A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I asked for advice at the beginning of this year when i had split with my ex boyfriend. I was in heartache and agony and was spiralling out of control, i had lost over a stone in weight when i discovered he'd been texting other women. this all happened at the worst time ever - xmas.Anyway, a lot has happened since then. I moved to London in March as i could not cope any longer and my best friend put me up and really cared and helped me. I got a job in London and eventually found my own place. I also started seeing a guy who was older than me - nothing serious but a bit of fun. However this new guy had attached himself to me quite quickly.Anyway, in May my ex boyfriend visited London as his friend was playing a gig, we met up and he ended up pouring his heart out to me about his feelings, how he regrets everything, has missed me like mad and was sorry for all the pain he had caused and wanted to give things another go. I was overwhelmed at the time, its like id finally got what id always wanted but was unsure of what to do with it. I knew i still loved him and wanted to try again, however, i think i was unsure as to whether he would leave me again and i would go through that pain. I was worried about finishing things with the new guy as i may make a mistake by going back. So, foolishly and selfishly i began seeing both men. I regret this now but was so confused at the time, i also had alot of other issues going on in my life (i had stayed in a hostel for a few weeks until i found my flat, my sister had an abortion, my aunt had a cancer scare, my other sister was broke and couldnt afford to feed her children and my dad also went on the sick from work as he had a trapped nerve in his back which he needed an operation for.) I didnt want to drop everything and go running back into my exes arms as he had seriously hurt me before and i wanted to be 100% sure. Anyway, my ex discovered my infidelity and was crushed, he explaind to me he went through hell not knowing what i was up to and that it has killed him inside slowly discovering things by going through my phone, diary and camera, all sorts. He had forgiven me and i ended things with the new guy. However, the new guy was gutted and at first would not accept it was over, he had been inundating me with love letters, texts, phone calls, hand drawn pictures!! Trying to hold onto me at every possibility and not let me go. I had explained that i wanted to give things another go with my ex and that i still loved him dearly.When my ex moved to London in August, at first it was rocky as he said the trust had totally gone (but it does work both ways)It feels as though my ex thinks he has the moral high ground and i feel as though im slipping back into my old weak, begging ways as i feel again that i could not live without him. The new guy has been hounding me for the past few months evethough i had explained my feelings, i hid this from my ex which he has recently discovered as the new guy turned up at my house and tried to cause havoc, he has made quite a few stories up about me i reckon in the hope to split me and my ex up. He is quite posessive. Obviously my ex finds it hard to believe me or what i am saying and trust me at all given what had happended previously.I have text the new guy saying that if he doenst leave me alone i will phone the police, luckily i have heard nothing since that text. My ex however, has totally made me feel like some evil game player, a cheat, a liar and that he doesnt know who i am anymore. The thing is i am very sorry for keeping this from him and do love him dearly. He keeps telling me he has doen everything on his part - but has he? How can i be sure as soon as it comes to the crunch again he wont bolt like last time when i thought i was pregnant (thank god i wasnt) and have to give up my home and bury my pets at xmas again. I feel as though i am being manipulated and he is taking all the moral high ground and making me feel as though im not worthy of him - he also is saying these statements in front of friends. To make me look even worse, the reason i didnt ant to tell my ex about the hounding is because things were getting a little better and i thought if id mention it he will not believe me and leave me. With all the stress again, i have now lost my job, my period is late (4 pregnancy tests have been negative) and i feel as though im spiralling out of control again. I was meant to come to London to start again and get away from my previous miserable life, and, to be fair i feel as though im slipping back into old habbits by worshipping my ex. I know he does genuinly love me, and he has said he will help me pay my bills to keep a roof over my head but now because of this i feel as though he has total power over me, and can control my emotions again, i dont want to be a lapdog like last time but i feel as though thats whats happening.Im actively seeking work and know that within the industry i work in there are jobs all the time, so i know i will find work and will get back on my feet - im also hoping to finish my degree as i gave it up when we split at xmas. I dont know what to do, do i have any grounds at all? Is it all my fault? Do you think me and my ex can work it out? Will there ever be any trust in this new relationship on both parts? To be honest all i want sometimes is our old relationship back, i know im stronger now than i was before but i have a feeling i may lose this new found strength i gained from the break up and end up a lapdog again because i had made a mistake previously by seeing both the new guy and my ex (which was for a very short period of time) (I also went to the clinic to get tested - i am clear) i have never been in a situation like that ever, i have always just been with one person and thats that, ive never cheated before ever and its rotting me away. I also think that my ex keeps referring to it as cheating as we were in the process of getting back together but he hadnt moved to London at this time and I was also still unsure about whether i wanted to fully commit to something that may potentially emotionally ruin me again. I know thats no excuse for my infidelity nad behaviour but i was genuinly weak and very confused. I dont think the new guy helped and i reckon he could see this weakness and as perhaps hes older than i maniupated me a bit, i dont know. All i know is im mega stressed and to be honest feel like giving up packing my bags and going back up north at times. I miss my family and sisters like mad and feel as though my ex is going to punish me forever and keep me dangling and worrying as to whether hes going to leave me again or not. Just like last time. I dont know whats for the best at all. Please give me your honest opinions, advice and answers, thanks so much for reading this. What do you think is for the best?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Reyna  +, writes (26 September 2009):
 It seems like you already gave him another chance, the question is should you break up with him? This kind of relationships are very frustrating,for personal experience i know what you are going through. You love him so much you think that love itself will make your relationship better, and even thought you feel hurt or confuse for something he has done in the past, you feel like your love can fix everything. But in reality, is not like this, at all. All you want is that connection you had with him when you first met him, all the sparkles and giggles, but after all the dissapointments that both of you have gone through this is not very likely to happen. You have lost respect from each other( i can tell because he manipulates you and he talks about your bad behavior in front of people, and because, well, you cheated on him) and maybe neither of you loves each other as before, maybe you are just used to each other.
You have to realize that what you want,your old relationship, is gone, and that even though sometimes you forget all the bad things that both of you have done, they will haunt you forever unless you truly forgive each other.
My advice is to leave him, sometimes you need to think a little bit more with your head than with your heart in this situations, you started a new life to get rid of these destructive feelings that you have for him, and then you let all those problems to get back into your life by getting back with him? It was not a wise move, and you doubting it proves that you knew this wasnt a good idea.
It is going to hurt again, maybe not as much as before, but you can do it, you did it once, you can do it twice. Be sure about your actions before performing them, and always put your feeling first, you are the only one who allows this, you need to put a stop.
About the other guy, dont EVER talk to him again, things ended pretty bad and the fact that you ran to your ex's arms and rejected him says a lot about your feelings for this new guy, just leave in the past.
I wish you luck and i hope my advice has helped...
A
male
reader, Candleman +, writes (26 September 2009):
If you were up front about not being sure you wanted to get back with the ex, then what you did was not cheating. And, even you were lying through your teeth, then the reality is that he did the same damn thing.
Considering the past, if anyone would have a moral high ground it would be you. Worse case for you is a level field.
You keep calling yourself a lap dog from your previous relationship which indicates a person with low self esteem and one easily manipuated by the will of others.
If you can not stand up for yourself at this point, then you will end up just like you were in the past, only worse because your ex bf now has a taste of his own medicine which he obviously doesn't like.
If you were rebuilding yourself in London and becoming a stronger person then my best advice would be cut it off and keep building yoursef up as it seems like it will be very hard to do so going back into the previous dynamic.
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