A
female
age
,
*nemoretime
writes:30 years ago I was dating a guy who was a male version of me. Stubborn. Determined. Intense. He was my first love and I’d never loved anyone so deeply. I have never been a jealous person but I wanted him all to myself. We’d argue because he hated to act like he loved me but I knew he was head over heels. Once he took busses and the subway to come to me (his car was in the shop) he got robbed along the way and still kept coming so we could sleep in each other’s arms. He understood me in ways no man has ever understood since. But we were so YOUNG! This was a forever kind of love, we were missing classes just to be together, we had so much growing up to do! We got in an argument one day and I suggested the friend zone. And we split.We talked regularly after that but never about rekindling. Sometimes he would visit me at my job and damn I’d misss him and I could tell he missed me but he wouldn’t say anything and neither would I. (Both too stubborn) I found out later he’d nearly flunked out and had been depressed and talked about me to every woman he’d dated. Then he met a woman and decided to get married. Her name was the same as mine! He sat outside my house the night before his wedding deciding whether or not to knock. He sat there for hours and in the end— didn’t knock. I asked him later why— he said he wanted me to stop him.We have both been married for decades and we’ve always been platonically in touch about kids, jobs, everyday stuff. Nothing romantic. Then one day all that changed. I said something like you’re still stubborn as hell and we would’ve never made it together. I was kidding. He got really serious and quiet and said that’s not true I have always loved you. It was like a switch flipped. I’d always loved him too. Through all these years. I hadn’t seen him in thirty years. He begged me to do lunch. I said no for months. Then I gave in. When we saw each other it was like we’d never been apart. We KNOW we screwed up things 30 years ago. We finally had the conversation we should’ve had decades ago. We are still completely in love. It’s been almost three years since that turning point. Nothing has changed. There is no talk of leaving our spouses, there is no jealousy anymore we are just content to be in constant touch, to be in each other’s lives again, once in a while we do get together to make love, but often just to have a meal and sit and talk.My friend thought he was just up to something, or trying for sex, and she hated him for it but now that it’s been so long she realizes that this is truly just love. I really pray we can just quietly stay in each other’s lives until one of us passes away. We should have given us a chance to make it work all those years ago. Has anyone been through this? What can we do to maintain this relationship? Am I fooling myself to think that we can hold this relationship together long term?
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depressed, jealous, wedding Reply to this Question
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (28 February 2018):
 I didn't say you where a bad person or man, I just meant a selfish one. If you can live with your lie then that is your choice. I know personally I could never live with the guilt. It would eat me up inside.
A
female
reader, Onemoretime +, writes (27 February 2018):
Onemoretime is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAunt honesty who lies in bed thinking about their KIDS in the middle of having sex? No matter who you are with. Well, maybe someone does— but I certainly don’t.
I guess everyone is selfish to a point. Nobody is perfect. Neither am I.
I’m still looking for a way to get through this besides the very simplistic idea that I should blow up my whole household because I’m a bad mom and a bad person according to you. My ‘crime’ is loving two people. I do love them both. I know there is a lot worse in this world.
What I’m thinking is try to back this back to strictly friendship until it’s time for that conversation. I REALLY wish I could talk with someone that’s been through this. I don’t expect other people to understand.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty +, writes (27 February 2018):
Your husband deserves the truth, you promised to be faithful to him and you have broke that promise. The very least you can do is stop making excuses and let him decide his future. It is not simple to tell him. Of course not, it will more than likely break his heart and loose trust in humanity, but you need to realize the hurt you are causing. Stop being so selfish.
As a Mom no you shouldn't doom there chances of college, but you have betrayed there father and am sure if they found out the truth they would be disgusted at you for bringing so much hurt and pain to there family. Did you think of your children when you where lying in bed with another man? If you worked towards giving them a good upbringing then you should never have began an affair with another man. You say its not a big deal in other households but some parents don't have a chance to send there children to college they might not be able to afford it but they do there darn best to be a good mother and wife.
You say you are having difficulty yet where is your remorse for your children and your husband? Why do people always feel sorry for themselves when they have the affair? It should never matter how much he meant to you in the past, you agreed to marry your husband, you made vows. You are meant to look to the future not the past. You never cheated? Well you have now so it is who you are now, it is your character now, and you should do the decent thing and be honest to your poor husband and children.
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A
female
reader, Onemoretime +, writes (27 February 2018):
Onemoretime is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you Honeypie. I hear you. In reality though, it’s not as simple as you make it sound. Just tell them— simple. As a mom do I doom my kids chances to go to college, same thing in the other household? Something we’ve worked toward since they were born? That’s not happening. Maybe that’s no big deal in other households— and I’m not judging them— but that’s not happening in ours. We’ll cross that bridge once we come to it. I understand that you can’t relate to the position I’m in. I am having real difficulty dealing with it. It took me two years to wrap my mind around this. So if no one in your past meant that much to you, you just can’t relate. I wouldn’t have any need or desire to ‘catch up’ with anyone else from my past. That would be very easy and like you said just have one conversation and done. I have never cheated in my life, never considered cheating, never been promiscuous, this is way outside my character. Maybe if I had, it would be easier to just kick one to the side for the other. No idea why this is listed under depressed, jealous and wedding. None of those apply. Confused, torn, definitely.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (27 February 2018):
 How about asking your husband what he thinks?
