A
male
age
36-40,
*iceGuyLast101
writes:Dear Aunts and Uncles,I've been seeing this girl for about a month. We were set up through a mutual friend. I've grown to really like this girl.But when we first got together she told me she had went about with a guy who was a bit of a bad boy. They had just split up. She told me that she wasn't really wanting anything serious, but she's told me she likes me a lot. A couple of weeks ago though I discovered he had been writing to her. I told her I wasn't happy about it. I asked her not to read his letters. And she said she wouldn't. Then I found out she had been taking his calls. I caught her talking to him. She didn't hear me come in and she had him on speaker phone. I heard him saying, "You must like him a lot?" To which she replied. "No. I like him." Then she said, "I won't let you come between me and him". Meaning me. She's changed her profile photo to a photo of us together too. Now he's back on the scene after being away. And I've found out that she's still communicating with him. She doesn't know that I know. She's told me she doesn't want to be with him, but what does she want? He never did anything to hurt her. He just has a reputation. Why is she keeping secrets from me and why is she still in touch with him if she no longer wants to be with him? Can anyone please give me some advice? Thank you.
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (23 November 2016):
 She has not fully let go off the past yet, because if she had then she would not still be allowing him to contact her. I think after a month you are demanding a bit to much from her. She did tell you she wants nothing serious, you are not in a position to tell her what to do, and it is not a good sign when she feels she needs to lie to you because you have told her not to contact him. Doesn't sound like the best start to me.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 November 2016): She does not want to get rid of the bad boy, she just wants to add you to her life to help balance him out a bit.
Cut your losses and move on.
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (22 November 2016):
 I'm noticing may red flags with this already:
1) I really don't think she's anywhere even close to being over her ex hence still being in contact with him. If she were serious about moving on she would surely block him?
2) she's told you she's not looking for anything serious, where I can tell by the fact you've even asked this question that you are. Being on a differn t wavelength to someone you like is a sure fire way to end up extremely hurt.
3) She's hiding the fact that she's still speaking to her ex which shows she knows she shouldn't be doing it.
4) After only one month and not even as a couple you're asking her not to do things. Whilst it's not an unreasonable request what you're asking as who would be happy if their love interest was speaking to their ex? It's not acceptable to flat out say 'I want you to stop doing x'
She's been upfront with you and said she wants something casual, I'm getting the vibe that you don't, so I'm going to say there's a high possibility you're going to end up hurt somewhere in this.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 November 2016): This guy could be violent and she is scared of him and worried about both your safety.Look at it from this prespective and if so discuss with her the best way to deal with him .
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice  +, writes (22 November 2016):
 Personally I can see why a past with "bad boys" has you nervous. The stats are not in your favor. You ask "why is she still in touch with him if she no longer wants to be with him?" The answer is twofold. One he has a strong personality and still exerts some control over her. Trust me he knows all of the tricks. Second He excites her.
Here is where you are making a mistake. It is not his control that turns her on. In Fact the controlling was probably the reason she left him. As Honey and SVC are telling you. The excitement is what she CRAVES. If you can be exciting without being controlling (you can use the word Clingy here as well) you will win this. She is already protecting herself from him. Part of being exciting is not being available all the time. Having your own hobbies and interests outside of the relationship. Doing nice things unexpectedly is also good. But not just flowers. Find something non generic that will melt her. Something that will be special just to her.
And do give her some time. You are on the fast track to nice guy, rebound, friendzone. Back off and let her finish her separation at her own pace.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (22 November 2016):
 I (as usual) totally agree with Honeypie. You after a couple of weeks asked her not to read his letters. This after she told you she didn't want anything serious.
I'm married and I would not let my husband get away with trying to control who I have contact with. That is my decision not his.
She is keeping secrets from you because she knows you will not be happy and she might lose the fun and games she is having with you.
IF you want to continue with her and let this relationship blossom at it's own speed quit trying to control it and her and just go with the flow... let her figure it out in her own time that she wants to be with you over him. You can't force it.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (22 November 2016):
 I don't think YOU (after only a month of "dating" can make demands like - don't read his letter and don't talk to him. I simply don't. It's controlling.
Now I GET why you aren't keen on it (who would be?) having some ex-bf looming over the two of you while you are in the get to know each other phase, it STILL doesn't give you the right to DICTATE who she can talk to.
She is keeping secrets from you because 1. you have already tried to control her once and 2. you and she are not YET a couple. 3. SHE SAID she didn't want anything serious... 4. It's been A MONTH!
I'd say keep your jealousy in check, keep those insecurities in check.
You might really really like her, but if SHE isn't looking for serious and you ARE - why is she even an option?
I think you need to chill. TAKE the time getting to know her. A month is not that much time.
IF YOU TWO at some point decides to be exclusive AND a seriously committed couple then you talk boundaries and how you both would LIKE each other to deal with things like exes and contact.
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