A
male
age
36-40,
*yan_Boxer
writes:HiI've got a bit of a problem with a certain girl and from what I've read on askmen.com I think you would be able to help. I know your a busy person, but I would be greatful if you could lend a helping hand. Basically I grew up with this girl in a small town and when were younger she always had the hots for me. I found out from my sister, because she asked her to tell me. She was two years younger then me, so it was a sort of childhood love. Anyway I moved away for about 3 years and now I've moved back close to the town. I met up with her about a year ago and we really hit it off well. And oh my word has she changed, she's now 18 and I've just hit 20. We flirted like mad when she was at the edge of a realationship with an ex. When they broke up, we dated for a bit, went to the movies ect. This lasted a month. Next thing I know she gets this 5'3 small weird looking boyfriend. Sorry just I'm annoyed when I think about it. She's been with him for about 3 months and me and her have been mates during that time. Her friend threw this massive house party, about a month ago. She called me and asked me to bring 2 mates and asked if we could be the "bouncers" I had nothing better to do, so we went. Stood up to a group of about 20 jocks and saved the day. My mates had never met her before, and they said at the end of the night "that girl loves to tease you ryan" for example she would hug me tightly and give me really saucy looks afterwards. And when trouble turned up at the party, she went outside to tell the gate crashers to "get lost" because she knew I would protect her no matter what, while her boyfriend wouldn't come out of the house. A little while after that I hadn't seen her for about 3 weeks so I messaged her saying that I missed her and hadn't seen her for a while. She texted back saying "this is going to have to stop Ryan, I'm with Simo (her boyfriend) now." Obviously this confused me as I wasn't being pushy and obsessive as that isn't my nature and I know girls will think your "Clingy" I thought she must be serious about her boyfriend. So i just left it for about a month and saw other girls. The problem is i met up with her the other night and everythings going well again. But shes giving me thoses looks and laughing at my jokes, sitting on my lap and leaning against me. All those sorts of things. I've got a free house in the week and shes coming round to catch up, get a pizza and watch a movie as "mates" I really don't know what to do. I mean I would cut her loose if I could, but I can't. Even when I'm with other girls I feel bad for them, cause I'm thinking of her. I'm 6ft, athlectic (amature boxer), I get told a lot I'm good looking, I'm confident, I make everyone laugh, I've got loads of friends. I just think shes the perfect match for me. I know it's wrong but I believe I'm better then her boyfriend. It's immoral, but it's male instinct to fight for a woman your really attracted to. I wouldn't steal anyones girlfriend normally. But I just want to be with her so much... She always thought of me as a player because I have had a few girls in the past. I think she didn't want to end up a notch on my belt or what ever girls see it as. I have the feeling shes trying to play the "game" with me. But I have no intentions of playing her or anything like that. Please tell me what you think. Cheers Ryan.
View related questions:
broke up, flirt, player, text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 August 2008): Hi Ryan,
I'm glad you got more response to help with your problem. We might be wrong, we might be right, but you pays no money and you takes your choice... lol... Good luck tonight, we're all crossing our fingers and wishing you well. I'm hoping everything works out and don't forget to come back and update us on what happened with you and her.. Good luck, blessings.
A
female
reader, Artistry  +, writes (7 August 2008):
 Hi, This is my thought, if she is not in to you, and is only playing the flirting game, she will show no emotion regarding what you say to her about this fictious woman.
I would just start by telling her you want a woman's opinion and you feel she will give you an honest answer.
Do not, repeat do not reveal in that conversation, that you are talking about her. You don't know if she will just go ballistic on you, not want to talk to you for a while or what. You don't want that revelation to be in the conversation, because at that point she will not know how to take it. This is only to be a way of reading her words and her body language. You would bring a whole new set of emotions into the equation, if you reveal what you were doing. It is the truth, it is just about her and no one else. So keep it to yourself, for now, otherwise it could backfire. Take care of yourself. Good luck.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 August 2008): Ryan,
There comes a point when you have to decide whether you want to do the right thing for you or for her.
Unfortunatley, blending the two in together sometimes creates a mess...
I know you really want her and I know exactly how you feel. I know it seems impossible when you have to get over someone you love and care about so much, but it is possible. She knows you like her, and if you get obsessive it destroys all possiblities of something in the future. It also destroys your own life. It erodes away at everything you ever stood for.
