A
male
age
36-40,
*adgerZ
writes:I've known this girl for almost four years now, and I love her to death, as a friend, not as a significant other, just to make the issue clear. I first met her at a job we both worked at. I was working there with a friend of several years, and he and the girl in question began a fairly serious relationship. Eventually it came to light that she was sleeping with another person, from the same business establishment, and neither of the men in question had any idea the other was involved at all...this continued like this for almost two months. When the truth finally surfaced it turned out that there was ANOTHER man involved, not from the workplace. In the midst of this honest-to-god love triangle, she was telling each man that she "Loved" him, throwing the "L" word around like it meant nothing. I found her to be an amazing person, so I thought, and I allowed her this indiscretion as a mistake of her age, being only 21 at the time. That issue resolved itself...kinda' (long story short...for now) I moved away, a year passes, I move back, and lo' and behold she's working at my new place of employment, and she's dating my boss...turns out, she's doing the same exact thing....Dating my boss who we'll call Tom for convenience sake....let's call the girl Sue...Anyways, Sue is telling tom she has to hang out with her roomate, take her dog out, put her dog up, has a vet. appt....etc... all sorts of seemingly reasonable excuses to not stay at Tom's place...well it turns out she's been sleeping with another two of her ex-boyfriends...all while telling Tom that she loves him SOOO much, talking with him about what she wants to name THEIR children, how she knew when she met Tom's brother that he'd be super important in her life and that that was a sign of their being destined to be together forever and what not. I'd thought, as previously stated, that this was an immature stage, she'll grow out of it...WRONG. What scares me the most though, is that although everyone around her knows exactly what her game is, she refuses to admit it. Tom know's EVERYTHING written her, and all he wants is the finality of hearing her admit what has happened, and she absolutly refuses to admit any sort of quilt, when the entire situation is clearly her fault. Instead she wants to harp at him for talking with any girls, (Tom is a manager at a successful Restaurant/Bar in a college town...girls are in there all the time, he can't ignore them) She will ride him all night about these harmless conversations, trying to quilt trip him so badly that he can't be mad at her any more...or so I thought. But the more I see her trying to talk w/ him about their "future children" and how "important his family is to her" and how "madly in love with him" she is, the more I feel that she is more full of shit than anyone I've ever known...My question at this point is do I confront her and be like "Look, everyone knows EXACTLY who you are, the only person you're fooling is yourself...get over it, get yourself some help because you are seriously fucked up." Or just let it go... I feel like if she changes, it'd be awesome to be the person who helped her, but at this point, it seems like it'd take a miraculous life changing event to shake her up....HELPif you need any more in depth info to help diagnose the situation i'll give you all you need, just ask.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 October 2009): Oh, and I would talk to Tom about it more than her honestly. Let him know that he deserves better than anyone playing games with him like that. She might only be doing it sub-consciously, but that doesn't mean that it's not happening. Anyone that tries to make their significant other feel bad just to get their way is not healthy. They're lacking their own self-esteem and internal makeup.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 October 2009): Honestly, you can tell her if you want but I doubt she'll thank you for it. This is a pattern she's had for years now, and just knowing that she's getting away with it is not her reason for doing it. There's something a lot deeper there, and while it's hard to turn your head to it, that's what my suggestion would be.
Besides the fact that you work with her, why does it even matter? You obviously don't hold her in a high regard (and I wouldn't either) because she lacks basic forms of integrity. I'm not trying to be mean but it's coming out that way. Sorry :(. You're right - it would take 'a miraculous life changing event' to make her break this pattern, the problem is only she knows what that would be - and she might even not know what it is! Hopefully she'll start asking herself why she's not happy and what will make her feel fulfiled in life and go from there.
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