A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Is it acceptable for a man to go to dinner with a female acquaintance when he is either in a relationship or trying to "work things out" with his ex? And if you're "working things out" then does that mean you would describe yourself to others as being single or would the answer be more complicated? I just found out that over the last month, my "ex" and one of the new girls at our job have been texting and calling each other occasionally trying to invite one another to different group social occasions. They never actually got to hang out, so they made plans on Sunday to get together for dinner on Wednesday, since it was the only time she had available that week. He changed his work schedule to accommodate the plans and at no point from Sunday to Wednesday did they attempt to invite anyone else. For the record, I was available on Wednesday night and ended up going to dinner with some friends, where he met up with us directly after going with her to eat. Despite the fact that he tells this girl there is nothing going on between us anymore, he and I do hang out almost every day and he stays the night at my place most nights, although we have cut back on a lot of the physical aspects of the relationship while we're "working it out." He seems to think there is nothing wrong with this whole dinner-alone-with-another-girl scenario and this is just how people make friends whether they are in a relationship or not. He also said he wouldn't have a problem if I went out to dinner with another man as long as we're just friends (which I find that hard to believe and it just seems disrespectful to me since it could easily be misconstrued and you can never know how the other person feels). I don't really have a problem with him having female friends but he is very charming and flirtatious so I do think it is a bit over the top when he is trying to make new female friends by showering them with compliments and making dinner plans with them. I actually really like this girl and I trust 100% that nothing happened between them but it just seems to be blurring a line that I am not comfortable with. Am I just being a jealous psycho? Am I too conservative in my boundaries? or does this seem a little too intimate a setting for building friendships with the opposite sex?
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male
reader, Serpico +, writes (30 April 2013):
I have a woman who works for me that runs my business when Im not there. I have lunch with her several times a week. I see nothing wrong with it at all.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 April 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for all your responses! To clarify, his reasoning is that we were officially broken up but working things out, and apparently he doesn't think it's ever inappropriate to be pursuing new friendships with girls in this way, regardless of his relationship status. My perspective is that we were still in some realm of a relationship since we were WORKING ON IT, therefore, it is not the time to be making solo dinner plans with his new friend. Now I call him my ex because I don't find this kind of behavior acceptable, but at the time, our standing was not as clear.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (29 April 2013):
 Is he your EX or not? I don't quite get that.
If he is NOT your ex, but your current then, yea, it's a little odd, but IT IS possible to have dinner with a co-worker without it meaning more then a casual dinner.
If he IS your ex, then why do you care?
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (28 April 2013):
 I think that if he is working things out with you , apparently he is not pouring his heart into the effort, he gets distracted easily... and I think that, although I find nothing wrong with having dinner one on one with a longtime friend of the opposite sex, you don't make NEWs friends by flirting and charming them and taking them out on dates, because this gets the friendship started on the wrong foot and give it a romantic , intimate connotation that it should not have... if it's supposed to stay just a friendship.
But, is it supposed ? ...The doubt is legitimate.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (28 April 2013):
He wants to see where things will go with her without ruining his chances with you. But because the two of you are unsure he doesn't want to ruin his potential chances with her either.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 April 2013): The thing I'm a bit confused with here is: is he your ex? or are you trying to work things out? Because "working things out" implies that you guys are still in a relationship, and if that is the case, he shouldn't be having one-on-one dinners with another woman. If he's in any type of relationship, I think that's inappropriate. If it was his sister or something, sure, that's completely different. But not a girl he could be romantically interested in.However, if you guys have broken up and he is actually your ex, then it's ok for him to be having dinner with another woman. Although he should probably be more honest to her about how your relationship stands. If you guys are just friends with benefits, he is allowed to see other women as that's just part of the deal.But if you guys are trying to work things out so you can have a relationship in the long run, it doesn't actually sounds like he's trying to work things out. It sounds more like he's keeping you there as a back-up woman that he's comfortable with while he tries to get with another girl. He doesn't want to alienate you because he wants you there in case it doesn't work out with her. Or that's what it sounds like anyway. I don't think you're over-reacting or being a "jealous psycho". I would definitely not be happy with this situation if I were you. Perhaps you should sit him down and explain that if you guys are trying to work things out, he shouldn't be seeing other girls. But then, if he's your ex, maybe let it go. I'm not sure how helpful that was but I hope it turns out ok for you. Good luck :)
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A
female
reader, pinktopaz +, writes (28 April 2013):
As far as still being single when you're "working things out" with your ex, I would say yes, you would still be single. It almost seems like it's a, "Let's see if this works unless I change my mind or something better comes along," type of deal.
I don't think you're being a jealous PSYCHO, but I do think you're being jealous. BUT a little bit of jealousy is okay and normal. If I was in your shoes, I probably would be too.
Being too conservative with your boundaries: yes, probably. It's not setting well with you that he's basically going on a date while you're trying to work out your relationship. And I'm sure it's a little bit of a slap in the face if it's someone you both work with...which leads to, if it's a little too intimate of a setting for building friendships: yes, I think so. It would be different if it was a group of people going and she was also going to be there. But going to dinner is a little more intimate in my opinion.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 April 2013): Look at the raw facts, the only 'working out' he is doing is with the new chick over dinner, or after dinner.
Wake up!!!and let the man go, you are worth far more than this. The sad thing is, it is YOU who is ALLOWING him to treat you this way,just end it completely and find a man that does want you. Sorry for been straight but don't waste your life on no gooders.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 April 2013): i think he's stringing you along whilst trying to test the waters with this girl...be prepared for him to dump you if she gives him the green light, and to be strung along&used for sex/affection/companionship in the meantime. don't you deserve better than this? i'd advise you to dump him asap, i'm afraid.
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