In the mean time, either way this is going to be hard. You could go through the painful battle of getting over her? Or you could be the best, most caring friend she could ever hope for - obviously giving her the space she deserves - and wait for something to happen. If she knows you care and you consistently stand by her, she might eventually fall onto you.
It really depends on whether you want to hang onto something that might never happen...
She is being pretty good with not staying away from you. Sometimes the girl completely cuts the contact with you, ignores you and you don't speak to them again for months. However this might be the way you have to get over her if this is what you choose.
And I really know it seems impossible but, with constantly care, support and endurance you can do it. It may seem hypocritical of me saying all this is possibility, but it does take time. If you get depressed - and this is hypocritical of me - seek consuelling. It will help and you need to do it before it destroys your life.
Sorry I can't bring better news, and I went off topic slightly.
...............................
A
male
reader, Ryan_Boxer +, writes (6 August 2008):
Ryan_Boxer is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWow. Cheers :) it makes sense. With a bit of luck she's coming round mine tomorrow for pizza and a movie. I will try and do what Artistry adviced. Don't worry if it doesn't work I wont blame you.Doing something is better then nothing =D
I'm not quite sure how to start, she always asks me "hows the girls ryan?" taking the mick. Which i usually answer with "which one?" laughing and she knows I'm joking. I might say something like "Well there's only one at the moment, but she's quite difficult to figure out... I'm not sure if she like's me or not to be honest. What to you think is the best way to figure out if a girl likes you?" and then see what she says and build from there.
We're really open with each other, so she won't lie to me. Even though I'm talking about her, she can't actually prove it, she might have an inkling, which is what I want.
It seems like a plan. But if it does go really well I will be tempted to tell her it's her. But once again I know she will be like "Simo this, Simo that."
Thanks again =D will tell you how it goes ;)
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 August 2008): Excellent answer from Artistry. You're 100% that she likes you which is a good start. Basically you've just got to let her know how you feel about her. Tell her in words of one syllable if you have to but make sure she gets the message that you want her. It's no use beating around the bush, just pluck up some courage and tell her you'd like to be more than just her bodyguard, you want to be her protector for life. She's still a bit young though, and has some living to do and mistakes yet to make.
Faint heart never won fair lady. If she's not interested in you in that way (and I doubt that) she'll tell you. Maybe you're destined to be her 'big brother' figure, and if that's the case you'll just have to accept that, but it doesn't seem likely from where I'm sitting.
Take a deep breath and tell her you'd be much better for her than the weird Simo dwarf and see how she takes it. You've got two chances - she'll either accept ot not.
Best of luck mate, and if at first you don't succeed, try, try, try again until you get a kick in the nuts - which ain't gonna happen!
...............................
A
female
reader, Artistry +, writes (6 August 2008):
Hi there, Sometimes, a woman may have insecurities about a man who they really like. You don't flirt with a guy, sit on his lap and make goo-goo eyes at him, if you are not attracted to him, or like him a lot. So that much is clear. My thought is that she is afraid that you will not repsond accordingly, if she lets her guard down, so she hides with the short guy, not that there is any thing wrong with being short, but you know what I mean. Somehow we have to draw her out. Why not make up a fictious woman who you are contemplating asking out, go to your friend, say you have a minor problem and you want to pick her mind. In essence, you are going to be talking about her, so ask her with facts that are based on another person, that's what you want her to think, and make the questions about your relationship with her. You want to know what you should do to find out if this fictious woman, who is based on her and her actions, likes you seriously or not and what you can do to draw the two of you closer, because you like her a lot. See what her reaction is and what advice she gives you, if she is smart, she will know instinctively who you are talking about, and let's see if she provides real clues to her thinking, or if she get jealous. If she gives you ckues, thinking it is someone else. use the things she tells you on her, if she gets jealous, you know then that she cares. It should be a win, win situation for you. Try it and let me know how it works out. Don't break down and tell her you are talking about her, because she may retreat into her shell, thinking you mislead her. We want to try to bring out what she is really thinking without telling her or asking her about herself. Good luck and take care. Please write back as to how the meeting went. Thanks.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 August 2008): I've asked for some help... Hell, if she dosen't want you I'll take you myself. I'm too close to your question, I might get it wrong, I'm a romantic at heart. Hopefully some other aunts will respond, but if not, you'll have a reply from me tomorrow. Take heart dear Ryan, we can work this thing out, but with romance, love and relationships, you may not get the answer you like. Take care of you. We can solve this thing together, and thank you for your prompt response, it has made things a whole lot clearer.
...............................
