A
female
age
41-50,
*ad and Lost
writes:Do I get out?I am a 30 yr old female. With husband for 10 years and married for 4.5 with no children. I am very unhappy with my relationship and with my husband. I have been unhappy for years. And I hate to admit it but I was unhappy before we got married. And I feel awful that I married someone when I wasn't truly happy. I feel like I have always lived my life doing what I thought I was "supposed" to do. I have always done what I thought made other people happy so much to the extent that I hardly even know what would really make me happy at this point. I think I stayed with my husband all along because I am scared of change, and I thought we fit the picture of what a couple should be. Financially stable, comitted, both well educated, both wanting 2.5 kids behind a white picket fence. And while dating, over time we bought some real estate together, moved away together, and built future plans together. Even while we were still dating in college and I had doubts about him, I felt like I had put too much time into building a life with him, to give it all up because things weren't quite the way I wished they would be. Eventually we had been together so long, I thought "of course we get married." Now, I think I have realized I was coward and did what was safe and comfortable instead of following what my heart and gut were telling me.My husband and our relationship has pretty much been the same way since the beginning. It hasn't just changed with time as I know often happens. We have never had a close affection relationship. We have never had a strong friendship and emotional connection. We have always been as different as night and day and he has always treated me the way he does, and he has never met my emotional needs.I know you must be thinking how dumb was she to marry him then....and I think the same thing.My husband does not like leisure time. He is highly fulfilled by achieving and working a lot at both of his regular jobs and real estate investing. It is really important to him to have money and achieve and present a certain socio-economic status. He tends to be judgemental toward others. He will easily refer to someone who is not well-educated, and unwed parent, or a divorced person as "trash." My husband is practical and very unemtotional. I am emotional and idealistic. I value friendships and relationships. My husband has said he thinks I am ridiculous for being that way because he thinks relationships are not important and putting time into maintaining them with friends is silly and a waste. He feels I am imature because I have a social personality, have lots of friends, and value my time and relationships with these people. I spend a night or a day with friends about once a week, which he feels is a lot and I disagree. When I told him that it helps me when I am stressed to be able to talk to my friends and family because I find comfort and support in them, he laughed and said that was pathetic and I seriously needed to toughen up.I tend to be a helper and nurturer and my husband gets very annoyed with that, and gets agitated when I make a point of going to be with a friend or family member when they are sad or going through a rough time.My husband puts me down and belittles me often making frequent comments about how stupid I am and how I lack common sense. I find his words such as "I don't think you could survive a week on your own with your incredible lack of knowlege about the world" to be somewhat verbally abusive. No one else in my life thinks I am dumb or ridiculous. I have a masters degree, so I can't be completely stupid. But when I am around him I feel small and stupid and doubt my thoughts and feelings.My self-esteem is shot. when I am around my husband I feel like a dumb person. I don't enjoy his company. I can't go to him about a concern or bad day because he will make a point of telling me how it is my fault before comforting me. I can't tell him about things I am happy with because he ignores me or makes me feel stupid for taking joy in something.My husband thinks our problems lie with the fact that I am what he considers to be irresponsible, often dumb, immature, and lazy. However, he has made the point to me and to our current therapst that he is satisfied with our relationship and continues to be baffled as to why I think it has problems.I feel unloved. And I don't feel like I love him. From time to time over the years I have tried to talk to him about how I feel, and he always responds with a comback about how I am needy and insecure and I end up feeling stupid and idiotic for bringing it up. About six months ago i started a friendship with an old guy friend who knows that I am unhappily married, with whom I quickly felt an intense bond. One day we went down slippery slope and admitted we both felt like we were in love. At first I tried to stay away from the situation, but I felt such a connection and love for this person that I made a terrible mistake. It started with a kiss but then led to sex on 3 different occassions. We even got to the point of talking about how we wanted to be together forever, get married, have a family. I know it was a terrible mistake. What a horrible horrible thing to do. Can't believe I would ever get to a point where i would do something like that!!! And the shame and guilt I feel over it is almost unbearable. I am hating myself. And even a couple months later after telling this man I had to cut all ties with him becuase it wasn't right, I still feel love for him and miss him terribly. My husband doesn't know. He would completely lose it on me if he knew. It would be unforgivable for him, I can garuntee. And I don't want him to know because I know how hurtful that would be regardless of how he has treated me.We have been in therapy for about a month and a half now. Nothing has changed. Therapist looks at us like we have two heads for ever getting together in the first place. I am still miserable. I still dream of a life away from my husband. I still walk on eggshells around my husband because I am afraid he will lose his temper with me over any given thing. I feel sooooo alone, lost, angry with myself for the affair, for marrying someone who wasn't right for me that made me feel bad about myslef and who I had very little in common with, for hurting the man I had an affair with because I know he really loves me and wants to be with me, for breaking my mariage vows, and for making so many bad choices. I am incredibly sad. For the last few years all I have wanted was to have a baby and have a happy family life. Now I don't see any way I can possibly have it. I don't know if I am overacting, or if I have put up with an unhealthy relationship for too long. I want to love my husband I want to feel good being around him. but I don't and I don't know how to change it . I don't know what to do and feel very lost and very confused. I can't take it much longer. Someone please please help me. I am desperate.Sincerely,So very very Sad and Lost
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affair, divorce, immature, insecure, money, puts me down, unloved Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Sad and Lost +, writes (26 September 2009):
Sad and Lost is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAnonymous,
I don't feel that I have ever truly been in love with my husband. But of course I care about him. He has known for a long time that I have been unhappy in the marriage. But I have never seen him put effort into trying to make things better, until a couple of months ago when he did agree to go to counseling because I begged him. He has told me that our relationship is not a high priority in his life and he is honestly more fufilled by the other areas of his life that he finds important. I know however, that he does value the "picture" of us. And he said he would be completely embarrassed if he ever became part of a seperated or divorced couple.
