A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My fiance and I have been together for two and a half years, and engaged just two months. We've always had a great relationship. I was so touched when he said yes and soaked up all the engagement bliss during the first month. During the second month, I suddenly feel... unexcited. I suddenly feel trapped and sad. I'm thinking about the men i have dated and all the (imaginary) future men i will not be able to meet. I have never had these thoughts before. I was always and simply committed to him. In fact, i was single for five years before him (dating but not boyfriend/girlfriend) since i graduated college at 23. Other than my only experience is college boyfriends.He has always been enough. But suddenly, he is not romantic enough and not organized enough. We are visiting wedding venues now and I feel nervous as we approach our personal deadline for securing a wedding venue and putting down a joint deposit.We have been living together for two years, the majority of our time together. I have always imagined to feel different after getting engaged or married. But I don't. Which i suppose is normal, and considering we already live together, the only new thing would be combined finances. We don't want kids. I have always fantasized about marrying him (the marriage, not the wedding) and building a life together. I have always thought the engagement would be the most exciting time of our lives. But somehow, it feels stressful. He feels happy and normal, and i feel so guilty to have these secret thoughts. I feel like it's a huge responsibility i want but somehow am not ready for.Do i have cold feet or am i overthinking? Or perhaps I should take these thoughts more seriously?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2019): You have cold feet. Thats all. You said yourself, you always imagined the wedding, not the marriage. Now you're realizing that getting married actually means! Of course it's scary, especially when you haven't actually mentally prepared yourself for it.What could help is that you start imagining your married life. How will it be? What do you hope for, what do you fear, and what's reasonable to expect? Formulate these thoughts. Maybe even write them down. The three essential parts as: hopes, realisitc and fears. Once you get a grasp on that, I think you will feel much more in control.Also think about/write down why you want marriage. Not why you want your boyfriend (you already had him), but why you want marriage in itself. Thinking about men you will never have sex with is just an irrational thought that comes from fear and nothing else. I mean come on. You were single for 5 years, if you really wanted to sleep around you would have done it already. No use regretting opportunities you didnt even grab when you had them. It's like being sad you wont get to jump in a parashoot when you've always been terrified of hights. What joy would you possibly achieve from it, and how likely is it that you'd actually do it? It's nothing more than a fear of loss of freedom. And yes, marriage IS loss of freedom to sleep with others. So come to term with that and figure out why you want get married, or if you actually want to sleep around. My guess is, you dont actually want to sleep with future hypothetical men. You just fear loss of freedom. Marriage comes with a price, and now is the time to choose if marriage is worth giving up future hypothetical men for. Then once you've made your decision, stick to it.
A
female
reader, Aunty Susie  +, writes (30 January 2019):
 I'm not convinced that you're ready for marriage. If you haven't set a date yet - don't. There isn't any burning need to rush the wedding, is there? You say you've been living together as a couple for two years, and yet you still haven't combined your finances. When you said "putting down a joint deposit", this rang alarm bells for me. This to me is not a couple who are sharing everything. Don't get me wrong, I believe in having your own money, but there should be "our" money for this exact occasion. Why not have a conversation with your fiancé about the fact that you're feeling a little overwhelmed by the wedding details. If you think it might be a good idea, why not suggest a joint account specifically for the wedding, so that you're both involved.
You do have a lot of doubts. So please think carefully before going ahead with anymore planning. Talk to your fiancé, talk to friends and/or family. There is always cold feet and overthinking, but don't ignore your gut feelings either. Listen to yourself.
Take care xx
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A
female
reader, Aunty Susie +, writes (30 January 2019):
I'm not convinced that you're ready for marriage. If you haven't set a date yet - don't. There isn't any burning need to rush the wedding, is there? You say you've been living together as a couple for two years, and yet you still haven't combined your finances. When you said "putting down a joint deposit", this rang alarm bells for me. This to me is not a couple who are sharing everything. Don't get me wrong, I believe in having your own money, but there should be "our" money for this exact occasion. Why not have a conversation with your fiancé about the fact that you're feeling a little overwhelmed by the wedding details. If you think it might be a good idea, why not suggest a joint account specifically for the wedding, so that you're both involved.
You do have a lot of doubts. So please think carefully before going ahead with anymore planning. Talk to your fiancé, talk to friends and/or family. There is always cold feet and overthinking, but don't ignore your gut feelings either. Listen to yourself.
Take care xx
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (30 January 2019):
 Maybe you expect your marriage to be perfect and you feel stressed that you won't be able to deliver your best. Allow yourself to be imperfect and allow your fiancé times that he can't be romantic and organized. The purpose of marriage is for deep connection and for spiritual growth. No one asks you to be perfect, and no one asks you to never age or feel tired. If combined finances is what concerns you, discuss with your fiancé about expenses that should be combined, and which ones should be kept separate. You don't have to hold your thoughts to yourself. At the same time you have to be careful of how you express yourself. You can be open about the parts that stress you out and you want to lean on to him for support. For things that you don't feel comfortable telling him or you worry that you would hurt his feelings, I suggest you to talk to your mom first.
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