A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi, would appreciate some advice please :-)In your opinion is it morally wrong to be very close friends with your teacher? He is male and around 40, Im 16 and female, and I will admit that I do have romantic feelings for him. However, Ive accepted that I can't act on them - although I can't shut him completely out of my life, and so have settled for just being friendly. We do flirt quite abit, he gets unhappy with seeing me with my boyfriend, and I do believe he fancies me back, if I'm honest.I just feel sometimes that even what we have now is not really accpetable... nothing has happened, but I think the sheer fact that I sometimes have to lie to my boyfriend about where I am because it will look suspicious if I'm constantly in his classroom is quite bad. There are times when all of my friends and my boyfriend are sat outside in the sun on our breaktimes, and all the other teachers are along in the staffroom and we will sit in his room and talk through the break. I sometimes stay with him for around 2 hours talking. it has even gotten to the stage where we sit with work out so if another member of staff comes in we look like we're just discussing my alevels.I think we both get a bit uneasy sometimes, and so for some days avoid each other, but i always go back to him. He is my best friend, we share all interests and tell each other some VERY personal stuff.My other bugbear is that he is married, and I know if I were his wife and my husband was spending all this time with a 16 year old I wouldnt be happy. Thing is I dont know what to do about it, and technically we havent done anything wrong, or so i THINK, which is what I would really like to know, what are the boundaries concerning teacher student relationships are we even allowed to be this close, or would he get in trouble if anyone found out?this is such a very confusing situation :(
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2008): WOW! The similarity of this situation and the one I'm in right now is amazing. I am a bit older than you and he is a bit younger than your teacher. But, nonetheless, the situation sucks and there is no other way to put it. I feel for you and I have no worthy advice to give. Even though every entry I have read has said something substantial and even beneficial, you must trust in yourself and do what's best for you. I recently decided that straying away is the best answer for myself. But it may not be for you. In my case, the boundary was blurred and I didn't know when to expect 'teacher' or 'friend'. Though he did not tell me he had just proposed to his girlfriend (that he NEVER talked/talks about, may i add), I realized that things were not what I had expected or made them up to be. At first I was upset with myself for being in a situation like this. When I evaluated what was going on (Friends with teacher, e-mail, texting, gifts, walks... blah blah blah... and then the realization that I had feelings for him) I became frustrated and confused. I am still frustrated and confused. But what was to be expected from a girl who spends so much of her time with him and has even received a necklace from this man? Some time to think may be the solution. Hopefully I'll find out soon enough.I still wish to be friends, but things will obviously not return to the same magnitude. If you choose to drift, be prepared.I miss being very close, but I know I will always cherish our relationship, even if we don't go back to what it was. We still talk, but you will know when the energy around you has changed. There are days when I just want to break down. And what makes the situation worse is that it's difficult to find someone who understands. The student teacher friendship/relationship is odd enough to begin with, but when you are upset about something like this, it makes things even more difficult for others to understand.And obviously, I do not find anything morally wrong with these types of friendships. Just don't give your heart away and be prepared for hurt.I just hope everything works out for you. Or everything has worked out. This blog was posted 7 months ago, so I expect some type of update.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 August 2008): Wow. You basically summed up my life here.
I love my teacher, I mean he's the most amazing man I've ever met.
And I decided that because he's married and older I love him like a daughter loves her father.
Although, I have occasional moments where I think,"I want to be with him"
But those romantic feelings are normal, try to channel them. I'm sure you hug him right?
My advice is to keep those dreams in your head.
At least until you graduate.
But stay friends with him!
Teachers like ours are more intelligent, charming, and mature than guys our own age.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 August 2008): Have just noticed your from the UK. So yes, be very cautious!
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 August 2008): I am not sure what you should do but just to clarify (as people on this post dont seem too sure), a student teacher relationship of any kind, even if in 6th form is deemed as abusing a position of trust and is a sackable and indeed a imprisonable offence. A teacher from my old school had an affair with a 16 year old girl and got a 2 year sentence, i must say i feel for him a bit as she is of legal age and i personally dont deem him to be a 'pervert' in any way but hey thats just my opinion. By the way this is the law in the UK, im not sure where your from.Just be very careful for your sake and for his.
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female
reader, catlou18 +, writes (25 July 2008):
hi speaking from experiance i would say just dont get involved unless this guy is willing to leave hs wife for you, which trust me, usually isnt the case.
