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male
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anonymous
writes: Maybe a typical problem, but I have to choose between my partner and my lover. There is no right or wrong, just a unhappy situation that needs fixing. I have been with my partner for about 15 years, a partner that I love dearly but love only as a sister. We get on together, but nothing deeper on a relationship basis. My partner has a non existant sex drive, and yes you guessed, I have a extremely high sex drive. I know many people will point fingers and say this can be adressed, and it can on some level, but it's a simple fact that we are sexually at different ends of the spectrum, and we don't meet at the middle. We have no sexual contact, and exchange a polite kiss on the cheek as we leave for work. My partner is very attractive, whom I still fancy to no avail. For years I have expressed the desire to have children, kept asking knowing that she, I feel would actually like to me a mother if she had them, but she always has a answer or avoids the situation alltogether. I let her give up work to try to entice her to think there may be more to life, but she fills the spare time by shopping and visiting her mother. Her Mother has a uncontrolable hold over her. My partner puts her mother above everyone, she phones her about 3 times a day even when she sees her, and seems to be under some kind of spell ! I am woken at the weekends by her downstairs on the phone for what seams to be hours.... Anyway all this over the years has produced a cocktail of upset for me, and when I changed jobs I met the most wonderful adoring women, whom showed me what it means to love, so we have over the past 2 years beeing seeing each other and having a affair. My lover is 12 years older than me, and has children, and grandchildren.It has got to the stage now where I have to be fair to all of us, my lover whom cannot afford to waste her life waiting for me, my partner to be fair to her, and me to stop all the turmoil, I have been going through.My lover wants me to leave my partner and move in with her. I think I want to do this, as she is a fun loving person who loves me for who I am, who I adore and have grown close to. The downside is she is older, and I wanted children.My partner I nearly walked out on last year, until she broke down in tears, and I reconsidered to try to ease things. I told her I was unhappy about no sexual contact. I said I was tired of coming below her mum and dad. I was tired of coming home to no meal when she had been at her mum's all day, and fed up of her always talking to her mum etc.etc.True to form she bucked up for a few months we had sex once, and now things are back as before.Now the reason I haven't gone and maybe why I stayed, is basically she is very fragile, and totally dominated by her mother. I have many times told her she has to change for her own good, and she says she can help being the way she is, and I realise she can't help this, she doesn't want to be this way, it's just the way she has been brought up.Also she has no life outside either me of her mother, so when I leave she will have to go home, and albeit reunited with her mum, I worry she will be stuck there, and as I said at the start still love her as a sister.My lover has been nothing but understanding up until now, and I can realise why. She doesn't deserve to be treated like this by me, so I need to try to get the strength to leave. I know the only reason I put up with my partner and her selfish ways is because I have my lover. If she left me it would destroy me, so why do I risk that destruction by not leaving my partner? How can I gain the strength to make that move? Why do I worry about someone who doesn't worry about me?
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male
reader, rolfen  +, writes (3 September 2008):
 You accuse her from being selfish... but did you ever wonder about her needs...? Did you ever ask yourself during the 12 years what you could do for her?
Ask her, please her, give her more of what she wants, and then maybe she will be more willing to give you what you want. Did you ask her why she doesnt want to have children? Maybe she wants to get married first?
It is fair that you should get married... 12 years without marriage is pretty long. That is all very weird.
Also, cheating is wrong... and you might pay for it some day... watch out!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 July 2006): there's more to a relationship than just sex u know.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 February 2006): You're right-this situation is not fair to anyone, including your long term partner. No one can say why you won't leave. Obviously, you fear hurting her because you do care and love her..albeit a sisterly love. There is no way you will be able to save her any hurt by leaving this relationship. This is life and we've all been there. A strong physical intimate relationship is a significant, healthy part of a love relationship for many of us. Allotting 'intimate and affection' time in one's life for your partner is an important ingredient in all love relationships. When a relationship becomes sexless and one person refuses to partake, then the other person feels deprived and ends up in a unhappy place where it's like they are committing a slow emotional suicide. If you do really recognize that you and your partner don't have enough intimacy to make your love work out more than a good friendship, I really believe that you need to set both yourself and your partner free to find a complete union with a more suitable person. She needs the same as you do..the opportunity to find her own happiness. But I do need to say, I believe that before anyone just walks away, they need to do everything they can to repair the relationship and it really sounds like you have done this. However, your decision to entice her to remain home and have children is something you should be grateful...didn't happen. It's not fair to even think about children when one's relationship is on shaky ground. You and your partner have grown in two different directions. While I respect that she helps her mother, she is neglecting her relationship. There has to be a healthy balance. When both person's goals and styles of growing are too different, it will no longer be healthy or emotionally fulfilling for you to live together. Counseling or therapy can help many sexual problems (such as erectile failure, pain during intercourse), but it has a poor track record when it comes to resurrecting sexual desire in a person. She seems to have lost desire for you. There is some successful relationships, where both people agree that sex is not important to BOTH of them and their relationship does survive. But, if sex in a relationship has stopped or became very infrequent over a long period of time, and one person is miserable as a result and all avenues have been sought..leaving may be the only option. When sex is alive and going strong, even though there are lots of other problems, I do believe however, that couples can work things out. In your case, you are better off...moving on. Not an easy decision, but I do agree with you. You are both are just 'sliding' along and it's time-to call this a day.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 February 2006): I understand your frustration. Have you considered therapy for your wife or as a couple. I too have been in this situation to some extent, although not nearly as extreme. My wife would be happy with sex a couple times a month, I on the other hand would like 2-3 times a week. Two times would be fine aactually. What I really want is to have a paratner who is interested in making our sex life more interesting. By the way, we've been married 20 years. This has always been an issue. Sex is just not a priority to her.My thoery on this, is that the person with the low sex drive is the one who needs to do most of the work, as far as changing. The way I see it, as long as you're not asking for crazy strange stuff in the bedroom, why would the person with the low sex drive resist changing? After all, it's not as if you're asking for something that causes pain or is expensive. It should be fun and the worst thing you'll get is an orgasm. Provided the relationship is good in other areas, an increased sex life can only be a positive thing. It's difficult because the one with the low sex drive has all the power. If they are unwilling to negociate, the other person is stuck. Sex is a basic need. An analogy would be if you were thirsty on Monday at 3 pm and your partner told you she'd give you a drink on Thursday at noon. You tell her your thirsty now and she doesn't care. When one person has all the power, it builds resentment. It also turns into a viscious circle. The more you ask for change, the more resentment your partner feels towards you. It seems at this point you've made up your mind. It's really too bad you had the affair before you gave your partner the opportunity for one last chance. No matter what happens now, you'll look rotten. And you do own that. You know it was wrong. Just as much as your partners unwillingness to work on the sex. Who do you love more? Who do you want to be with. Come clean to your partner. She should know by your history what you've always wanted. She also knows inside if she ever really tried to change. If she realizes she didn't, she might forgive you and work things out.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 February 2006): Perhaps it was the way you were brought up. You whether you realize it or not have established something with ur partner. A comfort zone--a way of doing things. Humans by nature don't like change it makes them uncomfortable. Surely you had other feelings for ur partner in the beginning. If you really wanted to leave you would have. If I were in your position I would get counseling with ur partner to try and rekindle. If it doesn't work you can find someone else that is young enough to have your children and support you in the way both these women lack.
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