A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Do I have a right to be hurt? A coworker and friend of my husband's just lost her husband. These aren't super close friends we hang out with them a few times a year. The story is he is so concerned about this women I am too I am helping her in everyway I can but he is constantly talking about her and falling over himself to help her way and beyond. I might not be as hurt if I hadn't lost a family member a couple years ago which he really made no effort to console me or my family member that lost thier spouse. He never offered to do anything.I could understand if this was a family member but it seems to have consumed him. I dont know what to do. He gets mad if I say anything. Thanks for any advice
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 March 2014): I understand that this is a big loss for his friend, however this type of supportive attitude does NOT come natural to him ,as you have already witnessed. I would stay quite on this because you will end up with mud on your face but if he INSISTS that she needs so much support from OUTSIDE her family circle then YOU TOO should get MORE INVOLVED. After all you are a partnership. I sadly have a feeling he would then tell you to back off.I have to be honest with my opinion on this, and i would be concerned that he is getting in the front line for the shoulder to cry on.Please remember this is not HER FAULT and she will be so confused emotionally at the moment, I know, because I have been there. Your husband however, should not be confused yet he seems a little confused as to why he thinks it is okay to hurt his wife, in favour of a lady he has no relationship with , other than a working relationship/friendship. I would stay aware of this one but with dignity and respect for the lady who is grieving and make a final offer of joint support.This is not the time to throw accusations, that may travel back to the grieving wife. This is the time, to observe, listen and be aware of your own marriage and what you expect from your husband.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (7 March 2014):
 You are hurt. Whether or not you have the “right” does not matter. If you are hurt you are hurt. As such you need to let him know ONCE that his behavior bothers you. And it’s not a question of “YOU are upsetting me with YOUR behavior” it’s a question of “honey I have to admit I’m confused about something and I need some clarification from you. Can you explain to me why you are so much more concerned about your coworker’s pain and loss of her husband, than you were when my relative’s spouse died? I can’t see why they are different and I’M FEELING HURT” It’s about phrasing.
However these are my caveats:
1. She is a coworker of his. He sees her 40 hours a week. I have friends I rarely see outside of work but I’m rather close to them in the office. She is his friend via work, and the spouses just go along for the ride.
2.She lost HER HUSBAND. This is very different from losing an aunt or a parent or a sibling. Losing “a family member” is very upsetting but losing a SPOUSE is crisis level. The two just can’t be compared.
3. Your family MEMBER that lost a spouse may not be as close to your husband as his co-worker is. Offering support is not an across the board thing where the support you give one person must be the same support you give another.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 March 2014): So what if he gets angry if you say anything? That's to keep you from bringing it up; and forcing him to explain his behavior.
Put your foot down and state your case. You feel he is going over-board with consoling this woman and you don't feel comfortable about it. He is your husband, not hers.
Enough is enough already. He has done what he can; and he should now act appropriately. Her feelings shouldn't come before yours. Sorry about her loss. If he's not that close
to her husband; then how close is he to her? That is the question.
If he gets too angry, then there's something going on you should be concerned about. He must always address his spouse's concerns; no matter how foolish he may think they are. If you don't, you lose trust in your marriage.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 March 2014): Hmm I think this would make me feel jealous too. It's nice that he is showing sensitivity, but it seems he's showing her a bit too much. It might be totally innocent but he should still be aware of how this is affecting you - she might be his coworker, but you are his PARTNER! Talk to him and tell him how you feel, as long as you are nice and calm he has no reason to get angry
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A
female
reader, celtic_tiger  +, writes (7 March 2014):
 How close was he to your family member in question? Did he even have a personal relationship with them?
Was it a blood relative or a married relative?
These questions can all affect the empathy we feel for other people. When it is not something that "directly" affects you it can be much easier to disengage from the emotional side of things.
This is a woman he sees every day, and he may have even known her husband - in that respect he has a closer social relationship to this person than to your family member.
He may also have matured in the years since your bereavement, and now feel emotional loss more than he understood then.
There is no point holding a grudge about this.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 March 2014): You have the right to be hurt but at the same time he may not have realised what he was doing at the time. He sees this woman every day at work and so he will see her pain and they may have a close friendship that you don't see purely because they work together and you're not there to witness it. With your family, he may not have known what to do or say because he is far closer with you being your husband. Perhaps sit him down and explain the situation as calmly as you possibly can and just explain that he did nothing when it was you and that you want him to be aware of it but you're not angry. He may think that because you are mentioning this, you are angry and so he is immediately defensive, therefore make it clear that you're not angry and you just want him to be aware of it.
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