Seems like the spouses are just not part of the "plan" any more but neither of you are willing to take the risk to move it past an affair.
I can't tell you what to do, your CONSCIENCE should be your guide... though so far... it seems to have taken a wrong path.
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A
female
reader, Onemoretime +, writes (26 February 2018):
Onemoretime is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI might have hit send too soon.
Since never speaking to him again is not an option, what to do?
This would be giving up on a person who has loved me unconditionally for decades. I broke this man’s heart and he loved me anyway. How do you just turn your back on that?
I’m not a flighty person, or a fickle person. I know this would never have happened with anyone else. Now that I’m in the situation I can’t see my way out. At a point his wife found out and he couldn’t promise her that we would never be in touch again.
Maybe we should just try to do without the ‘with benefits’ part?
I wonder if that’s even possible after having crossed that line already.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (26 February 2018):
Yet you are still trying to justify being unfaithful to your husband and him on his wife.
I think you BOTH need to decide WHAT you actually want.
Does it mean that because you have a lot of things in common that it would work out? No. It might, it might not.
Like you mentioned you are both very stubborn and that can be very unhelpful in a relationship (I know this because my husband and I are BOTH very stubborn).
You say you don't want to ruin his wife's life - BUT YOU ARE! And so is he! She just doesn't KNOW about it yet!
You think she (and your husband) won't be hurt WHEN they find out?
You are so focused on the past, a fantasy with this guy that you are totally sabotaging your marriage.
For a few minutes, think about this, HOW WOULD you feel if your husband had rekindled some high school crush/love and was sneaking around behind your back?
Would you think YOUR behavior is OK, if YOU were him?
Do you really think you can continue this "thing" with the blast from the past and still have a working marriage?
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A
female
reader, Onemoretime +, writes (26 February 2018):
Onemoretime is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks Honeypie. That’s just the thing we aren’t strangers. We were enthusiasts of a specific kind of car when we were together and over the years switched to another kind and 30 years later met each other with the make and same color car. We didn’t drink at all (probably the only college students who didn’t) We still don’t. Our personalities are still the same, just mellowed and more patient with age and maturity. Even our kids are very similar. Both are elite athletes and our lives revolve around their schedules so we ‘get’ that commitment. My relatives know him (but they don’t know the connection) we live in separate states so that is ridiculously unlikely. It’s like we have been living the same life in different houses. I feel like we messed up what was supposed to be years ago. This was no ‘puppy love’ I knew that then and that’s what scared the crap out of me. We were to young for forever— or so I thought. All these years he’s been feeling the same way but neither of us ever saying it. Just as a friend his presence is one of the most important I’ve had in my life. He has cared for me emotionally in ways that no one else in my life ever has when I was at some of my lowest points. (My parents were never supportive other than financially) I was floundering in college without adults to guide me— he was there and did his best to protect me. Same thing now for personal reasons. He’s there to talk me through. He gets me. I get him. On some level that has nothing to do with the time that’s passed. I would never want him to leave his wife, I have no desire to destroy his family. I know without discussion he feels the same way about my family and what we’ve worked hard to build. WE messed up all those years ago, it’s not our spouses fault. And we love them too. How do you turn your back on someone you love so deeply? Either one ?I know puppy love. I’ve had puppy love. This was never puppy love. I could shake that without a look back.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (26 February 2018):
I haven't been in this situation but I do think you are both fooling yourselves a bit here. You have both (hopefully) grown a LOT in 30 years. You are 2 STRANGERS who knew each other a LONG time ago. Doesn't mean that the "puppy-love" you had back then will work now. Which is probably why it hasn't gone past a "FWB-affair".
He might not HAVE the qualities you REALLY want and vice verse. And I DO think this is more "fantasy" for the both of you because? you are both bored and unhappy in your marriages so this "blast from the past" gets the pulse up.
And let's not forget the spouses.
I think you BOTH making excuses to keep each other around in this "FWB-affair" - is your husband OK with you (pardon my English) FUCKING around? Is his wife?
If not, WHY on Earth do you think this is OK?
It's selfish and somewhat escapism (which I can actually understand ) but it's NOT realistic. Is it?
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A
female
reader, Onemoretime +, writes (25 February 2018):
Onemoretime is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI had to re read what I wrote. I did not write that it was a perfect situation. It’s a terrible situation that I didn’t expect to be in. I understand that unless you’ve been in this situation— not a random one night stand, or some boredom lust situation — but someone you loved deeply that comes back in your life. You probably cannot understand. That’s why I asked for someone who’s been in this situation.
It would be helpful if I knew how they resolved it. Also if they walked away did they regret it later in life?
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A
male
reader, Billy Bathgate +, writes (24 February 2018):
It sounds like you two deserve one another. So what is the problem? If everything is so perfect why are you writing here looking for validation for your betrayal of your spouse?
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