A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hello Agony Friends...As the title suggests, i'm hitting a period in my life where i need to define my priorities. My boyfriend and I are together since 3 years now: we complete each other on a mental and physical level and see marriage, kids down the road. However our current economic situation is unstable: low end job and low wages so planning anything in the future like marriage, children, savings don't look so good. I have the possibility to do a degree overseas, and i am very confident that it will boost my chances of getting later on a good job and pay. My boyfriend has mentioned he would not be against going there but i feel like he is making excuses to delay this as long as possible and is trying to discourage me from going there. Even though i'm happy with my bf at the moment, i worry about the future. I feel like if we are at the same position as now, nothing will change in the next 10 years and we will still have the same low paying jobs and if we ever do break up for whatever reason, i will always regret about not having done that degree to improve my life on a financial level.On the other hand, if i do decide to go overseas without him, i'm afraid he will break up with me because of that, or that the LDR will just not work out (especially if then he decides he doesnt want to join me). I will also feel that i will lose a part of myself without him. I do not want to stay in the country we are currently in as the economic situation is really worse and i do not like the environment there (not good to raise kids for example). What would guys do? Do you have any experiences of this where you have to chose between yourself and the person you love?
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 July 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMany thanks to every single one of you! All your responses really touched me and have definitely helped me get a much clearer perspective on the situation. I feel much more at peace in my head now :)
I made my decision to do my degree overseas no matter what. I will do everything possible for him to come along but if it can't happen for whatever reason, i don't want it to stop me.
What you guys are saying about being able to provide in the future depending on actions and not dreams really made a lot of sense and that also if my bf feels the same about our future, he should think that it's also in his benefit too. Also what you guys mention about future resentment is so true! the least of things i would want is to "wake up" and have regrets in 10 years or so.
About my boyfriend: he is also unhappy about our current financial situation and feels/agrees that we can't have a stable/family life if we continue this way. However i feel like he is not really taking any actions to fix that either.
In any case, my mind is set. Thank you again to all!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 July 2012): I think he may be insecure that you will break up with him if you go overseas and find someone new to be with since he's not there.he has his reasons for not wanting to go overseas. Maybe he is attached to his friends and family here. that's valid too and maybe for him, his priorities are different and he doesn't see the dead end job situation as being that important. find out what his fears are about going overseas with you, or you going by yourself. then see if you can work out a way to address those. but right now it sounds like you don't know why he is reluctant, only that he is. one thing is for sure - you already feel that you cannot stay here. Therefore staying here just out of fear of losing him, is in the long run going to lead to resentment in you which will cancel out the benefit of having 'held onto' him, so you shouldn't do it. You should pursue your career. you just need to figure out what else needs to be done. what do you think of allowing the situation to reveal where your relationship is headed? In other words, instead of fretting about whether your relationship will survive or fall apart if you go overseas, why not do it and then see which it is?
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (4 July 2012):
 Your "career" choice is really a family-decision, isn't it? You want marriage and a house: and you need the money to get that. You want a good job in a country where you feel more secure financially: and where you think it will be better to raise children.
It looks to me as all your choices are both family AND career choices, which is how things should be if you have a good healthy balance.
You're not saying no to a family life. You're saying no to raising children in the slums or in poor conditions. You want what's best for both you and your future children. If your boyfriend can't support you in that then know what? He just isn't worth it. If he doesn't support you in it then.. well, then he's basically saying that he want to be selfish.
Then again, you need to be willing to put in the effort it takes to have a long distance relationship, if you really want your boyfriend, and he really wants you. They can survive, and even if he doesn't follow you right away he might after some time, and after he's found his own career opportunities in the same country as you.
Go do the degree.
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A
female
reader, BondGirl72  +, writes (4 July 2012):
 What are your boyfriend's plans for the future? Do they include you? Do they include good paying jobs for both of you? The reason I ask is because you seem to have plans and dreams, but you do not mention how he sees the future. What does he think of your current financial situation? All of your statements here include the both of you...you want to get a better degree to help the financial situation for both of you, you want to move to a different location because where you live now does not offer much opportunity of a good place for raising kids. I see not mention of what he wants for the future. If he wants a future with you, he would be looking at ways to make this work somehow, not discouraging you. If he is interested in a future with you, I would think he would be thrilled that you are taking it upon yourself to get a degree to help the financial situation for the two of you. I guess it depends on what he really wants. I would have a serious talk with him about your future and finances to see what he is thinking. Then, make your decision after that. You could come back here and share what you find out when you get the new information. Just from what you share here, it doesn't sound like he is thinking about a future with you at all.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 July 2012): You don't have to choose between him and the course, you can have both.
OP the choice you have is quite simple really, you can't go on living under your current financial circumstances, it's making you unhappy and you have an opportunity to improve that. What kind of future have you to look forward to with him if things stay this way? Who says you'll even last another year if you start feeling like he's holding you back and not wanting you to move forward and start creating a better life for both of you.
OP if you're scared that the he is going to break up with you for working on a better life for both of you then you don't exactly complete each other or have as strong a relationship as you might believe.
LDR's are tough but they can be made work, you're together three years, if you're relationship can't survive you going doing what you pretty much have to do then all that talk of marriage and kids was just fantasy.
"Do you have any experiences of this where you have to chose between yourself and the person you love?"
Always choose yourself with things like this, always. Other than what he may think is there really anything bad about you're proposing? There isn't is there? This really is your chance at creating a good life for yourself, a life you want to live and to be the person you want to be you want him to be a part of it but if he can't support you in the things that you not only want, but need to do then he's not really made for you.
OP relationships are just as much as the practical side as they are about the emotional side. Love won't feed your kids or buy you a nice house to raise them in, love isn't going to heal the stress of working in shit job for no money and trying to raise kids at the same time, and love is not going to stop the regret and perhaps resentment at not taking an opportunity to better your life when you had the chance.
Relationships come and go, that's a fact of life, but you may not get this kind of opportunity again. Next time it arrives who knows what will be going on in your life?
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (4 July 2012):
 I think you need to be selfish in this situation and put yourself first. I have no doubt that you both have a very strong relationship for now, but if it all went wrong in the future you would be bitter and regret not going to do your degree. It is not often people get an opportunity like this, so grab it with both hands and make yourself a better life.
You need to sit down with your boyfriend and explain to him how important this is to you. My guess is that you are worrying about things here that probably won't even happen. If you two are meant to be together then you will be and moving away won't come in between that. Discuss your options, weather it be he moves with you and gets work or if he stays behind and you make arrangements to see each other often. You both need to sit down and come up with a plan. If you love each other enough you can both make it work. Good luck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 July 2012): A boyfriend/girlfriend is great to accompany you through life, but you don't need ANYONE to complete you.. I would take the opportunity.. If he plans to get married to you, then he has to learn to deal with what opportunities and adventures come your way.. I'm not saying dump him (unless you want to), but don't stay with someone who will hold you back.. If you want kids, you need the best income you can get.. Trust me, they cost wayyy more than anyone makes it out to be, but they are so worth it.. And the fact that you would think about them before you have even become pregnant or had a child yet, to me, shows you will be an excellent mother one day. If he truly loves you, it won't matter what decisions you make, he is going to stay by your side.. For better or for worse, in sickness and in health, for richer or for poorer, As long as you both shall live.. (I Think I Got That Right. :P Haha).Anyways, I wish you the best of luck in your journey through life and in your current situation.(:
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