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age
36-40,
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writes: I feel like a complete fool. Tonight I did something stupid and opened a message on my fiance's phone. I didn't even read the message bit then lied to him when he asked me if I had read his messages. I did come clean and it has really upset him. He said things like you need trust in a relationship. I do trust him. I honestly have no idea why i lied! He has now stormed off to work and he won't be bavk until the morning, if he comes back. Have I just ruined the best rhing thats ever happened to me with one completely bad decision?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 February 2019): Sorry but I'm siding with the people that think something is off here from his hugely angry reaction. Maybe mild annoyance wouldn't have raised flags, but the red flags are WAVING. I don't usually check fiance's phone, nor vice versa, but if either of us did I cannot see a reaction like that resulting. Maybe a laugh like "oh what are you doing?". As someone said, it is similar to looking in a filing cabinet, which again may invoke minor annoyance but nothing else if there is nothing to hide.And it is VERY common to check each other's phones in relationships occasionally. Sorry but I think he IS definitely hiding either porn or messages from others he doesn't want you to see.
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male
reader, Phil052  +, writes (1 February 2019):
 I think you just need to give him time, apologise, and see if you can pick things up again. It was a momentary lapse and shouldn't be blown up into something huge.
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male
reader, N91 +, writes (31 January 2019):
 As honeypie said, just because one relationship allows it, doesn’t mean another couple would be happy with it. I have absolutely nothing on my phone to hide from my GF but i would be extremely annoyed if I came across her looking through my phone. Your phone is your personal belonging, it’s the same as someone going through your drawers or filing cabinet. It has confidential things on there that are for your eyes only whether it’s your partner, mother or sister looking, it doesn’t matter and it’s an invasion of privacy.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 January 2019): I also find his overreaction strange . What is he hiding ? Another woman ? Porn? There’s definately something shady about this dude for him to react so strongly
I would understand him wanting to discuss the issue of trust but not such an intense reaction . I think you dodged a bullet with this one and definately not ‘the best thing of your life ‘ like you think
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (30 January 2019):
 To the anon female who wrote:
"Am I the only one finding it a bit weird that he reacted so strongly?"
You go on to explain that in YOUR relationship it's the "norm" to check each other's phones when you hear a beep. Which is ALL WELL and good IN YOUR relationship.
In OP's relationship (I presume) they don't do that. It's the NORM for them to NOT check each other's phones. So he might have been a TAD over dramatic, but if this was something he just NEVER thought she wold do, it might make more sense.
I don't check my husband's phone. I do tell him - if he was away from his phone and it "beeped" - that he has a text or got a call. I DO NOT answer his phone. There is no point for me to do so. Just like HE doesn't answer mine if it rings. Because whomever CALLED called him OR me.
So what goes for ONE relationship, might not for another.
Do I think my husband would be pissed off if I checked his phone? I seriously doubt it. I wouldn't be pissed if he checked mine either. But I would wonder and question WHY.
So in short, you can't compare YOUR relationship to OP's and say YOURS is the "norm" and her's is not. It's the NORM in yours to have no privacy with phones and it's NOT the NORM in hers.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (30 January 2019):
 So, to sum up, everything has been humming along with every one all happy with no issues or problems whatsoever, and this one incident of a brain fart results in you lying, him storming off and you wondering if he’s even going to come home.
Hm.
Perhaps there’s more happening? Some back story or history we aren’t aware of?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2019): Am I the only one finding it a bit weird that he reacted so strongly? My partner and I read each other's messages. For example, maybe he'll be cooking and his phone will beep and I'll look over and go "Oh, you've got a message from Daniel on Facebook" or something, and he'll ask what it says and get me to write a reply. My fingerprint can unlock his phone, and I don't even have a password on mine. The worst thing that could happen is I might later find some awful selfies he's taken.
From your partner's overreaction I would actually start wondering if he does have something on his phone to hide. Looking at one message alone isn't much of a reason to blow up like this, and all the "I can't trust you" after a small lie that you owned up to is quite over the top.
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (30 January 2019):
He’s your fiancé. Was this the very first time anything like this has happened? Is this a perfectly harmonious and mutually satisfying and enriching relationship?
