A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My fiance broke off our engagement on NYE after spending that evening with me on a date. Prior to this we had been arguing for about a week about some personal problems he was going through and his need to seek some professional help. He decided on NYE (of all times) that he wanted to break up so that he could get this help. He's been suffering from depression for a couple of months now and I haven't been able to help him. He goes through periods of time with minor depression, but it has recently spiraled out of control.He wants to be alone when going through treatment, but it's taking a toll on me. He wants to be "friends" until a possible future time when he's healthy and ready for a relationship again. I just don't think I can do that. Not only is it difficult for me to just act like a friend, but I'm worried that he will only continue to have these problems in the future and things will go back to the way they are now. Should I remain friends and perhaps accept him back in the future? Or should I go with my brain and say that we're officially over? We love each other more than anything else, and we had been together for a few years.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 January 2009): I was the original poster (who didn't create an account). Pastfirst, I have suffered from depression in the past, so you don't have to answer as if I don't understand what he is going through. No, I wouldn't leave him if he were physically ill. I have had to go through several times when he was physically ill and helped him get better. I wanted to be by his side for this. He has pushed me away and wants to go through it alone, but to be able to call me occasionally as a "friend." I don't know if that is a workable situation. This is also different because his family has a history of depression which tore them all apart despite countless doctors, therapy, medication, and times they sat down to work it out.
I worry that something similar, but much worse, will happen in the future when we might be married and have children in the picture. I do love him and have no desire to be with anyone else, but I will leave if it is better in the long run. I just wanted advice about how to deal with the friendship aspect because it hurts me too much to pretend that we are only that to each other. I'm not really leaving him anyway, since he had asked to break off the engagement.
A
female
reader, pastfirst +, writes (4 January 2009):
 I agree with most of the answers.
If you really love him, help him as a friend. If you find the idea of marrying him unacceptable at the moment, perhaps you could remain friends in the future.
Depression is an illness like any other. If he was physically ill, would you leave him?
You contradict yourself a few times in your letter. Do you love him or do you want to lave him?
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A
male
reader, lowfunk99 +, writes (3 January 2009):
I have been on both sides of this. I suffer from depression. When you are in the pit of dispare it seems like there is no way out. Sometimes you want to feel better in the worst way and do not know what to do. My girlfriend has been sick for 3 months. She wants to feel better. Sometimes I feel neglected and alone. However, I know she did not choose to be sick. Remember that love is limitless.
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A
female
reader, Emilysanswers  +, writes (3 January 2009):
Well if you love him then you should try to stay with him. It'll be hard but I think you'll be more than friends in a lot of ways so it should be doable.
If you think that this is just a sign of things to come and that you can't handle it, or take the risk he'll be like this forever, (and do you want to bring up kids with a guy who can get like this??) then you should end it and start trying to move on. It will be hard and horrible and a bit of a kick when he's down but sometimes you have to do what's best for yourself.
My personal gut feeling on this is to stay for now, see how things go but keep an open mind that this is going to make or break you and you still have the option of getting out.
Good Luck!! xx
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A
female
reader, Priyalee +, writes (3 January 2009):
If you love him more than anything as you state you do then you will help him through this difficult time by being the friend he is asking you to be. But you don't have to wait for him. Be his friend but don't put your life on hold. If you are both in the right place to be together in the future then that is great but if you have moved on and only want to maintain your friendship then that is good too.
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