A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Ok so before you read this I know what I did was wrong and deeply regret it and it's all a big mess.Four years ago I was in a really bad place. I had fallen out with my parents and moved out of home in to a grotty flat which I had to work 3 jobs in order to pay the rent and hung around with a bad bunch of so called friends. One of my jobs was in a pub and I got to know the locals quite well- 1 guy in particular. He was much older and married with grown up kids. We became quite friendly - he was easy to talk to and i felt comfortable around him. He helped me get on a college course and gain some qualifications and helped me update my CV etc...then our relationship turned in to an affair for a few months (I absolutely regret this). Unfortunately he started to fall in love with me however I didn't feel that way and decided to break it off and never saw him again.In time I got myself sorted- I started talking to my parents again and moved back home and got myself a decent job and ditched my group of friends.I then met a really great guy through work and we were seeing each other for 8 months and fell in love, but then I met his parents....His dad was the guy I had an affair with 4 years ago!! I couldn't believe it when I met him - the look on my face said it all as I had to admit to him and his mum that I knew his dad as a regular at the pub I worked at....obviously not mentioning anything else !!I don't know what to do!!! Do I break up with him? Do I tell him the truth and no doubt wreck his family?? I feel so sick and sad, and guilty and I can't sleep..I since met his parents a few more times and all his dad said to me (whilst we were alone) was "forget we ever happened,it was a mistake."What shall I do??
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female
reader, deirdre  +, writes (8 September 2014):
Firstly, Im not going to judge you at all since we all make mistakes and we are all a lot wiser in hindsight than we were at the time. In my opinion it seems an awful shame to ruin what has been a great relationship seeing as this happened a relatively long time ago and clearly is something you both regret.As the other posters have said, dont breathe a word of this to anyone. A secret is not a secret once 3 people know. If you wish to continue your relationship, do so but dont tell your boyfriend about this ever.Good luck and best wishes
A
female
reader, Brokenv  +, writes (8 September 2014):
Do not tell anyone.....you have to ask yourself what will you get out of this? What will everyone else get out of it?
It was 4 years ago. That is in the past. Move forward and don't look back. You were young. We all make mistakes. Don't let this hold you back. You are a different person in a different direction.
You telling your BF will only hurt him and hurt the family. That is not going to achieve anything.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (8 September 2014):
 I wouldn't say a thing, but I don't think I could continue dating the guy either. I'd feel guilty every time I looked at him or had to interact with his family.
If this relationship turned really serious - as in marriage, what then? Can you marry a guy and keep THAT secret? I couldn't.
Having an affair has ramifications beyond the two people committing the affair, and you now see just how far they reach. A painful lesson.
If you tell the guy, you can ruin HIS whole family. If you don't then you will have to carry it around. I don't believe in marrying a person when you have a secret like that, but I seriously doubt many men would forgive a woman for hurting his mom and.. screwing his dad.
Over all it sucks.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (7 September 2014):
 Karmic connection OP, there's no way you can fight this. Lots of people go scot-free after having an affair but you're being made to pay for your mistake. You cant possibly marry this guy knowing that you've had sex with the father-in-law. What if you had kids? How odd would it be that you've had sex with the grandfather! Yuk!!
Sorry OP but you have to call things off with this guy. This is a lesson to you and to everyone reading this post, that we have to reap what we sow and that there's no escaping the past.
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A
female
reader, oldbag +, writes (7 September 2014):
 As the man said
'forget we ever happened it was a mistake'
Saying anything now would wreck too many lives - so keep your mouth firmly shut
If you cannot cope with the guilt then split with your boyfriend - just don't say why - and move on
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 September 2014): Bad behavior, no doubt but live and learn. As for telling him, I'd say that would be cruel and pointless. The only think it would help and probably only temporarily, is your feelings of guilt. It's a bit selfish considering it is your poor choices in life help get you here to begin with.
Either you bury it, or break up. Forgive yourself and don't repeat the past. Don't further inflict damage by telling your boyfriend in order to relieve your regret.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 September 2014): Can you imagine getting married to your bf? All the while knowing you snagged his father and carrying the burden of the guilt and the lie?
Personally I'd break up with him because I can't be that 2 faced. And to be fair your boyfriend would be crushed if he knew so you staying with him but keeping quiet would be awful.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 September 2014): This is your karma. It has caught-up with you. You knowingly and willingly carried on an affair with a married-man.
You callously took a woman's husband, used him; then disposed of him. Now he's scornful of you; as if it was all your doing. He's a lying cheat. You now have to face the family you participated in betraying. Sitting at their table and pretending all is well and good.
You've reaped what you've sown; and now the love you've found is in jeopardy. What if his dad decides to go out of his way to sabotage your relationship? He has a lot to lose. Although it is all behind you, you can't deny a shady past. You've come a long way to change.
There is nothing positive to come from telling his son and ruining his relationship with his father. There is nothing to gain by hurting his mother; who isn't at fault for her husband's transgressions and betrayal; not only of her, but his whole family.
The entire scenario is eating your insides. If you think you can live it down, go for it. If it is more than you can carry around inside your head; it may be best to let it go.
Honestly, for the good of all involved. I think you should cut all ties, and continue moving forward. This is a dead-end. The repercussions are far more disastrous than you can imagine.
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A
female
reader, Ciar +, writes (7 September 2014):
 I'm sure I'll be slammed for saying this but I don't think you should breathe a word of the affair to another living soul so long as you live. NO ONE.
And honestly, I'm not sure I would continue seeing your guy friend, but that's entirely up to you.
As far as the affair goes....I would erase it from my memory.
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