A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Right, so my question is fairly straight to the point - do I have any chance of winning back this guy from his fiancee?Allow me to elaborate. I am in my mid twenties and for a couple of months (2007) dated an awesome guy that I fell madly in love with. He was perfect in every sense of the word, charming, handsome, affectionate, professional, earning a good salary, loves animals, adores children, owns a very nice penthouse apartment on a marina etc etc. Our relationship started out very casually and was mostly sexual in nature (he would still be very sweet to me and made me feel very special) but at the same time he was very honest with his feelings and what he wanted out of life. Basically he said that he was ready for a relationship and wanted to settle down and get married (he was 30 at that time) but he was worried that as much as he liked me he would never fall in love with me. I accepted this as I had heard a bit about his reputation ( we were living in a fairly small city and he was the casanova that had had most of the attractive girls there, all of them wanting him back...Anyway, at that time he was working as a bodyguard and would routinely spend a lot of time away. Usually during these periods he would send me messages asking for the gossip and generally just asking how I was doing. I know that I was not the only one he was talking to like this and that there were other girls that he had sex with when at home.I realise that I may be painting a bad picture of him here but I would just like to repeat that he was always 100% honest with me about everything, if I asked him something I would get a straight answer. He was also very picky about his 'future wife', pushing thirty he had no baggage (unless you count hordes of casuals as baggage), never married, no kids and no serious relationships to speak of. Now at this point he moved away from his house to the capital for work reasons (and perhaps to start a new life) within three weeks he met a girl that he got into a serious relationship with, within 9 months they were engaged. Around a year and a half into their relationship I was going to the capital to go on a blind date a friend had set up. I decided to give him a call to see if we could meet up (I didn't know anybody else there and the train times meant that I would have to stay over one night), anyway, as it turns out he was working that weekend but so that I wouldn't have to be alone he asked his fiancee if she wouldn't mind spending the day with me. She agreed so I consequently had a chance to meet her and see what kind of person she is, now I admit that I was going to let it slip into conversation at some point that Gabe (the guy) and I had been in a relationship just to see how she would react. Surprisingly she already knew everything about us, she even laughed that she wouldn't be leaving the two of us unsupervised anytime soon given the naughtiness we used to get up to, I was surprised as I didn't think that he would have told her about us. Anyway I digress (apologies for the long message but my fingers seem to have a life of their own today). We are both above average in looks (even if I do say so myself) but other than that we are very different. I suppose she is very similar to Gabe in that she is a very dominant personality (not that she's rude or a bully, she's just very sure of herself and very ambitious in her career). The point that I'm trying to make (at great lengths) is that they will be moving back to his house together in a matter of months and he will once again be 'within reach'. Another thing is something that she said when I met her that is really annoying me now. I asked if she was at all worried since she would be moving to a town where she knew no one but her fiancé had had sex with so many of the attractive girls. She laughed and said that she couldn't think of a safer place to move to - if he had had the majority of attractive girls and didn't want them when he was single then there was no reason to suspect that he would want them now when he had her... Is it just me or is that totally arrogant?I'm also not sure if he is really happy with her... He used to do whatever he wanted and no one could tell him what to do. Now he's completely changed to the point where he'll only do something if she agrees with it. Last time they were here visiting they went out for the evening with friends (I was at the same bar) and they guys went out to have a smoke.. (he used to smoke a lot but she doesn't like it so he's now allowed anymore), he asked her if he could have just one cigarette without her getting pissed off and she just replied 'your choice' (in an icy tone), he didn't have a smoke after that. The man I knew would never let anybody boss him around like that! I'm sure I could make him happier than she could ever do, if he just gave me a chance. Sometimes I feel like he just decided that it was time and became serious with the girlfriend he had at the time (might as well have been me). I've asked some mutual friends what they think but they think I have no chance at all. He is a changed man and loves her completely and I would only make a fool of myself if I tried as he would never leave her (not to mention the fact that she's not the type to take advancements on her man without some serious retributions) I don't know what to do, I love this man (more than I have ever loved anybody before) and I think its a testament to my emotions that I'm still this in love with him after two years of not seeing him.What should I do?
View related questions:
ambition, engaged, fiance, period Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Lola1  +, writes (10 September 2009):
 Hmm... all your friends said you didn't have a chance. You apparently are "shopping around" for advice until you hear one person say, "Yeah! Go for it!"
For that reason I won't spend much time on this, pointing out anything that someone else may find valuable or helpful. I will just add my voice to the others andtell you to leave the poor man and his future wife alone.
A
male
reader, softtouchmale2003 +, writes (10 September 2009):
 This is the part where I have to say you have every advantage in the world to be happy with anyone else. You say you have above-average looks. It seems to me that you enjoy your life, which means you're probably happy and secure in your own right. And, apparently, you're single.
All of that said, you're not going to have anything better than friendship with Gabe. Its obvious that he's found someone and he's happy with her. Its obvious she wants him. Whatever they have between them, its their love life. All you'd accomplish by "winning" Gabe back is hurting him and his fiance. And in the end, he may resent you for it. Then you wouldn't "win" either.
Its just not a game show.
...............................
A
female
reader, busy04 +, writes (10 September 2009):
 What should you do?
I think you need to leave him alone, that's what you should do.
I think that you need to move your focus off of this mans life & live your own. Fact of the matter is this (and forgive me if I sound rude but I can't find another way to put it)- If he really wanted you as a wife or just as a serious partner, if he really thought that you were the "one" for him, then he would be with you...CASED CLOSED. Listen to your friends that say you will make a fool of yourself, because it's true. There would be so much hurt, pain & time wasted involved in trying to pry him away from where he is now. Not only that, but you would risk being seen as someone who is very desperate, selfish, heartless, ruthless & careless, especially if this man & his fiance are truly happy. And I'm not saying that you are those things right now, I'm saying that's what you'll become-all for love, a love that only you would feel, not him. He is starting a new life now & you should respect that, not try to come between it.
Further more sweetheart, as much as you love him(as you say), you just CANNOT make him feel that way about you in return. If there was a chance for him to want to be in love with you it would have been 2 years ago. But even then your post stated that he said "he would never fall in love with you", that alone is reason enough to dismiss him. You can't take those types of statements lightly, do you honestly think that he'll retract those thoughts? Especially now? Let him go on with his new life, focus on yourself.
Real love will come to you, just be patient and get active in other things to keep your mind away from him. You should want someone who wants you in return just as much as they want you. You shouldn't have to compete for anyones attention, because their attention should already be on you. Move on honey, you can & you should.
I hope that I haven't offended you, I only gave you my honest thoughts on this situation.
Best wishes!
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 September 2009): Sorry to say, but you sound like the arrogant one asking his fiance if she would feel threatened moving to a place where her fiance had bedded all the available single girls, that is like asking her she thinks she is good enough to hold onto him or should she really trust him.
You all three sound pretty arrogant to me, and you find that love is a contest and a conquest.
You only want him because you can't have him. I don't think this is a testament to your feelings or that you even know what love is....you just want to win him.
How sad for you. I hope you can let this go and move on, why on earth do you want to be a threat to his soon to be wife? What did she ever do to you?
He strictly had a sexual relationship with you, when a man is looking for a wife, he NEVER elevates a woman he is using for sex to girlfriend material, let alone wife material. He wants a woman who values herself enough to wait until there is a foundation built on something other than just sex.
...............................
A
male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (10 September 2009):
 So, you dated a guy who slept around a lot and you think he is the greatest guy ever.
He didn't even break up with you, just left and got engaged to someone else.
Read your own post again, as if it was someone else asking for advice. What would you say?
...............................
|
