A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I'm Indian. I'm doing my MBA from a prestigious Indian bschool. As a part of exchange program I'd come to Italy for 4 months. I met an Italian guy within 1 week of coming to Milan (who's also 13.5 years older than me...I'm 23, he's 36) and he says he immediately fell in love with me. He asked me out. We went out for a few times and after that got together as a couple. Within less than a month of being together he proposed marriage to me. I didn't think too much either and accepted. Now the time for me to go back to India and find a job is drawing close. He wants me to not take up a job and join his family business. I had always dreamt of a prestigious corporate career and have worked towards it all my life. Not taking up a job at this stage is too much of a sacrifice for me and I don't want to do that at all. He on the other hand doesn't believe in long distance relationships (Milan-Mumbai really IS long distance...we'd probably be meeting each other 2-3 times a year in that case) and is telling me that if my relationship is not as important to me as my career we should break up...or at least I shouldn't expect him to remain committed to me when I'm away. Breaking up will be too heart breaking for me. I have been thinking of breaking up for quite some time but whenever I feel he trusts me and loves me it becomes very painful to me to think of break up. Then again I'm not sure that I'll get SUCH A good job if I go back to India. SO I'm also afraid of having to regret all my life leaving something exquisite (his genuine love for me) for an average job...on the other hand if I take the other option (marrying him and staying back in Milan) I'm afraid I'll regret all my life not having the career I always dreamt of...Another point is that he's also controlling in nature...my close ppl who know of this relationship have also warned me of being trapped in a lifelong slavery if I abandon everything I have for the sake of this relationship.Please guide me to choose what I should do. :(
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (12 January 2011):
 @Danielepew : oh no, I like Italians. Maybe I don't like men that much !:) ...but that's another story. ( Just kidding ! ).
It's just that marriage - with any nationality - is a serious thing and our OP has not thought well about all it would mean, including the legal aspects.
A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (11 January 2011):
 Well, I thought you were married. If you're not, then that changes the whole thing. You still can make a decision on your own.
Cindy, how come you don't like Italians? Mascalzone!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 January 2011): Okay, I have absolutely no qualifications, just an opinion. IF you love him and are confident in his love, have the support of his family and yours, and can find a job in Italy, go for it. IF on the other hand he loves you but you are unsure, either of your families have serious reservations, or you simply cannot envision a future working alongside him in his business,break if off cleanly. Neither side should be considering the other as a source of possible labor and employment as the primary reason for a marriage. It should be about compatibility, companionship. love, comfort, passion and loyalty. That said, any marriage is going to take everything you have to give and more, and you still have to work on yourself and your goals too. Is there a good mentor you can talk this over with, one who does not have a vested interest in the outcome other than the best interests of both parties? It might be best to seek that kind of clarity before making a decision. Best wishes on your future in any case!
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (11 January 2011):
Being Italian ,I should root for the guy from Milan, instead I tell you : please don't do it. Go home.
You said you only were to stay in Italy 4 months : do you want to marry a guy after having known him since less than 4 months ?? Very risky. Very imprudent.
Also , you should go to your Consulate,and/ or to the Foreigners Bureau of the Questura , and ask infos about the marriage procedure, and what your legal position would be. Unluckily I don't know much about this subject, but I think that ,married or not, you could not authomatically convert your student visa into a work permit. And I know that since July 2008 the laws about marriage with strangers ( due to a tidal wave of fake marriages done only to get citizenship ) have become much much more restrictive, I don't think that marrying an Italian would
authomatically entitle to you to live and work in Italy.
Unless there are particular agreements between your country and mine - you should go back to India then your husband should start the application for " marital reunion ", it's a rather lengthy process ( 8 or 9 months at least ).
Again, I do not have exact infos for your situation, but I would advise you to check very well just in case , you don't want even THINK to stay in the country illegally once your visa has expired, like I said immigrations laws have been tightened a lot recently, and now it's no joke breaking them.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew +, writes (11 January 2011):
There are different ways to interpret your difficult situation.
One can be that you are married to him and you should put the marriage first. You don't know if you will have a good job in India and you should also think that this is your husband and his ability to move there is something you have to consider. He has a business there, too.
Another can be that you were clearly a career girl and he knew it. By asking you to stay in Milan he's thwarting your career and your intelligence. You didn't study all these years to become a housewife. He knew who he was marrying, and he should be able to give up a bit and let you develop your potential in full.
You can also say that this was to be expected. Either you stayed in Italy, or he left for India. Both should put the marriage first and decide who stays where on the basis of what is best for both, as a couple, not what is best for one of you individually. I would need to point out that, this being true, I would have expected the 35 year old to know better. But then it should also be said that both of you had to know this moment would be coming and you should have discussed this in advance.
Someone could think that neither side is willing to give in, and both are playing the game of brinkmanship, taking things to the very edge of disaster to cow the other into giving in.
I see that, in you and your husband's view, you are in a zero-sum game (wow, am I speaking like a bastard). Either he gets it all, or you get it all. It shouldn't need to be that way.
Indian professionals are very well trained and respected around the world. I have met a few and they are all excellent and very smart. Is it impossible for you to get a career job in Italy?
I like Italians and I know they are very talented as well. Is it impossible for him to move to Mumbai?
Hope this helps.
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