A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hey guys. Quick question. I'm a 30 year old male, dating a 24 year old female. We've been dating for 15 months.I don't really know what to do with our relationship. Every other woman I've ever dated has expressed her feelings in one way or another. I thought that's what women did?? But my gf doesn't. she doesn't tell me she cares, doesn't really show affection, doesn't act at all like any of the other women I've dated. And sadly, it's making me a bit depressed. I don't mean to sound needy as a guy. It's just that it's hard when my girl doesn't seem to respond to me when I try to be sweet or give me anything to go off of. She just expects me to know she cares, without ever having to show it. I didn't realize how hard a lack of physical affection or lack of occasional words would be.Don't get me wrong, I want to do sweet and romantic things for her, but at the same time, I like to do those things knowing it will make her happy. And knowing it will reflect in our relationship. It doesn't. She says she is happy and we are great, but I'm beginning to think I need someone who will at least give a little back to me in the end. Someone who is a bit more emotional? Never thought I'd say that. Any advice? Thanks in advance.
View related questions:
depressed Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (8 March 2014):
 OP thanks for the follow up (not marked)
IF she is depressed and NOT being treated for it, then to me it's sadly a no brainer and you need to figure out how to walk away. I know that sounds cruel but if you are not married and you are unhappy 50% of the time, why stay if she's not even trying to get better.
IF on the other hand she's in active treatment with a doctor and a therapist (a doctor to provide the meds and a therapist to work through the underlying issues that contribute to the depression), then perhaps you can ask to have a few joint sessions with the therapist to discuss how her depression impacts on you and the relationship.
Living with and loving people who have mental illness such as depression and bipolar disorder is very hard work even if they are in treatment and working to control their illness. Using their illness as a cop out or excuse is wrong but many do it.
I have severe ADHD and it negatively affects a lot of things in my life. I have learned to OWN my disorder and my behavior associated with it. I apologize a LOT to folks and explain to them that I have ADHD and while it's NOT an excuse for my behavior it's an EXPLANATION.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 March 2014): It's her depression.Maybe it's not that she doesn't feel anything for you, perhaps it's that she doesn't feel anything at all.My boyfriend is just like you: Open, affectionate and loving.And I'm like your girlfriend: Cold/emotionless.It's not you. If it was, she wouldn't be with you OR say I love you.You need to speak to her about this and she needs to see a professional to help her overcome this.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 March 2014): OP here.
Well, see, the thing is, she goes through chronic bouts of serious depression and pretty much just disappears on me emotionally. She expresses to me that she loves me (all the time, actually - but its just the "I love you" when we get off the phone), but when she's going through that, she tells me I just need to remember it's not me and everything is okay. But it's not okay. Over half of our relationship is spent this way. I need a partner. Sometimes she can be the perfect gf; which is what keeps me going. but the other half of the time, I'm completely lonely. Sigh.
...............................
A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (8 March 2014):
Well if you're not happy, what's the point? There's a million women that will love you, that's nothing special compatibility and happiness are what makes a relationship special.
...............................
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (7 March 2014):
 When a girl doesn't tell you that she likes or loves you... or, values, you.... then, LISTEN TO HER!!!!! The message is deafening!!!!!!
I've "been there; done that".... and wasted 4 years believing that I just wasn't understanding what was going on.... I know, now, that I knew perfectly well... and that brought me to recognize what I told you in my first paragraph....
Break with her and find a girlfriend who is more in-keeping with what you expect in your partner...
Good luck...
...............................
A
male
reader, Gauntlet  +, writes (7 March 2014):
 Are we here talking of emotion/affection of sex ? Because that's two very different things. If your girlfriend doesn't show enough interest in you as a sexual being, it could be that you are not really sexually compatible. That's very frequent, just read Dear Cupid during a month or two to be persuaded by that sorry fact.That being said, as you are in your 30's and her in her early 20's, I would assume you decided to fall for each other more on a sexual basis than anything else, and maybe you're talking of a lack of emotion (while the sex side may be quite OK). Am I right ?Well, if we're talking of emotions then, it could be that your girlfriend is a bit immature (even for a 24yo girl, but it's not so uncommon at our time) while you are at another stage of your evolution. Maybe she still feels more like a mindless teenager, or maybe she just wants to stick to that sort of state of mind because she is afraid that being too emotional could lead to a proposal from you, something to which she is not ready (at all, or not yet)...Anyway, there seems to be a generation gap between you two, maybe it's a question of time before she decides to act in a more (satisfying for you) adult way, but you should consider the possibility too that you are just a go-between for her, providing some comfort, and while you're waiting for her to nurture she is just waiting for her real Mr Right.
...............................
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (7 March 2014):
OP I feel your pain. My husband is much like your GF... he's non-demonstrative and he's short on words.
I know for me prior to being with him, every guy I was with was affectionate and demonstrative and verbal about how he felt. I learned that words mean less than actions.
I met my current husband and yes in the beginning we were very physical.. hand holding and cuddles... but NO words of love or affection... he even told me "I won't say 'I love you'" Funny thing was he never said it before to others... ME he tells me but it's taken us over a year of marriage for him to learn to express those feelings.
So you say she does not express her feelings but she's saying she's happy and you are great. Unless there is a gut feeling that she's lying, (to what end? I ask) I would believe her words.
You say she doesn't show affection... I would want more details...does she rebuff your advances or is it just that she does not initiate? If she rebuffs you, that's one thing, if it's just that she's not assertive and does not initiate sex or affection but is receptive to it, perhaps she is just of the mindset that girls do not start things... that the man is supposed to chase...
have you asked her why she is not the aggressor and have you told her you want her to jump your bones?
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 March 2014): Your instincts are correct.
When a woman is unresponsive and doesn't seem particularly moved by a any act of your affection, and doesn't seem affected by any demonstration of your caring for her. She is just content having a man, but not in-love with him.
You are old enough, and experienced enough with women to know they don't hide their feelings. If you meet one who does, and you on the other-hand are a romantic; this is not a proper match. You like showing a woman affection. It is only logical that you should bond with an affectionate woman. That is what you want in your relationships.
Neediness is an extreme emotion. It's a thirst that can't be quenched. The craving for affection remains; regardless of how much you give. The recipient just demands more. That is a symptom of insecurity or dependency. That isn't how you have described yourself.
You simply have a closed-off girlfriend, who likes the fact that you are giving. She simply soaks it up, and doesn't care to reciprocate in any way. You're a "good-catch" as some may say; which means, you simply hold on to him until something better comes along. You've caught a "cold-fish."
Some will advise that you to have a talk. That would only be "asking" her to be affectionate. If she cared or knew how, she would be returning your affection without asking. I wouldn't want affection that I had to beg for. I'd want to sip from a flowing fountain. I think that's what you want too.
Consider whether you want to remain in this relationship.
It would be better if you found a match that understands you, and you are both on the same page. Pouring your feelings into a cup with no bottom makes no sense at all.
...............................
|
