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age
51-59,
anonymous
writes: I need some support!I have had a relationship with a married man for many many years we are very very good friends and occasionally we have sex too which is like the icing on the cake. His wife is sick with MS so please dont criticise me for seeing him maybe I'm a softy!Ok, throughout I have known he enjoys gay porn and so on. He has always spent a lot of time in gay chat rooms but up until recently it has stopped there. However recently he confided he has started meeting men for sex. Initially he had a "wank session" ... "so what" he said, "the man wasnt very well endowed and it was all over in a matter of minutes, thats not sex". I disagreed and said that if he was going to carry on like that he must be careful, take precautions and so on. He told me not to worry as the encounter was to be the first and last.Several months later, he spent an entire day on the same website with a huge banner above his name screaming out that he wanted "cock". He disappeared later that afternoon going back in there later so I guessed he had got what he wanted. A couple of days later he admitted he had gone to a mans house and given him a bj. The man came in his mouth but he said "its ok he said he was clean". I went beserk and insisted he went for STD checks to the point, where I actually paid for the first set. Fortunately they are coming back clear although there is still some time to go before he gets his HIV result.He told me he was disgusted with himself and said he had removed his account left the website. He said he had no other accounts on there.I had my suspicions, call it female intuition, and last weekend I discovered he was back in there using an account he had set up 8 weeks ago. He visited again for the 3rd time last night around midnight. I feel guilty because I set up a dummy account to see how far he was going at the moment. He checked "me" out but so far hasn't tried to make contact. Weirdly, the profile he has created is misleading as he has reduced his height by 2 inches and age by 7 years!! Before you ask if I am sure its him, I am, it carries the same password as the previous one which he willingly shared with me. It is a complicated password!I feel betrayed because he lied to me about not having another account on there. I feel deeply angry and used that he willingly took money from me to test for STD's because of the lie. I am deeply concerned that he is unable to keep a lid on this. If he becomes reckless again I dont think I would be able to offer him support in the same way because of the lying. It would destroy his life, his work area requires the utmost personal integrity.He asked if I thought he was gay. I said I am concerned you are a repressed gay guy who is struggling with it. He says he loves me, I do love him.Do I confront now? Walk away? Support or what??
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2011): His wife is sick with MS so please dont criticise me for seeing him maybe I'm a softy!So because his wife is ill that makes it ok to sleep with her husband? You're not a softy .
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 December 2011): First of all, I have to say:You can't expect not to be judged for this. My aunt has MS, and before she did, she had an extramarital affair when she and her husband had problems and even asked for a divorce, but he refused. Why? Because he was a good husband. They worked things out, and even though he's now ill, he has done nothing but hold her hand throughout her illness. He is the epitome of a wonderful man. Never once lied to her or betrayed her.Now, your lover...he is a disgusting man to say the least. I have nothing against homosexual acts, but to cheat on your wife when she is so ill? That is disgusting. To have one on the side is bad enough, but to even lie to the one on the side and have sex with multiple other people? Again, disgusting.This man is putting his health in danger, is totally uncaring about his wife (who is dealing with a horrible, debilitating disease that will eventually cost her her life), is uncaring about you and your health. All he cares about is getting off.He does not love you. He does not love his wife. He loves sex. Point blank. Save yourself while you can, and try to have an honest relationship with someone emotionally and physically available and committed to you. Good luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 December 2011): Do I confront now? Walk away? Support or what??You walk away because this relationship is wrong for so many reasons. His wife may be ill but that doesn't give you the right to have sex behind her back with her husband. Apparently you've been doing it for many years in your own words. Was she incapacitated this entire time?I think it's time to take a serious look at yourself. You're paying for his std testing? How crazy is that? Let him take the risks himself if he wants to and let him pay for his own tests. Back away from it, it's not your responsibility to take care of all of this. He has major problems.
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A
female
reader, Abella  +, writes (30 November 2011):
 Allow him all the time in the world, he is a busy man. He doesn't leave much time to attend to his important job, attend to the care of his wife who is seriously ill, give you his time when it suits his schedule, and NOW find time to hook up with men for sex?
'utmost personal integrity' is a core issue?
Not only is he dissing his wife, now he is dissing and lying to you.
Get out of this hazardous relationship now
why would you put yourself at risk?
Like playing Russian Roulette with your life - if you have to wonder who he has been having unprotected sex with today?
Sever the relationship immediately
You can only lose in the situation
Just as the wife has been losing for years.
After so long the break will hurt, at first. Later you will bless the day you did say goodbye
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 November 2011): Its the lying. How do you repair a relationship with so much betrayal? Let alone he may be bisexual and with this, will no longer remain monogamous.
He's a Serial Cheater Sister!
I see his actions and behaviours are all about sex and he will say and do anything to get it.
Can you live with someone who is not capable of being monogamous? Faithful?
Can you accept you will have to 'share' him with others and that he isn't SAFE about it?
Can you accept he may be putting his and your own health at risk, for the sake of getting off?
If you can yes to all, then fine, right?
You were in love with a Man that NEVER exsisted. So guilt is just another excuse to not face the fact you will be back on your own, in the dating/mating world and its a hell hole.
But its worth the risk of future happiness, with a monogamous, faithful man, don't you think? They are out there. Just have to be more selective.
Hmm.
Counselling to help you sort it all out. Anger, fear, rage, betrayal, pain, sadness, healing, getting healthier so you can make healthier life choices and get some much deserved HAPPINESS.