I know you disagree, but I am actually not selfish. I made a mistake yes. And would take it back if there was any way that I could. I know how wrong it was. And I regret it. I have beat myself up over it plenty. I am working on trying to forgive myself for the mistake I made. But what I want honestly more than my happiness is the happiness of the people I care about, including my husband. If I knew he would be better off without me and truly happier if parted, I would absolutely let him go. If I knew he would move on and find someone that was right for him, I would feel so much better about it. I want him to be okay. But my fear is that our breaking up would hurt him more than continuing in this marriage that seems to satisfy his needs.
That is my real struggle. I want to be happy as well, but whether you believe it or not I am not putting my happiness first here.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 September 2009): then Sad and Lost, if you do not want to release your husband and you have really learnt from your mistakes then start working towards a healthy marriage.
first, stop the lies and you need to come clean about your affair. this is a new start for you both so you need to tell him what has transpired. yes you will be fearful but why compound the lies. how can you build on lies and half truths.
please just don't merely use him for your own selfish needs and then a few years from now, discard him. you have a lot to learn and a lot to account for. it starts with truth and honesty , no matter how hard it is. but i think i already know that you do not want to admit to the affair. then what else is there. this guilt will consume you and it is onl a matter of time before the affair is exposed. i know you are smart enough to realise this. you have covered up thus far, but soon you will be exposed. so, what will be better- you telling him or him finding out by whatever means?
hard questions and choices but it needs to be done in order for your marriage to survive. good luck- just stop the lies and half truths and half your battle is won.
[i am curious though- you claim to have never loved your hb, yet you do not want to release him. WHY? why still continue selfishly. seems like you don't want him yet do not want him to find a true partner. please re look at your behaviour and the reasons you do not want to let him go.
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A
female
reader, Sad and Lost +, writes (21 September 2009):
Sad and Lost is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks again to everyone. ALL your answers were appreciated. Even yours Anonymouse. Thank you for your honesty.
Not for one minute to I think was I did was in any way justified. I feel true overwhelming remorse for it. I would take back what I did in a heartbeat if there were any way possible to do that. And that is the truth. Yes, I did a terrible thing to my husband. But I have in many ways been a good wife to him as well. He has done terrible things to me as well. I don't think either one has any justifiable reason for hurting the other. We both broke vows. And I do think that whether or not mine (which was not being faithful)was worse than than things he has done to me, is a matter of opinion. To me it doesn't matter who was worse.
I do want my husband to be happy. I want us both to be. I hesitate to try and leave because he appears to be quite happy with the way things are now.