A
male
reader, Ryan_Boxer +, writes (6 August 2008):
Ryan_Boxer is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI don't really know what happened to be honest. We went to movies it was a gd laugh and I loved it, then we got some pictures taken of us. She was laughing the whole time and it wasn't awkward at all. Saw her again and went round her house, chatted with her mum, who loved me. Went out afterwards. I think the problem was I couldn't butt up the courage to actually do "anything" while I was with her... Like make a move or anything. I know it sounds stupid, when you really like, like someone. The thought of rejection and her pulling away sends shivers down your spine. I'm not scared of doing things with girls as I've slept with more then one. But I think me not making a move might of made something in her mind click I honestly don't know.
A few days after that I popped on msn and it said "Love Simo" in her msn name. I asked about it and she said it was her new boyfriend. Obviously I was gutted...
But yeah I am basically her "White Knight" as you've put it. She runs to me with anything that's gone wrong. If boys are being horrible to her, she knows I will speak to them and they will stop ect.
I want to tell her how I feel... But to actually say blunty how I feel I think could end up as a mistake. But I am 100% she likes me. Anyone who's seen us can easyily tell. She even told me she liked me when she broke up with her ex.
But this Simo kid isn't my friend lol I met him once at the party and made him look like a loser because he wouldn't even come out of the house to help me and two mates get rid of a couple of trouble makers. I think he said something like "If you want Katie I will say something to them" but he was scared and she told him not to do anything saying "Ryan will deal with it." The whole night i could tell Simo was looking at me in a strange way.
And another time I met him, he was drunk in a kabab shop with his mate. Totally spaced out on a friday night. I just looked at him and thought "What the..." I wouldn't say he was a geeky intelligent guy. Hes just a small skin head "wanna be" hard man type.
Hope that makes it a bit more clear. :) Cheers for helping btw :)
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 August 2008): PS: Sorry for the delay, it has been really busy recently. As you can see, this site has intenational users of all different ages, and I'm hoping you get more than just one response. If you need more advice from a different person, I'd suggest you try posting your question again using a different title. Again sorry for the delay, we've had a busy night.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 August 2008): Why not just wait until her relationship with the other guy implodes? She's just 18 and flirting around. It's better that she works this out before, not after, she goes out with you. Meanwhile, think about why she might be interested in the "short guy". He might be very good at intelligent conversation, share some of her hobbies, or be good at making her feel loved or needed. You've got all the other bases covered (looks, humor, friends) so why not use this time to think about developing some other aspects of yourself?
She might feel insecure with you, or maybe you're not providing everything she needs in a man. She's definitely attracted to you, so you're already halfway there. If you were able to supply everything that this Simo guy has, you would probably be irresistible to her. You don't have to beat him at his own game (become a leading intellectual or whatever), but just supply enough of whatever it is, to satisfy this girl's needs.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 August 2008): Hi Ryan,
Thanks for getting in touch, and thanks for the information about askmen.com, that will be usefull for some men with other problems. Anyway, now on to you and your problem.
You and this girl dated a bit, what happened, why did she get involved with this short "wierd" guy?
Anyway, she's still with the short guy, but your her protector, her white knight, the guy she runs to when she has trouble. Normal when you've been childhood friends, she knows she can trust you. She texts you a response to your friendly call "this is going to have to stop Ryan, I'm with Simo (her boyfriend) now.".. Well either her boyfriend has jealously issues, or she herself has deeper feelings than she lets on.
OK, your good looking, girls like you, your strong and courageous and she's always had romantic feelings for you. She flirts like hell when your arround, she trusts you to always be there to help you out.
This guy is not your friend, you and him aint mates. If I was a man in your situation, I'd go and get back my girl. To me, it seems she always be yours, short guy withstanding. You need to be seriously wanting her, or back off and don't get involved. My instincts tell me, that this girl loves you, but dosen't think she's good enough. If you love her, and mean to keep her, then go after her and get her back. But be carefull if your not serious, because you will break her heart.
Before you do anything, I'd like you to give me the answer to the question I asked. You two already got together, what the hell went wrong. Please update and give me a reply before you do anything else.
...............................
A
male
reader, Ryan_Boxer +, writes (6 August 2008):
Ryan_Boxer is verified as being by the original poster of the question" from what I've read on askmen.com I think you would be able to help. I know your a busy person, but I would be greatful if you could lend a helping hand." Hey sorry about that, I was originally going to send it to "DocLove" But the email wouldn't send, so i posted it here.
...............................
|