Do you randomly make bad decisions? Is he a calm and reasonable trustworthy guy?
There are some puzzle pieces missing here.
The first one you need to find is why you would open a message on his phone. The rest will follow.
Please update us, thanks!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2019): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIt was a complete brain fart moment. I can only describe it as a complete lack of judgment on my part. And I shouldn't have lied to him.
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (30 January 2019):
So why did you open it?
Yes, I think it's wrong to go through a partner's phone. I know many younger than me people think it's "normal" and their "right", because if he doesn't have anything to hide you should be "allowed".
I don't agree with that at all. There IS a sense of PRIVACY in a relationship or marriage. And that IS OK. Most people themselves bring up who just texted or called or whatever so it's not like things are hidden on purpose. BUT it is THEIR choice when to.
Now someone might say, well if I didn't snoop I would never have found out he cheated. Yes, you would. You snooped because you FELT something was off. (general you by the way).
VIEW a phone or device as something like a diary. You wouldn't read someone's diary without invitation, would you?
Give him some space, don't bombard him with apologies and BE honest with him. WHY did you open it. Lying won't help you or using the term "I don't know why I did it.. is bullshit too".
It's not about whether you READ it or not... it's WHY you picked up his phone and clicked on it. THAT is what you need to explain to him.
And hopefully you can BOTH learn from this.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2019): I think before you do anything else, or make any decisions, you need to ask yourself why you opened a message on your boyfriends phone. Does he have a password on his phone? Did you hack his phone, or he gave you the password?I mean there is a huge difference if you opened it because you are insecure and jealous and wanted to control him, or if you opened the message because you were bored and had a brain fart. I do stupid things similar to this when Im not paying attention. It's like going through Facebook even though you know there's nothing interesting there, you just dont have anything better to do.You said you didn't even read the message. So why did you go to his phone and open a message? I mean, what was your intension? And what made you stop?Find out this before anything else. And then when you talk to him next, you need to be honest about why you did what you did. Where did this action come from? Your answer is there.
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male
reader, N91 +, writes (30 January 2019):
I agree with Wiseowl in saying it’s a huge insult to do such a thing. It’s a real invasion of privacy, if you trust him then why would you do it!? Makes no sense!
All you can do is give him space to cool off. DO NOT bombard him with messages that will be likely to push him further away. Others may see this as not being a huge issue but I would be seething to find my partner reading messages meant for ME on my personal phone, she has no right to read them as I have no right to read hers. If he has given you no reason not to doubt his trust then you’ve now given him a reason to doubt yours!
Hopefully he will come around, but if not you’ve learnt something from this.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2019): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI didn't even read the message I just opened it. It was from his miners club by the looks of it.
Thanks for the good advise too. You're completely right and I know I'm 100% in the wrong here. I just pray that I can fix it.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2019): He's right! I know the first thing some would want to know is what does he have to hide? I think he has a right to his privacy; and a right to be insulted by the intrusion.
Trust is earned, valued, maintained, and exchanged in a healthy relationship. Your partner was correct.
You have to trust your fiance on face-value; in order to maintain harmony. I know a lot of people think they're protecting themselves by investigating to make sure. But what justifies your insecurity and distrust?
There will be some who would say there should be no secrets. Perhaps in a perfect world. I don't confess my soul to anyone but God! He has an infinite capacity to forgive.
Humans don't! They're hypocrites! They're insecure!
I don't check my partner's phone, and he doesn't check my messages. He's free to do so! Distrust is more of an insult to either of us, than cheating. Why? Because we aren't searching for evidence against each other. I like loving and trusting him; until I should to do otherwise. Suspicion doesn't arise unless warranted. I'd rather ask than go behind his back.
Don't marry someone you distrust. Checking his phone won't assure you much of anything anyway. If he determines you don't trust him, after he has proposed to you. How do you think it makes him feel?
Don't worry. He's pissed-off. He'll get over it. If such a petty thing will end your engagement; then you might have cause for suspicion. Let's hope you only angered him by lying to him. Unless this is a habit on your part?
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (30 January 2019):
What was the message, who was it from and BE HONEST why did you open it....
If you can answer that.. I'll give you my best opinion.
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