I know I have messed up. But the truth is I am so very sorry and ashamed. I honestly do not want to hurt anyone. I don't want to hurt by husband. I am not even angry at him for the hurt I have felt throughout our marriage. All I know is I can't go on like this for the rest of my life. If there is still some way things can change for us and we can find a way to be happy together, that is what I want.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 September 2009): PLEASE DO NOT bring an innocent child into this messed up situation. that child if born will be thrown from pillar to post between you and your husband.what i hate about adulterers is giving a very LONG SOB story about how awful their spouse is and how their spouse just doesn't do it for them, and further still paint a dismal, pathetic picture of the FAITHFUL spouse yet it is you that have strayed, you that have messed up SINGLEHANDEDLY. do yourself and especially your husband a favour- institute divorce proceedings. he deserves to find happiness with someone who will love him, someone to call his own soul mate. you think you are doing him a favour by being with him- cut the self pitying crap and admit YOUR FAULTS in your marriage. your hb may not be perfect BUT realise this , you sought sex elsewhere, you broke your vows and YOU violated your home. from what i have read , you have played a vital role in destroying your marriage.it is time to take a hard look at YOURSELF, (critically). if you are honest, not a pretty picture is it? stop looking and shifting ALL the blame on your hb. so the honourable thing and RELEASE HIM, yes, release him to go on and have a better life without you. but you are selfish and you believe you are self sacrificing. you are not. you are selfish, you have shifted blame and you have been a coward. you have not scarified ANYTHING to make your marriage work. you have actually just TAKEN from your husband. if you are SOOOOOOOOOOO unhappy, nobody is forcing you to stay in your marriage, just like no one forced you to have sex with your lover. same difference. you freely indulged and you knew the consequences yet you indulged anyway. stop deluding yourself believing that you are a martyr. the end result of the farce you call a marriage - adultery by yourself and just sign on the dotted line. you seem like a big drama queen. no one is forcing you to stay with a man like your hb. he is not at fault that you decided to seek sexual gratification elsewhere so why must he be punished? i am sure you have made your adultery his problem- meaning that he is wrecking his brain trying to figure out what is wrong in his marriage, how can he rectify, just what the hell has happened. little does he know about your sexual curricular activities now, does he? so please cut the self pitying and do the honourable thing if you know how to. release your husband, release yourself and well, go in search of the greener grass you have already tasted. it may be a bitter taste but if that is what you want please go ahead. your husband is not the problem YOU ARE. the sooner you realise this , the sooner you will realise the shit you have single handedly created. take a hard look at what you have become. be ready to see the difficult answers. can you handle what you have seen.i end this by reiterating- please do not bring an innocent baby into the mess you have created. that is the decent thing to do. furthermore, release your husband. he deserves a faithful partner and darling, believe me there are many many faithful women and i think your hb will not be short of suitable potential soul mates. the question is - if he is not good enough for you as you have depicted, why are you holding on to him???? you obviously do not want him, yet you selfishly do not want him to release him. Stop punishing your husband. You made your chose, you want your lover. Now release your husband. Simple,. No fuss. No drama!
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A
female
reader, Sad and Lost +, writes (19 September 2009):
Sad and Lost is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you to those of you who have answered my question. I appreciate any suggestions more than you can know.To clarify: Reason we don't have children yet- My husband has not been against having a baby right now. We started trying two years ago. I haven't been able to get pregnant due to health problems. However, the doctors think I should be well enough by the end of this year and my fertility will automatically resume. But now I'm scared to get pregnant and bring a baby into our unhealthy relationship. Husband has said he wants a baby but has not shown much of any reaction to our inability to get pregnant when we wanted or to my expressing that I did not want to get pregnant now due to the mess we are in. Thanks again soooo much to those of you who have answered!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 September 2009): Fatherly Advice provided some real food for thought. Worth considering for sure, since I suspect the day you suggest divorce to your husband will be the day the relationship is over from his perspective.
I'm not a big fan of divorce, but sometimes it's just the smart thing to do. And the picture you paint is of one of those situations. Best wishes.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (18 September 2009):
 I don't want to say you are not smart because you are smart. But I think you need to step back from the situation, and get a better point of view. You have goals that you are being held back on. Almost all of your frustration with your husband comes from your desire for children that he wants to wait for in the pursuit of More Money. I don't really believe that you were always unhappy. What I believe is that your current unhappiness is coloring your perception of the past. You may disagree. As a result of your unhappiness you have justified an affair. The end result of the affair was more unhappiness. I'm not about to give you permission to go further down that road. (You don't need any ones permission anyway) The problem is that you don't understand the roots of your unhappiness. You should not waste time and emotion chasing happiness until you have come to understand why you are unhappy. Your husband can not make you be happy , neither can a lover. Your happiness has to come from you knowing inside yourself that you are doing the things that bring long term real happiness. If you feel in your heart and soul that breaking a wedding vow is wrong, then the act will only bring you sorrow. If you feel that divorce is wrong in the same way, then for Pete's sake don't go down that road. I know very few happy divorced people. You will get a lot of advice here to pursue a divorce. That is because you have painted a very bleak picture of your life. When viewed from the outside I only see one thing missing. You have a husband that has been stable with you for ten years, you know how rare that is. He is employed, many women wish for that. You have had the time to pursue an advanced degree. All you don't have is a child. Leaving the stable relationship that you have is not going to speed up that project. How long until you will be as financially set as you are right now? How long until you know that the new guy is a keeper who is going to be with you until you have grand kids?
There is more than one way to look at your situation.
FA
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A
female
reader, CharmmyKitty +, writes (18 September 2009):
 It doesn't seem like this is a very hard decision at all. You've clearly realized you're not happy, and haven't been for a long time. Should you have married him in the first place? Probably not, but you can't get that time back, so don't lose any more! Cut your losses and start over. Life is way too short to waste being unhappy when you have the power to change things. You don't have any kids, so splitting should be relatively easy. I would immediately call a close friend or relative and ask to move in for a while. If you can, I would avoid living alone, because even though your not happy with your husband, any dramatic shift in life can be hard to go through alone. But it's really for the best. Take the time to make yourself happy, because if you stay with him even longer you're only going to regret it later.
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