A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Okay, so I've been dating this girl for about 5 months. We live together now and everything. We've had very little problems so far and everything has been amazing. I'm a very insecure person because I've been cheated on in the past - and this lead me to look through some of her IM's on Facebook. A little back-story here first. Around the first month of our dating, I was at work one night and she was going out to see a girl friend of hers who was in town for the weekend. She left her phone in the car the whole night and I had no way of knowing if she was okay or still alive. I got extremely mad at her that night and it upset her a lot and she felt really bad about it.Now, when I was looking through these IM's, I found her talking to a friend (girl) and she said that she actually met a guy for coffee that night. I knew of the guy and that's why she didn't want to tell me because it would make me upset. In her message to her friend, she said they were just meeting in a friendly manner and nothing happened. She also mentioned how bad I made her feel for not texting me that night.My question is - should I still have anything to worry about? It's several months later and we are living together now. And also, how can I confront her about this without letting her know I snooped around?
View related questions:
at work, facebook, insecure, text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, k_c100  +, writes (19 October 2011):
 @landomando - what your girlfriend did was just as bad as what the OP did, I'm not saying its ok for a girl to go through a guys stuff at all, snooping should NEVER happen, regardless of whether you are male or female. If one person snoops it breaks the other person's trust because that person trusts you not to look through your stuff, so even if she doesnt know it the OP has broken her trust.
Anyway, back to the OP - Yes she was wrong to lie, but do you really blame her? You were only dating at the time and you met online through a dating site where it is the norm to date multiple people until you get serious with someone. So if you were only 'dating' at the time, then she was absolutely fine to go on a friendly date with someone else, just as you would have been fine to date other girls too. I am currently using an online dating site and there is one guy I like but I get the feeling he is messing me around, so I have been on dates with other people just to keep my options open. No sex but friendly dates. The guy I like has occasionally asked what I have done that evening and I will always say I've been out with a friend - is that a lie? Well sort of, because technically it is a 'date', but would I say I am interested in these men as more than friends? Not really at this point. So in my eyes it is less hassle to say I've been out with a friend than it is to explain everything to the guy I like, which would also involve me saying to him I think he isnt interested which looks very needy and insecure, not an image you want to give off to someone you dont know that well!
Anyway, yes your girlfriend shouldnt have lied, she was wrong to do that but I think she had valid reasons. As long as she isnt on that dating site anymore or meeting up with men then you have absolutely nothing to worry about.
As I said before, if you want to make this relationship work and you want your trust issues to be gone then get some professional help. I know it may seem silly to have to speak to a therapist or counsellor over this and you might not want to admit that you have a problem, but if you do want a sucessful relationship then you are going to have to do something. If you dont get any help then you will end up sabotaging every relationship you have purely because of your fear that the past will repeat itself. You cant live the rest of your life in fear of something that is unlikely to happen to you, if anyone else was afraid of something and it was ruining their life and affecting their behaviour you would tell them to get help wouldnt you? So I think you need to speak to a doctor or google counselling services in your area and be brave and make that first step to getting better. A professional can help you get rid of all trust issues and you will wonder why you never did it earlier.
Good luck!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 October 2011): if you want to confront her, then you have to tell her that you snooped. You can't have it both ways, I'm sorry.it's very understandable you have massive trust issues. you were cheated on, and you saw your parents cheating on each other (which is one reason I don't believe in preaching about 'staying married no matter what' because this is what happens and it doesn't just stop with the people involved but gets perpetuated to the next generation).it's great that you realize where your trust issues come from. And you want them to be over. but you're going about it the wrong way. what you're doing is actually perpetuating them and making them deeper. The way for your trust issues to be over isn't to go on an investigation and data gathering mission every time your startle response gets triggered. This won't do anything to decrease your sensitivity to getting startled in the first place. And it just fuels your need to snoop because that becomes the only way for you to feel better. snooping is destructive to a relationship because it's perpetuating mistrust.You basically need to learn to control your anxiety on your own, to change the way you think, and not through making it your partner's job to "do the right things" to soothe you. once it becomes her job to keep you non-anxious, it's a slippery slope where you may become more and more restrictive on her. Does this mean you have no way to assure yourself that she won't cheat on you? Yes that's right, you have no assurance that she won't cheat on you like your last gf did. But that's the point. The quest for "assurances" is what breeds mistrust. You need to learn to TRUST. Now if someone has already proven to be dishonest and untrustworthy then it's foolish to continue trusting them and you shouldn't. But if someone hasn't done anything wrong and you're over reacting then you are the one creating the mistrust in the relationship that can drive the other person away or set the tone for the relationship that is negative.Dont' just apologize for snooping. Do something about your anxiety so you don't have to snoop anymore. You have to learn to see the world differently, to replace your current set of assumptions (that people are inherently dishonest and will cheat) with newer assumptions (that people are inherently good). You need to put your experiences into a bigger context - that your ex-gf, and your parents, are just 3 data points out of millions of couples surrounding you. See them for what they are or were, and learn not to see them in everyone else around you. You may also need to learn how to control anxiety-reactions like the racing thoughts, catastrophic thinking, and so on, so that a small doubt doesn't turn into a downward spiral in your head. read books, see a therapist, or just don't be in relationships.
