A
female
age
36-40,
*ucylu224u
writes:My future husband and I had a fight about this woman that he works with over the fact that she texts/calls alot. (He is 25 and she is 45). She knows about me and she is just a very friendly person - - she messages me on facebook alot about getting together. He says that they just have FRIENDS and that she is old enough to be his mom. He asked me if I wanted him to stop talking to her and I said no, that that was ok. Since this has happened their conversations have dwindled down almost to nothing. Well yesterday I saw he text her " I came to see you at your department but you weren't there" with a sad face icon.Do I bring this up to him or just let it go?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 March 2011): Had to post again..as the 'Playground stuff is continuing'EXAMPLE1: "Ask for his phone, say yours is out of charge, so you can LOOK through his texts, and say, hey what's this?"Is this really any way to be having a mature relationship with anyone, let alone someone you are considering to trust with YOUR life long-term. If two people can't discuss, debate, ask openly about any slightest or big problem before they get married, they should NOT marry as there will be copious times when open discussion is needed, not communication you would expect from a 13 year old. You can't give ultimatums either to a guy, it's me or her, as he's already chosen by the time you get there..it's her. Whoever suggests to a female to settle for that, is creating a path for her to walk on rocky road of compromise. EXAMPLE2: " His text was not about flirting, but a regret he can't be friends " where does that come from, seriously, NO one on here KNOWS 100% that this guy is NOT flirting, or what texts he sends, that his current girlfriend does not see, or what emails he may or may not exchange with this woman. Until one knows conclusively that this woman is NOT a threat, then this young woman should most definitely be cautious. As for her being 40ish so NO threat, not to worry as the woman probably likes the 'Mother figure respect' What utter rubbish!!If any woman believes that a 40 year old befriends a younger guy for this reason only, must be either very young herself or very naive. Guys in their 20's find the 40ish woman very attractive, not a mother figure, especially if she looks after herself. If this woman in question has been around for YEARS before this couple got to together, where there was NEVER any physical attraction, it was purely platonic friendship, then the scenario suggested (No threat)is possible, but again NO one on here knows how they met, why or when. If on the other hand they met through Facebook, and he's added her, or vice versa, and texting outside this arena, then it has moved from Facebook (virtual)into a more personal real connection. I urge you to DISCUSS this openly, not make excuses about your phone not working, or any other action which denotes neither of you have reached the maturity level for the long hard slog of marriage. If you don't get to grips with it now, and face up to your concerns, you are burying your head in the sand and creating an opportunity for HIM not to be adult and look you in the eye and discuss this.Please don't compromise, find the strength to be your own woman, with your own standards, and if the guy doesn't keep to that or live up to it..then you move on to a man who will.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2011): Hi, GS ( Girl support) here,
Sticky situation, but I think I know a way aroud it. I thought about your question loads. Well put, there. I suggest that you ask to send a text on his phone because yours s out of charge. Say you got a text so you can look through his texts. Say,
Whats this? If he goes weird, shout if he doesnt keep going. Say, if you trust the guy then give him a bonus. Nag him about it all day, then say sorry and go all teary. If he crackes, then say that it her or me, you have a week to pick. Its better to be alone for the rest of your life then in bad company of 5 minutes. Go find someone how DOESNT cheat on you. P.S You ca give him a second chance, but then do the same tecneak (however you spell it) when hes fogotten about what happened. Though its all about trust.
GS?hope I helped!?
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (4 March 2011):
 You can let it go. They saw that their relationship makes you uncomfortable and it became awkward. At the same time he's sad that their friendship is not the same. His text was not about flirting, but a regret that he can't be friends anymore.This woman is not really a threat. A 40-ish woman enjoys being with a younger man because a younger guy respects a mother figure and he makes her feel young. Instead of asking why he broke the rule, just focus on your quality time together. Get him to pay you the attention that he didn't when he was texting, talking too much before.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2011): This is playground stuff sorry! You're 22-25 about to marry this guy and instead of being relaxed with all the future brings, you're on DC asking about whether this 45 year old woman has got the HOTS for your man, and that is the gist of it.
Then we get the 'FACEBOOK' scenario, the friends thing, she contacts you, you contact her, or add her as a friend..please you are about to be married. If you can't ask this man, what, and why he is texting this woman saying " I came to see you at your department but you weren't there" with a sad face icon, then you face a marriage of dishonesty, and walking on eggshells.
Please, step back for a minute, you're considering marrying a guy who already texts other women you feel possibly could have something going on, and he's on facebook with HER as a friend, not exactly mature, stable foundations for a happy marriage. Where did he meet this woman, what is their connection, what brings them together.
Only you know this, but for me, any guy interested in texting females who were NOT already long standing platonic friends by the time I met him, I would be putting a halt on the marriage.
Instead of asking advice on here, you need to be confident and decide what YOU want from a marriage, because IF you put up with this now, I promise you, this man is not going to be your Prince Charming who won't entertain other women as part of his relationship with you. This usually comes after marriage, when routine has set in, so as I say be careful not to marry a man who is a player.
Good luck!
Dr.Date ( Dating and Relationship consultant)
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