A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Here are the facts:Married 4 years, prior to that dated for about 6.I am 30, she is 30, we don't have any children. We have owned our own home for about 2 years. Sex is not a problem, we have great sex. Sometimes she nags, but no big deal I can deal with that, she is religious and I am not. She is beautiful, pretty and has never really treated me wrong. There were sometimes issues with trust, sometimes unwarranted, sometimes trust issues that stemmed from things we went trough while dating years back.Four months ago, I decided to become friends with a co-worker of mine. Just friends as I saw nothing in this woman that could remotely make me think that I would like her. As the friendship continued, however, I started to like her, for who she was, she smiles honestly, does not judge me and I can see her as a clean slate. We have great conversations, however around the end of October, things got heated, no physical contact at all, just exchange of e-mails, messages flirting and saying how we missed each other. Well, having never cheated, my wife found these e-mails, she confronted me about them and I like a fool kept lying and denying, even though I knew she had the e-mails. We went trough our issues and she said we could work through it that was back in October. Lately, however, I have been straying and not paying my wife the attention she wants and deserve. I tried all of November to forget about my friend at work, did not talk to her at all and avoided her. However, once December came around, I gave in and we started having lunch again, talking like friends and walking in the park, etc. On christmas, my wife questioned me repeatedly whether I was in love with her, I finally said no and that I found myself having to make myself do things with my wife that would otherwise be natural. I do love and care for wife, yes it's true I may not be in love with her. Then there is this other girl, every understanding, we haven't crossed any physical lines, no kissing or anything like that, but we have been hanging out and getting to know each other. I genuinely like this other woman for who she us and the feeling is mutual. My wife and have not been living together since Christmas and I have been staying at my parents, while she stays at our house. (I still pay my half of the mortgage). My wife initially wanted a divorce, but I went back and told her let's try and work on this, so now I find myself having to decide do I get a divorce and go with this new girl or stay with my wife? By the way, my wife does not know that I have begun speaking to this girl again, she is not aware.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 January 2010): "My wife initially wanted a divorce, but I went back and told her let's try and work on this, so now I find myself having to decide do I get a divorce and go with this new girl or stay with my wife? By the way, my wife does not know that I have begun speaking to this girl again, she is not aware." do your wife a favour and sign those divorce papers. she deserves better than a cheating husband. you are not committed to your marriage since you are still in contact with your 'mistress'. your wife is young, only 30 so she can start another life without her cheating hubby. as for you, you will soon find out that having affairs and lieing is a sure way of destroying loved ones. you have not thought about what this is doing toyour wife. you have been selfish thus far by having 2 women at your beck and call. i truly hope your wife wakes up and decides that she can do better than you. she seems like a remarkable woman and if no body told you this before, let me tell you a secret: good decent people (men/women) are hard to find. your wife sounds like a gem, how long before she goes unnoticed by another man. in all likelihood she doesn't need to try very hard to find your replacement. so please do not think that only you can have your cake and eat it too.
don't be a fool man. you have been thus far and you are destroying your marriage. soon you will have regrets.
A
female
reader, Aussie girl  +, writes (7 January 2010):
 The new woman is great to talk to, easy to get along with blah blah blah, thats because you dont have to talk about the mortgage, the car repayments, who's taking out the trash and she doesnt complain that you left the seat up or that your dirty socks were under the bed!
If you did go with this other woman, eventually these are the things that will pop up in your relationship as well as any other disagreements you and your wife currently have.
My advice is try and work things out with your wife,before she realizes she deserves better.
If you hadnt struck up a friendship with this other woman who by the way obviously has no morals to be seeing a married man, then you would still be happily married.
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A
female
reader, Angzw  +, writes (5 January 2010):
Someone once said there is no person who can give you 100% of what you need. So you are probably getting 80% of what you need from your wife. And the remaining 20% from your girlfriend.
So now, you are thinking of leaving 80% to go and get 20%. In our culture we would say you are selling a cow to go and get a goat. Is it not better to work on making that 80% better? I hope things work out for both of you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 January 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks to everyone who provided feedback. I am mexican and both my mom and dad went through this before, my dad has actually been remarried twice. My older brother just divorced and I have recently been through alot, I think that instead of expressing myself correctly, I have been doing stupid things.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 January 2010): i think your wife is actually better off without you. i hope she realises this too.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 January 2010): You want out of your marriage but are not man enough to do it the right way, so you jump from one relationship to another. Your wife should have gone with her first instinct and divorced you. Too bad she allowed you to talk her out of it; she is so much better off without you.
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A
male
reader, bharat mehta  +, writes (4 January 2010):
 My advice is: STAY WITH YOUR WIFE.
You both lack mutual trust. Your marriage life is not as great sexually as you say, but it can be by starting with new and fresh ideas. Your choice to go with new woman is not grantee that it will not be repetition of your present marriage, and then you will started to see new woman. New woman is not solution, if you cannot understand present woman.
Marriage relationship is great from sexual, spiritual, and intellectual point of view. You should have vision for such greatness.
Sex, if properly realized in spiritual context, then it has great offer: It can give you fresh life. Divinity. ecstatic state. And more: you can not imagined. Not new relation but right view can do such miracle.
If you feel more guidance needed on spiritual aspect of life, please mail me personally, and I will give you some tips on the subject.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 January 2010): You should try and patch things up with your wife. As long as you do not have sex with this other woman, you and your wife should be able to work though this.
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A
female
reader, Angzw +, writes (4 January 2010):
Because there are no major problems with your wife, perhaps you can try work it out. When couples get too comfortable, it is possible that the prospect of a new relationship is thrilling and makes your heart leap. But the reality is that the grass is hardly ever greener on the other side. Once you cross over you usually find all that greenery was nothing but weeds. Do you really want a relationship with someone who is quite happy to encourage you to cheat without a conscience? Something tells me that a year from now, your new woman will start a relationship with someone and cheat on you without even blinking. But regardless, if you feel you can't be with your wife after all that's happened then by all means divorce her so she can move on. But changing wives every few years is unsustainable in the long run. Sometimes you have to learn to love the one you're with; all crushes pass eventually. I doubt you still think of Betty who you would have died for in college.
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A
female
reader, Xolani  +, writes (4 January 2010):
 If she was the one doing that how will you feel just put yourself in her shoes then you'll know what to do.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 January 2010): Your wife sounds lovely and you have alot invested in your marriage. The grass is always greener and more exciting and its easy to think starting afresh will be easy. But in the end you get the same routine and taking each other for granted and the excitement and freshness inevitably wears off.
The problem here is you are not mentally involved with the wife. If you focussed on her and all the good things in your marriage, maybe freshened things up- take a vacation or minibreak or something else to shake up the routine, you should rediscover that you already have everythinng you could want.
Good luck
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