...............................
A
male
reader, landomando +, writes (19 October 2011):
A month ago my girlfriend went through my facebook and snooped around and found stuff I didnt even know was on there. i told her the truth and well we brook up because of it. she didnt trust me enough to not look through my shit. and she had past problems that made her insecure. If u dont trust her. your going to keep looking through her stuff until u find something that will piss you off and end your relationship. My advice is to figure out if you trust her or not. If you do I would let it go and try to get on with your life without being paranoid as best ou can. if you dont trust her; If because her leaving her phone in the car and meeting a guy for coffee is reason enough not to trust her. You are just prolonging the inevitable...Kc 100 how did he break her trust; she lied to him..... she said she was going to see her friend and went on a coffee date......... from a guy she met on a DATING SITE...also you are not a "dick". I dont get this at all but its okay for girls too look through guys stuff and if they find something then the guys fucked if they dont then what ever they keep doing it. but if a guy goes through her stuff its an invasion of privacy....
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 October 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOkay, I really appreciate the answers guys. I really do love this girl, and I know she loves me a lot. I guess I didn't mention that I did apologize for how I reacted that night. The only reason it's bothering me about this guy is that it's a guy she met on a dating site around the time we met on there. She hasn't met him since then, so I'm guessing it's alright. My insecurities stem from a past relationship I was in - in which I was cheated on. Also, I watched my parents cheat on each other growing up. Needless to say, I have trust issues that I want to be over. She did tell me once that if I ever felt like she was lying, that I could freely look at her messages, IMs, whatever. I'm a d*ck.. I know :(
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 October 2011): I'm not going to judge you as the other posters have pretty much said it all in that regard.If you are hell-bent on confronting her without letting on that you violated her privacy, tell her someone you know saw her and this guy out together that evening. Ask her why she would go behind your back instead of telling you she was going to see her friend - because if they *are* just friends, there shouldn't be a reason to hide it.
...............................
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (18 October 2011):
 NOTHING much left for me to say because KC and Person1234 nailed it.
You are living together after FIVE MONTHS? Dang and folks get on my back for moving in after a year... wow... moving so fast here.
She did nothing wrong. She hid from you something that would have made you angry and probably you would have blown up at her... maybe called her names... accused her of cheating.... (maybe not but if after 5 months you don't trust her and you snoop what would you have us believe)
So what is it you want to CONFRONT her about? the lie of omission? The meeting a male FRIEND? or the fact that you SPIED ON HER without reason?
...............................
A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (18 October 2011):
 The problem here is not her, it's you. She should not have lied, but from everything you've said in this question you would have blown up at her and gotten upset for meeting her guy friend. I don't think anything happened at all.
I think you are pushing her away here. Clearly she hasn't cheated, but you are being very controlling. Snooping through her IMs, getting extremely upset when she doesn't contact you for a night, and holding onto this several months after it happened, she has to have her own life sometimes. That means not having to check in every hour to let you know she's alive and not needing permission to see male friends.
You don't confront her about this, you try to ease up and stop checking in. You also need to apologize for blowing up at her for not answering your texts while she was out. She has NOTHING to feel bad about except that she got yelled at. Sometimes people go out with friends and don't want to be disrupted. And that's OK. She moved in with you, she didn't cheat, she obviously loves you a lot and seems trustworthy but my guess is she was scared you would say no or yell at her if she told you she was meeting a guy. You need to let this go.
...............................
A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (18 October 2011):
First things first - you moved in WAY too fast, especially for someone with insecurity/trust issues. So I have very little sympathy, you have rushed this relationship and when you rush into things they ALWAYS go wrong, without fail. You have been warned.
As for the IM's - you had no right to be snooping at all, you have broken her trust by doing this and she will not be happy about it at all. I suggest you keep quiet and never mention this, you are in the wrong here not your girlfriend so do not mention it unless you want a massive argument that could well lead to her leaving you.
You dont trust her and she will see that if you confront her, and most people are well aware that without trust a relationship is doomed, so she could well leave you if you bring this up. And she would be right to do so - you dont trust her, you snoop around behind her back and you are not emotionally ready for a relationship anyway, she would be doing the right thing to get out of this.
But if you do want to stay together, then what you need to do is not mention this EVER, and get over it now. She even said to her friend in those IM's that it was a friendly coffee, is she not allowed male friends? Does she have to text you 24/7 to make you feel loved? You dont need to be so overdramatic, saying you didnt know if she was dead or alive....I mean come on, it was a few hours! Get a grip!
You have absolutely nothing to worry about with this girl, she has put up with your inecurity and absurd over-dramatisations so she clearly loves you otherwise she would be long gone. I know I wouldnt be able to put up with someone like you for more than a week, so she clearly has the patience of a saint and really feels very strongly about you.
If you want to lose her then carry on the way you are going. But if you want this relationship to work, then get a hold of yourself and give yourself a good talking to, you are being ridiculous and worrying about absolutely nothing. I also suggest you get some professional help for your insecurities, I'm sure without help you will never be able to trust her and will keep on snooping, and one day she will find out and then you may well lose her. So professional help to work on your trust issues would definitely be a good thing for you.
I hope this helps and good luck!
...............................
|
