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male
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anonymous
writes: I am 31 years old, married for 8 years with 2 children ages 3 and 1. I am in deeply in love with another woman, a brilliant, lovely, sweet woman from Russia living in America named "Elena". I have confessed all to her. She still wants to be with me. And I want to be with her. I have a very successful professional career but would be willing to move to Russia with her. She has one year left of law school in Russia. But I have to see my kids very often. I must be their father. It is not working out with my wife and I. She knows it, I know it, and worst of all our 3 year old sees it and feels it. My wife has often said that she wished that her father had left her mother when she was a child. They did not get along and it has affected her deeply. She saw it and felt it as a child and would rather her dad left than for her parents to be miserable because she was miserable as a result of it. I don't want this happening to my kids. I will be there for them. I will support them financially. But I am still not 100 percent certain that they would be better off without me there. My wife is a great mother, but I don't love her. Any and all advice would be appreciated. Reply to this Question
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male
reader, Herr Professor +, writes (14 September 2006):
 First of all, I think it's great that at least you and your wife agree that things aren't working. I totally concur that parents who don't love one another shouldn't stay married, particularly just for the sake of the kids. Kids are much more observant than many think. My parents weren't happy together either, and my first memories of them are their scathing fights and angry distances.
I'm not trying to make you feel bad, but the one thing I do regret is that when my father eventually left, I never saw him. He didn't come back into my life until I was nearly 15, and by that time I didn't care. He was bitter and frustrated that I didn't run to him with open arms, but having grown up without him, I didn't even know who he was. We've never been able to develop a good relationship, and I haven't seen him in nearly 10 years.
The point is: your kids will always be your kids, while relationships come and go. There's no guarantee that things will work out with Elena if you move to Russia. It would make more sense for her to move here so that you could remain close to your children. She should be able to not only understand, but also respect your responsibilities as a father, which are far greater than merely paying child support. This is something that you should think about very carefully. Don't make a rash decision now that you will regret 10 or 15 years from now.
A
female
reader, wisedispenser +, writes (13 September 2006):
Well, you know, she probably wanted her parents to part because the relationship was so strained. But a relationship is a living thing- it must be nurtured.
We all know that investments can grow after a period of decline; that a dying plant can be nurtured back to health. I suggest that you do the same in your relationship with your wife. Create a happy home for your children and turn things around for you, too. At frst it will feel like play acting. It will be hard to forget the pull of the sexual chemistry of your Russian beauty. But if you invest in this marriage, with kindness and compliments and time, love will grow- I assure you. You cannot be anything other than a token father if you move to a different time zone and country!
Ultimately, you'll probably leave your wife. I suspect you've already made the decision. but do n ot be so foolish as to think the magical qualities you enjoy in your relationship with Elena will last- they never do. Attraction is a chemical process that will eventually wear off. Then what will you do? Find another?
Perseverance is a quality much maligned and yet it holds the solution to many of our problems, and stills even the most restless of hearts.
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