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female
reader, simplyjuliet +, writes (20 May 2008):
 thanks for the reply. I know exactly how you feel - you need him and the fear of losing him prevents you from ever telling him how you feel. I'm on study leave too and the thought of not being with this man i am completely besotted with makes me want to cry.It sounds to me like you are somewhat afraid of how you feel? It possibly could be that you feel love for him, as you feel need him. So are you thinking of telling him to stop this self-torture?
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 May 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHeyI don't know, I've been thinking about that alot today actually, and Im really not sure what i feel about him.I came across the possibility before actually, that maybe Im misguided in my feelings being romantic... i dunno, maybe what Ive found in him really is an incredibly good friend... but I do sometimes believe he is my soulmate, Ive never been able to speak to anyone the way i can speak to him...I dunno because there is definitely attraction on both sides, it would be foolish to deny that, yet I sometimes think I don't want it to amount to anything because then I'll lose him as a friend and I need him. whatever it is thats between us though, it's very strong and very deep and Ive never felt it before.:\ coming up to a few weeks without him though, Im on study leave for my exams I just don't know what Im going to do, if I accept not to say anything til Ive left school I have another year of this :(x
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female
reader, simplyjuliet +, writes (19 May 2008):
I don't think you need to tell him about the rumours about you and him having an "affair" but if you wish to do so, then that's okay. clearly you have a great friendship.
It's weird as your positioning with this man/teacher is immensely similar to my situation.
So, just to ask, how exactly DO you feel about this man? I really am curious to know. is it just a good chat? Or you admire him? Or something possibly deeper than that? I mean you're old enough to know how you feel about males. Sorry if you've already mentioned this but does he have a partner?
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 May 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSimplyJuliet, we have discussed before whether we've done anything wrong, he asked me if others would find our relationship weird, and I said truthfully yes they probably would but that I didn't think anything was wrong with what we were doing (I didnt think there was at the time), and he said that he doesn't think we've done anything wrong, BUT it sounded like he was reassuring himself and that was a while ago now, and he also said 'Well you could have left school by now, you could be in a job, it's not like you're still in compulsory education' which I suppose is true.
I haveconsidered telling him before, but really I don't know whether that would do either of us much good at the moment... the only possible outcomes of that are either that he will reject me or we'll have an affair, and as people have mentioned he could go to jail and I dont want that for him.
I also dont think I mentioned that I have seen him out of school. He was at a concert I was at, and I stood and had a drink with him and chatted with him and his friends for a few hours... they were shocked when they asked how I knew him and I had to say 'oh he's my teacher'
I think there is another gig coming up in a few weeks which he will be at...
But we're both quite aware of other people's opinions, in fact there was a rumour going around that we were having an affair a couple of weeks ago. I didn't tell him that people had asked me if i was with him because i didnt think he needed to know and I thought I could handle it on my own by seeming shocked/disgusted when people asked me, and also this was around the time I started seeing my boyfriend. Again morally, I dont know should I have told him? He admitted to me the other day that he has been questioned in a friendly teasing manner by another teacher (his good friend) about me and him...
xxx
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 May 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHey thankyou for all your advice I really think all of what's been said makes sense, so thankyou :-)
Well, over the past few days Ive gotta be honest I think it's gotten worse :| the other day i was still in his room with him at half 5 :0 id been there since quarter past 3, and I didnt mean to, I just happened to walk past his room and he shouted for me to come in. Anyway, the caretaker came to lock up and he panicked and ran outside to stop the caretaker coming in and seeing me there! He had to persuade the caretaker to let him lock up, and then once he'd gone I literally had to leg it! It was ridiculous, I had to sneak out and down the stairs then run across the carpark :0
Today i went to ask him for a key into the stockroom when i was IN THE MIDDLE of a lesson with another teacher, and I ended up staying and talking to him for the whole rest of that lesson which was around 3 quarters of an hour :(
I know that I should cut the amount of time I spend with him - in fact I really think it's probably quite vital that I do it soon because I think if I dont it is going to get to the stage where something happens, but the thing is, I really do need to speak to him about my work... I guess that's probably why you're not supposed to get this close to your teacher :\
Also Im considering finishing my boyfriend because as much as I like him, I think he'd probably be quite traumatised if he found out all this is going on, also the stress of having to lie to him about where I am, and my teacher being funny with me about me going out with him is getting too much, however if I do that I think things might intensify more with my teacher, and I think my having a boyfriend my own age might be one of the only things keping me sane...
