A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I moved from the US to Australia to be with my boyfriend over 2 years ago (he's an Australian citizen). I am currently debating ending my 7 year relationship with him, whom I love very much, because he doesn't want to move back to the states with me in the future, yet I miss home a lot and am not sure I can commit to spending the rest of my life in Australia. It's a huge decision that could impact the rest of my life, and I don't want to do the wrong thing! I am now 26, and have invested a lot of time into this relationship, and while I want it to work, I feel terrible guilt for leaving my family and I miss my friends/home. I always thought I'd be special enough to him for him to make the commitment to move premanently to the US with me as we got closer to marriage age, but now I know that's not the case. Should I be upset with him? Should I settle for a life in Australia even though I feel guilt/homesickness all the time? Should I end it to go home and potentially realise I made a big mistake and that what made me the happiest I left in Australia? My biggest worry is the thought of raising kids without my family around. I desperately want them to be a part of my kids life (when the time comes). I am also terrfied that if I leave a great thing (being my relationship) I may never forgive myself, and may never be able to replace him. Any insight would be great!! I need to make up my mind soon as I am at breaking point. I discussed my delimma wth him and he's sad that I may leave, I have filled him with doubt, but he has said he can't start over again in the states as he's invested in his career and likes his life here, but wants me to stay with him. He's acknowledged he cant ask that of me because it would be selfish and he really wants me to be happy - even if that means me going home and ending it. Thoughts? Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 June 2013): Hi, I am not exactly in the same situation. Except, some day soon I will be facing these same issues.Like yourself, I have an amazing boyfriend who is so loving, nurturing, supportive, and, honestly, lives to make me happy. Sometimes, that in itself, makes being with him so difficult because he does so much for me that I feel like I must do my part to give him something great in return.I live in the US and he lives in Finland (he's Finnish, a citizen). We knew the difficulties of a long distant relationship up front and have talked a lot about the future, because, otherwise dating would be pointless without having some "plan". Being the one who has always wanted to travel, see the world, and experience living other places for a longer period of time than just vacation - I could see myself living in Finland for life.I have one GOOD friend at home, and she has the same aspirations as me. So, I feel confident that our friendship will last from a distance and give us both an opportuinity to visit each other/meet somewhere in the middle, to fulfill out traveling dreams. Me, in Europe and her in Asia.But I have pondered a lot on family. I am not too close to my family, except my DAD is my WORLD! I don't have siblings, really... And I hate the thought of leaving him behind. I haven't been faced to make this permanent decision yet - but I still cry at the thought.But I always think... Do I end my life in a country where there is not much for me except a father who I think would want to know that I am loved, cared for, and respected for the rest of my life when he can no longer be there to protect me? I'd think so... I think it is every parents wish to know that their children will lead good, healthy lives and the weight is off their shoulders in a sense.Now, in terms of parenting, yourself... I have had to really think about if I want my children to lead a life here in the US. Why not? I am American and I have had a good, decent life. Sure, there are some financial struggles, insurances to worry for, and lots of bills. It is nothing new to me. Yet, Finland offers free education - Where I will be getting my masters - Great benefits for new mothers, the second best education in the world, and my kids can grow uo bilingual (or even trilingual if we do it right!) I want my kids to have more opportunities for themselves than having a more increased chance of a struggled life. Plus, there is room for me to even build my own home!You have to think about the bigger rewards for the smaller sacrifices.Homesickness is a natural thing. But, maybe you can see it as more of an opportunity? To travel?Maybe you boyfriend can compromise to move somewhere in another country, instead of US - like Europe, in the middle. I don't know... but those are just my thoughts.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 June 2013): Maybe he was hoping that you would feel that he was special enough for you to leave your life in the states behind for him.
I think you two need to have a serious and uninterrupted discussion about your future.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim +, writes (15 June 2013):
 Your boyfriend sounds like a decent bloke. I can understand his reluctance to move to the US when his career is here. It could be difficult for him to find the same level of job security in the States.
There are also the social aspects as already outlined by Caring Aunty A ....
I am going to assume you are already using the range of technology available to keep in touch with family and friends in the US, such as Skype. My family members keep in touch with children and grandchildren in other countries via Skype, the adults can see the kids growing, and the kids get to interact with the significant adults in their lives.
Another thing to consider would be to always have enough cash in savings just in case you need to go home in a hurry, also to plan for regular trips back to the States, every two years or so ....
Whatever you decide I wish you well.
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A
female
reader, Caring Aunty A +, writes (15 June 2013):
 When I read your post it makes me think of the many immigrants who came here to Australia after WWII who would have felt homesick after leaving their homeland at your age, to start anew and raise a family without their mothers, fathers, siblings and friends… Be that there was no (physical) war making your decision to move here, but love was the motivating factor, your emotions are understandable, based on having the freedom and a home to return to; whereas by contrast some of those immigrants had no home to return to in Europe for example.For my parents they had three options when emigrating from Europe after the War; Canada, USA and Australia. Later as I travelled the world to each of these countries I found myself thinking I could have been born an American or a Canadian living with snow if not for Florida and I’d be subject to that government politics etc.Here you will find as I did that Australia like Canada and the UK have a health system that is FREE! The USA has something but is largely based on their citizens having Insurance? Hence when it comes to the practicality of raising children, being sick, worker’s compensation, pensions and other things, I was grateful that the USA wasn’t chosen by my folks in that regard. Otherwise I would move to the USA tomorrow; somewhere without snow! :)Now whilst your heart strings pull you towards home for familiar comfort and surrounds at a time when your maternal instincts are kicking in, there is a war going on inside of you to consider a new life here or to flee.Although based on your investment into this relationship, you love each other, he wants you to stay, and he also has to consider providing for you and your children, whereas your parents and friends you can always visit!? The other thing that you’re experiencing is the 2 year homesickness blues. This I’ve noticed with other friends of mine, after their second year here.Personally I think given your love for each other and that we as children have to make our own lives one day away from our parents, you would do well to stay here with a good man in a great country that affords you a great lifestyle and health care. Cheers – CAA
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A
female
reader, caught  +, writes (14 June 2013):
Hi, your story sounds so similar to mine its freaky. I was in an identical situation (except with the UK and New Zealand) and after six months of trying to decide and many many talks with my boyfriend, I decided to move back home to the UK - I felt like I was missing out on too much with my family and friends and I didn't enjoy my job in NZ at all. When I came back though, I found all of my friends had moved on with their lives and it wasn't quite the same, and my family were happy for me either way... And we probably only see each other a tiny bit more than when I was away when it was just big holidays and birthdays. Now we meet up on the minor holidays too! My ex has also been in touch a few times and said that he wants to give us another go and would probably move back to the UK for me, being apart made him appreciate what we had. But. Moving was absolutely the right decision for me. I have a much better job here and being away from my boyfriend made me realise how comfortable we were with each other, and not really in love any more, just together for the sake of it because it was easy. Location aside, we probably would have broken up anyway, or rather we NEEDED to break up.Anyway, that's what it was like for me, it is totally your decision... Do what your heart tells you, my heart told me to go home and I did. Yours could well be telling you to stay and make it work with your boyfriend. Don't just do what feels comfortable, do what feels right.Good luck! x
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