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female
age
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anonymous
writes:I have posted about this before so some of you may be familiar with my story. Just need a bit more advice.I met a guy, he is a PT at my gym. Cutting a long story short. There seems to be an attraction due to the way he looked at me. I did not like him at first as he never smiled. One day I saw him smile and he looked so handsome. I I used this to break the ice and told him how handsome he looked when he smiles. Due to my shift work I was not in for 5 days. On my return he was really happy to see me then we exchanged numbers.He offered me a free training session and I have since done it. The way we both kept staring at each other was awkward but I feel some chemistry.. I had a feeling I was older than him. He is 45 and I am 53. I have been told I look 40. I do try to look after myself.I have had little chats with him about him home. His past work. He is highly educated like me. His birthday was just recent and just 3 days after mine. From what I gathered, he appears a little lost. He is Spanish and been in the UK for a year. He said he's not sure what he wants to do just trying to make some money at the moment. I m quite settled and have my own money.I hinted we must chat over a coffee one day and he agreed hinted in the cafe. Would have not arranged a date. I feel he is holding back because when we meet it's his place if work . However I do feel he us a little shy. I told him the other day not to be shy and touched him on the hand .I ve been on my own for over a year and really want someone as a mate to talk to. He seems everything - intelligent, sexy and sensitive. He was really surprised when I told him I use to teach!I do not want to come across like a desperate older woman. I not sure if he knows how old I am or if he has had access to my files. I would like him to make the next move. He is frustrating me. I have done some Facebook checking and his profile states single. He has yet to find out about my domestic situation.What do you suggest? Back off and let him come to me or push and tell him how I feel. I have already said I would like to know more about him.Any advice welcome.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 September 2016): Thank you again for you'd comments. Thank you Wiseold E for your in depth comments. Lots to think about.
A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (29 September 2016):
 I have read your other posts, and I hate to say this but I think this guy is just being friendly with you. Off course I could be wrong, but he should have jumped at the chance to go for coffee and set a time and date, but he seems very reserved. You are spending to much time thinking about him, either you forget about him and get another PT or else you rip the band aid off and ask him out on a date.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 September 2016): First-off, age difference isn't that significant anymore; if not totally irrelevant. So getting that out of the way, we must look at the amount of enthusiasm the guy shows in getting to know you aside from his professional relationship with you. Sounds pretty tepid from your description. That's the tricky part. Of course, everyone is going to say go for it. I would expect other women to tell you to do that, they're cheering you on. Now here's a male's perspective.
I'm going to consider the comment you made regarding the fact you feel frustration. That means he's neutral. You've broken the ice, given him an opening, and you've patiently awaited his follow-up and response. Yet he's holding back. This could be for professional reasons. His employer may frown on fraternization with clients. It may also draw attention if he appears to be hitting on you; and sometimes patrons will report what they see, if only out of jealousy. He may also be showing his respect and awaiting the proper place and time. These are all maybe's! Pure speculation. Only he knows for sure what's going on in his head.
Err to caution. There is always the possibility he is only being nice; so don't get your hopes up. It is time to set a date and time for that coffee date. He hasn't made that move, so it's up to you. It leaves him wiggle-room to say you asked him, and he made no inappropriate advances. Nor can he be accused of doing so. Some people are spiteful if rejected. He has to protect his skin and his job.
Do not express any feelings, or you leave yourself open to manipulation or exploitation. Asking for a coffee date is enough. Offer no financial enticements or make references to your income. You don't need to bribe someone to like you, and you're not looking for a boy-toy. Yes, you make spring for the coffee date; or split it down the middle.
Dismiss your desire to have a mate. Put that far in the back of your mind. So you'll be sober enough to read his behavior and manage your self-control. It will guard your feelings and let him know he's not empowered over your emotions just because you are attracted to him. He has already reached the conclusion you are.
Use the same rules of attraction you'd use for any other man. Do not let his age or looks fog your judgment. Think in small steps. Not in terms of snagging a boyfriend. That's where women often make their mistake. Thinking far ahead of the process. There is the stage of introduction, breaking the ice, feeling-out if there is a mutual attraction/chemistry, arranging a date or meeting, getting to know each other in-depth; and then when attraction has been established, the consideration if another more romantic encounter is likely.
Put-off sex as long as possible, until an actual love-connection is made. Don't use it as bait; as so many do, then regret it. Also leave him room to pursue. I don't mean playing a silly childish game of "hard to get." I mean project a relaxed nonchalance to show you're not over-impressed or desperate. Your personality should let any man know you have enough confidence as a woman to know, if you don't attract him; you remain hot, desirable, and in control all the same. There are other fish in the sea.
As others and I have mentioned; he may only be a very polite guy, and flattered that you find him attractive. So as far as "feelings;" there should be none until you have some clear and positive feedback from him.
You need justification to pursue your attraction to him. If a guy doesn't make a move after he's given an opening, it usually means he has no romantic-interest; but he still likes you. Just because a guy finds you attractive, doesn't mean he wants you for his girlfriend. Hard to accept, but it's a fact. That makes you no less attractive, and don't you dare blame your age. That's too easy and convenient, but not always the case. So what if it is? He's a tear-drop in an ocean of men, my dear lady!
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reader, mystiquek  +, writes (29 September 2016):
 You know what they say..nothing ventured, nothing gained! What is the worst that will happen? He won't be interested? It might be a little awkward for awhile if that should happen, but at least you would know. So honey..go for it!
I just turned 55, people think I'm in my early 30's. My husband is 6 years younger than me and people think HE is the older one..so don't let the age stop you. My husband and I like all the same things and have far more in common than I did with my ex who was 10 years my senior.
Good luck!!! Age is a number, and if you don't mind..it don't matter...
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female
reader, singinbluebird +, writes (29 September 2016):
 Let him pursue you. Age doesnt matter in some sense but if you both are equals in attraction, personality, wealth and etc, you shouldnt worry about age. However, sometimes men use older women solely for sex and not something serious. To wean these guys let him pursue you! And touching his hand for comfort sounds motherly. You're a beautiful woman Im sure, but any man who wants you will want to comfort you and hold your hand, not the other way around.
Let him call, text, pursue you and ask for commitment. Thats the only way you can garner that his attention is sincere and focus on long term. Good luck
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 September 2016): Thanks for your response 'very confused'. I'm baffled as to why he gave me his number. His initial whatapp message read " It's ......... This is my number. We will talk."
I think I should just ask him outright so as to stop wasting time. I'm thinking about him far too much. I communicated with him once about a training session. I said it would be nice to get to know more about him. He messages back and told me it was his birthday the day before.
Mahouts I just cut to the point and ask blunt questions?
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (29 September 2016):
 The age difference is nothing. My husband is 43 I am 56... no difference other than musical taste but that's not really an age thing all that much as I have friends in their 30s who like the same music I do.
IF he was older than you or the same age what would you do?
IF age is the only thing holding you back then go for it.
However be aware that his JOB is to be nice to clients and it may be nothing more than that for him.
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