he worry about you when you are out or away from him? Does he treat you well? Does he respect you? While he may have certain flaws or little things that could be better, you need to get past that. It seems like you are using those little things to think that there is someone better, yet it sounds like your current boyfriend probably does care deeply about you, and your afraid to break up with him and end up with nothing.
While you might feel a sense of passion with these other guys it is because it is something spontaneous and dangerous and completely wrong, yet maybe a little fun, but you will realize that these random guys probably don't care for you like your actually boyfriend.
Stop cheating on him, or break up with him. Your relationship isn't going to go anywhere in the future if you continue to cheat on him.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 August 2008): live by this credo--" you are what you choose to do". There are no real theories, or reasons why you do what you choose to do. The only way around this 'grass is greener' myth, is to become self-aware and learn to learn first to love yourself, so you can give to your bf, in the way he deserves. To me, it sound like you cheat because, the intimacy and the neediness of being desired by other men boost a flagging self-esteem and it helps you feel good about who you are. But cheating just makes you feel worse after the act is over and done with, doesn't it. What a sad cycle this is. You have to be careful here, because you are meeting a short-term need at a greater cost than perhaps, you will ever, ever fathom or realize. Cheating is very selfish, because despite the fact that one has entered into a committed relationship with another person they choose to act as though they are the only one whose feelings, needs and desires matter. Everytime you are tempted to cheat on your bf, try to resist the temptation of your own ego..remember to behave like you are worthy because you most certainly can be! Respect the integrity of your bf's personhood and recognize that this respect is all part of the intimacy that entails long term love. So all these temptations and energies you put into cheating should be detoured back into your relationship with your bf. Honor your committment to him and practise fidelity! It will add meaningfulness to your relationship. If you still feel that you can't stop cheating, after all this...then the only other option is to cut your bf lose. He wants a honorable, loyal partner and a relationship that has integrity....we all want that. Let him go and find one, better suited for himself. Don't string him along. Good luck dear and hope you can get through this. Take care and choose wisely.
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A
male
reader, Bos Jimmy  +, writes (6 August 2008):
You can definitely be in your situation and go on and have a fulfilling life. No worries there. BUT you might not be in a relationship with the same dude, as the two aren't mutually exclusive. In fact I think many would say it's possible for certain people to have a fulfilling life with all kinds of unconventional relationships, or indeed lack of them.
But you sound guilty. You're definitely the wrong one if he really thinks you're being monogamous. You might be this way because you might well need to do a little growing up. Part of being and "adult" whatever the truck that means is too reign in some of ones urges and gain more understanding and control over oneself... which ironically for some people is in being able to go a bit looser and stop trying so hard to control themselves. Only you can decide if it's because you need to grow up a bit, I suspect it might be true because you specifically asked about it.
Here's another thing, it goes "the grass is ALWAYS greener on the other side of the fence" and that expresses of course the great human tradition of never being quite satisfied with ANYTHING... great in lot's of ways in certain areas, and certainly the reason we're all here today, but in love and sex it makes things nice and complicated.
Your more specific urge is natural, varies wildly across different people, and I think there are three paths:
1) Be honest and explain the situation, get permission, make a deal, compromise, etc.
2) End it.
3) Keep doing nothing until something makes a move for you.
Genuine Type A's will choose 1 or 2. You're already feeling a bit guilty, which no doubt makes the interludes way more exciting... but watch out, that behavior pattern is addicting because it can yield such intensely exciting payouts without instant negative consequence. The bad just builds until something happens, then it all tends to hit the fan at once ha...
Hope this helps somehow,
Bos Jimmy
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