Do you think it is a good idea for me to finish with him?
thx xxxx
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A
female
reader, dreamingwithabrokenheart  +, writes (15 May 2008):
 also, i wanted to add that if you think he is sending you signals that is wrong. one huge glaring signal i see is that he freely gives up so much time to be with you. however nice this may be, he is still indicating through his actions that he would rather be with you more than he would his colleagues or responsibilities, and that puts a lot of importance on his feelings for you. it is wrong for him to lead you on like that since obviously spending so much time together exceeds the bounds of an average teacher-student relationship. he is giving you false hope where there should be none. i know this situation is REALLY confusing - trust me, i'm in the middle of it too! please message me, i'd love to hear more about your situation..and stay strong =)
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female
reader, simplyjuliet +, writes (13 May 2008):
You know what - I have read every single post and thread on this site about teacher/student relationships and students falling for teachers and the majority of the answers and replies to the queries have warned the student away from the teacher (which is fair enough. It is infact unhealthy to spend too much time with someone older than you) and others have stated that it is morally wrong to have a relationship with a teacher (which obviously is the case). It IS possible for a man to fall for a younger girl, REGARDLESS of his age. And this attraction can NOT be in a "pervy" manner, but the mere fact that the man/teacher may find the student extremely intellegent, mature, wise, smart, funny, and so on and so forth. Of course, relationships are wrong (sexual relationships) however I think that these days the boundary line for students and teachers is UNCLEAR.I personally am confused as I believe personally, that a teacher should not be so close with a student as you are (the person who wrote this post) however I think it is great to have an older person to open up to. I do think your relationship with this man is not so much WRONG, but, suspicious. I suggest you do attempt to cut down on the amount of time you see him yet i DO understand and realise this could be difficult for you due to your immense attractions for him. If this is the case, maybe you could ask him where your relatipnship stands (if you are so sure you and him are so intimate) just ask whether he thinks what you are doing is right or if it looks bad in front of other teachers.Would you ever consider telling him how you feel? just out of curiousity?
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 May 2008): well in my opinion you shouldnt have a realationship with your teacher that is wrong and it could scar you for life ,your teacher is a pervert for even having feelings for a 16 year old you have to face the fact that its called 'sexual harrasment' do you want to srew your teachers life up, its your choice do what u think is right
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A
female
reader, dreamingwithabrokenheart +, writes (13 May 2008):
Do you have boundary issues? Yes and no...
First of all, it seems like there are some problems here because you clearly are spending too much time with each other and not enough with people of your own age and type - he neglects the teacher lounge and you your friends so you can be together. If it's even to the point where you have to keep work out so you can trick other people into thinking you're just studying then obviously there is something wrong. As much as you might not want to its unhealthy not to spend time with other people your own age.
SEcond of all, it seems as though this is a completely platonic relationship (so far) and if you don't want it to be anything but then the best thing to do would be spend LESS time with him. Don't cut him off completely - it sounds like he is very important to you, and you to him, but you should only see him in moderation. This could quickly head down the wrong path at amoment's notice if you aren't careful.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 May 2008): hello, Your right,it seems you are in a bit of a pickle if i do say so myself.its a tough one but situations like this happen quite alot and arn't rare. i think you should do your best to ease off him which is easier said then done i'm sure but unless you want to ruin his relashionship with his wife and get him in trouble with the law,though you are 16 so i'm not sure if it is illegal or not.i think you should think about who you want to be with because its not fair for your boyfriend .if you really like your boyfriend then i suggest you focus on that aswell as your alevels which if your not carefull could get accidently put aside in your mind while your thinking about this teacher. think of the age difference as well. i'm sure there is someone like him more your own age. hope this is usefull.
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male
reader, Colesy11 +, writes (12 May 2008):
I am not too clear on the boundary issues but I would say that anything more would probably constitute going over the line. Teachers do have a responsibility and if he had a relationship with a student then he would be abusing a trust and would probably lose his job and find it difficult to get another teaching job anywhere. It is good to have an adult that you can share things with but if you feel attracted to him it is probably because he listens to you and is compassionate towards you. If I was the teacher though i wouldn't have let it go this far. It could be that he wants something to happen and the time that you spend with him is tempting him even more. In the interest of both of you, I would stay away and make sure the only contact you have is for studying purposes only.
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