*hugs*
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (30 November 2011):
 oh so cheating on your wife (in sickness and in health marriage vows be dammed right?) is not impugning his moral integrity but sleeping around with men is?
What pray tell is the DIFFERENCE other than he’s cheating ON YOU now?
So did you think that lying to his wife was ok but you he would NOT lie to? Once a liar always a liar. Yes I’ve known that men who cheat don’t always continue to cheat (my dad is one example of that) but I have NEVER met someone who could lie to ONE person and NOT lie to others… my soon to be ex husband is just that because ONE of his problems was his lies. He swears he’s done lying but he lies to his current partner and she accepts it. I did for years too but it really wears the trust way. Do you trust him? Will you EVER trust him? How will you ever sleep with him again knowing he could be infecting you from his affairs with men… swapping bodily fluids is just that regardless of what orifice they are swapped into or from!
He is LYING to you. He LIES to his wife. You have seen this for years so you KNOW he is capable of lies. AND CHEATING… You know he is lying to you. He is putting YOU in danger. No matter how conflicted he is, no matter how stressed he is, NONE of these things are what makes him lie. He is self-absorbed and selfish.
Yes it’s stressful to have a spouse that is ill. But it’s something we sign up for in marriage… FOR BETTER or WORSE… he just used her illness as an excuse. My next door neighbor has MS.. he left his wife for other reasons but guess what… they are back together. I have a good friend who has MS and she and her husband have a very full life. YES I know there are LEVELS and STAGES of MS… but he’s USING IT AS AN EXCUSE to behave in a very selfish, untruthful, manner.
I am NOT saying YOU did anything wrong because I’m a HUGE believer in the fact that a person who is NOT married is NOT cheating or lying to anyone they know or love. But if you love a man who lies to and cheats on his wife, how can you expect him to be honest and faithful to you?
Do you confront now? What good would it serve you? Would it make you feel better? If he lies will you believe him? If he tells the truth what difference will it make? Will confronting him change your need to be apart from him sexually as long as he is sleeping with men? Will confronting him make him NOT a cheater or a liar?
What would you support in this lifestyle of his? Help him find new male partners? Give him blow jobs when he can’t get a guy? Let him fuck you up the ass so he can feel like it’s a man? Get a strap on and do him??
I'm sorry this is not the supportive loving post you need...
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A
female
reader, bardia +, writes (30 November 2011):
 His work area requires the utmost personal integrity?! But he started all this with an affair?! I'm sorry, but to excuse an affair because of MS is offensive. She may be physically unable to be with him, but she's locked-trapped-in her own body. Can you imagine being perfectly right in mind, knowing your husband is having an affair and not being able to really do anything about it. I thought the vows were "for better or for worse, in sickness and in health, til death do us part". That's the first problem...
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A
female
reader, Starlights  +, writes (30 November 2011):
 This guy clearly has addiction problems.
He's addicted to the site you mentioned, he is addicted to lying to you and he also lies to others (as his account on that website shows) and goodness knows what else he is keeping from you!
He has also put you at risk of catching an STD(s) which is also very worrying as you cant trust him!
I also cannot understand why he could not pay for his own health check because he works.
This man clearly sounds reckless and somewhat taking advantage of your friendship.
I would not trust him because he has already hurt you in such a way you would not expect from someone who truly loves you.
Im sure you love him and as such I advice you to be honest with him and call him out to admit he still has the account on that site.
See what lies he responds with.
Its your choice whether to keep your friendship going and be supportive. I personally would not bother to keep friendship ties with such a man. Simply put he has hurt you big time already... he cannot be trusted!
If you do keep your friendship going please remember to use condoms, this man cannot be trusted as he's proven.
Dont risk your own happiness and health for a guy like this.
Hope this helps!
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (30 November 2011):
As his wife's situation deteriorates with multiple sclerosis I imagine he is feeling very stressed. In the past it was enough to meet your from time to time to ease his tension and allow him a little escape from his wife. http://www.ninds.nih.gov/disorders/multiple_sclerosis/multiple_sclerosis.htm
But it seems that now he needs even more risky activity to generate some excitement. Previously the risk he faced was to his marriage. Often men want to be found out, as a way to end the relationship.
But his situation is more complicated as his wife is sick. So he would look such a heel if he just walked out on his wife as she is so ill. And will get more ill as her illness advances.
So now he is really flirting with seriously risky behavior. Actions that could give him a STD, or could even shorten his life. If he contracts AIDS
I wonder if he needs some counselling to cope with losing his wife, losing you even if you become sick of his benhavior.
Of course he may have always wanted to try men, but felt constrained? I doubt it as he has enjoyed such a long hetrosexual relationship with you.
You are in effect his con-current wife. He cheated on his wife and now he cheated on you.
At least he is consistent.
The time has come to accept that he IS taking you for granted and IS putting you at risk.
And he is seriously putting himself at risk.
He has made this situation happen.
Allow him to reconsider his decision. Alone, without you.
He has far far too much baggage.
NO matter how much you love him how are you expected to share him so many ways? Emotionally sharing him with his wife. And now emotionally sharing him with who ever he can pick up.
If you were only able to enjoy him part time before, things will only get worse once he is also sharing you with his boys.
I realise you love him.
But this is no way to love.
Holiday times are the worst.
Please reconsider if this man can really meet your need in the future? especially if his lifestyle choices are only going to lead to you living in fear of what or who he will bring home next.
Confront? That would just leave to aggro.
Support him? Why? He does not support you by exposing you to potention STDS
Walk away? Yes it is the healthy strong option.
And you do sound strong enough to make this happen.
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