A
female
age
36-40,
*Mich
writes:I have been dating this guy for the past six months and we got really close and he was the best guy I have ever dated. I have a bad past with men and it takes time to trust them, but with him it was different almost right away I felt comfortable with him and close to him and he treated me well. Last week he told me out of the blue he had been away for two weeks so I haven't seen him much lately and he started back at work after being laid off so I have been seeing him only two days a week lately but still talk at least once a week. From the beinging of the relationship he was the one chasing me, I wasn't really ready for anything serious and neither was he but he says that he had noticed me several times before he asked me out. He was the one calling me a lot and making moves and everything and then all of a sudden he wanted to be done. He says he needs to get some stuff out of him before he can be in a relationship with me because im not the type of girl you just date, im the girl he could see himself marrying. So basically he needs to sleep around for a little while and then see where that goes and if we can get back together later on. Two days later I ran into him at a bar and he was making out with some new girl in the parking lot already. I really care about him and like him a lot I dont want to loose him and I do want him back but he cant just break up with me to sleep around and then get me back. Im not attracted to any other guys I just want to be with him and it hurts me so much that he is just done. We had a good relationship and the sex was good and often so I know it wasn't about the I just dont understand why he would do this, is this something he needs to get out of his system really do guys need to sleep around see whats out there, we are both 22. I just dont know I cant imagine being with anyone else right now so I dont see how he can and do I take him back after or is that wrong of me to do? We never even were boyfriend and girlfriend because he didnt want to be in a serious relationship and is afraid of commitment so I knew we werent serious I just thought with time he would change his mind. I dont know what to do now, I will still run into him sometimes and should I still go out with my friends knowing I will probably see him or shoud I try not to run into him and make him wonder what im doing?
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male
reader, OlderBrother +, writes (25 September 2008):
No.
This guy Does Not Love you! Dummy! He was just sleeping with you! He told you the right words and seemed charming at first but could not hold off his true intentions forever. He suckered you like others in your past. Like the one he was working in the parking lot. Your intentions were true but his were not. He comes off as a nice guy but is really not. At least with respect to deceiving women to get what he wants(sex). He most likely learned that you have slept with other people too(or some other reason like he really truely doesn't like you THAT much) and quickly put you into the non-future mother of my children catagory(I know,his logic sucks). He wanted sex from you and is well versed at being the nice guy and playing Mr. Sincere to get it. Do you actually think you're the first one to fall for his bullshit! Trust me, if he loved YOU, he would be with you. Not sucking face with some other victim drawn to his act in a parking lot. He has done the same exact thing many times, i'm sure. He told you, you were the type he would marry just to exit stage left, as, again, the nice guy. He is actually a coward and a fraud. Instead of just telling you, hey i'm not really interested in you long term he took the easy way out of a phyical(to him)relationship you willing gave. Look into his past to predict his future behavior. I suspect you never had a chance to one day be his wife. You gave him sex and he took it. Next time, when you think you've met Mr. Right, try not sleeping with him....Mr. Right Now will leave quickly. A good guy that loves you will wait a really, really long time to be with you if he thinks you're the one. And respect you for it! As if this punk didn't know he didn't want to be in a relationship WITH YOU before he lead you on and bedded you. What kind of a guy HAS to sleep around even though he's just met a great girl he could see marrying. Who wants some scumbag that's been with who knows how many whores anyway? And just as a side note, guys don't want to marry women they perceive as easy or been around. Remember, most guys are pigs when it comes to sex. It's how guys are raised in this society. You were used, faked out and side stepped by a pig! Don't let it happen again. And I hope I was not too harsh but I think you need to do a little reading. I wish you all the best.
Brian
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 August 2008): Hi there. I know what you feel from a past personal experience almost exactly like this so I'm going to offer some input.
Contrary to what it looks like objectively, I do believe that this is actually a very mature decision on his part given what other options he could have taken. For instance, he could have keep stringing you along without a commitment and still kept seeing other people since he'd technically still be single; he could have promised you that he'd come back to you after it all and asked you to wait for him; etc. These are things he could have done if he were selfish and did not truly see a healthy future with you. Instead! he told you as specifically as possible what his needs are, what he intends to do about it, and why he could not give you what you needed along with his hopes for the future.
It must be mentioned that for any long term relationship to succeed, which is your goal, you of course need trust and communication. These are the things I believe that you can build with him even while uncommitted, if you handle this situation carefully. The exact way to do it is up to you.
First - If you find that seeing him with other women pains you too much - actively avoid going to those places that you know he might be. If you want, you can kindly (very important not to sound like you are demanding!) ask him to be more discreet with who he is with if he knows you can see it or run into him. This might all sound strange to ask since you are not in a "committed" relationship, but I assure you that if he truly cares about you the way he says he does, your kindly asking him that will not be unreasonable or burdensome.
Second - if you are the kind of person who really cannot, or would prefer not to have such an ambiguous friendship/relationship with someone who you want a future with, you can suggest to him that you need your own time away too - completely. Like, limited to no contact. If he cares about you then he would not only respect that, but would still come back to you if he meant what he said. (and so long as you didn't do it angrily or coldly)
Finally, it will be painful either way you handle this situation but you have to balance your own needs with the needs he has already made clear to you. Even if you can't imagine being with anyone but him, spend time with other people even just for the sake of peace of mind. (if you are afraid he will get mixed messages from your seeing other ppl also, be discreet about it yourself).
Ultimately, only you know how genuine his feelings are for you - no amount of explanation could clarify to an outsider looking into your relationship what connection you two share. That said, if you trust that he cares for you (I'm assuming you have abstained from the L word thus far) and that he has yours and his best interest in mind, then you have to be brave and take a stand for yourself in a dignified but loving way. He will respect you for it.
When I went through this, what made him fall in love with me was the fact that I constantly communicated to him that I cared for him very deeply, but also that I did not need him. That I could find my own happiness without him, but that he made me especially happy. And finally, that I was going to also see other people (did not share details, ever), but I would prefer to be with him. He and I made a lot of efforts to have space from each other because it was so emotionally volatile throughout this whole thing, but in the end it made us so strong because we were always honest and trusting even without having a formal commitment.
It is up to you how much you can bear, but my advice is to find your own balance between how much you are emotionally able to withstand of this situation, and how understanding and actively supportive you want to be to him. And above all - be honest but not nagging.
As a side note: I believe his request to you sounds like an uncommon thing because it is rare for a guy to 1) meet a girl he wants to marry when he's so young while at the same time being 2) mature enough to realize that he has some unmet dreams to fulfill before he can be a good boyfriend.
goodluck!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 July 2008): This guy has moved on, when he is making out with women at bars, and telling you that he has to do this because you are the kind of girl he would marry, so he isn't ready so he is going to screw a bunch of other girls and then come back to you, and you settled for that.
He isn't seeing your value as a person....and quite frankly I don't see what you see in him....I commend him for being honest, but I hate that he put this in the perspective of it is all about sex, he needs to experiment and he has had you, now he is bored and wants to try on some other girls.
The real issue is that this boy is not marriage minded, he wants to be single and he isn't going to change his mind, and if he should for some odd reason want to settle down, I hope he will be too late and you will have found someone who can give you a commitment.
You settled for not being his girlfriend, you had sex with him without commitment, it lasted a few months, it has been dwindling down to just casual sex. If you want more, you need to look elsewhere because he isn't into you....and he won't be into anyone for very long, he is only thinking of himself.
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A
female
reader, notinthesane +, writes (21 July 2008):
 Wow. He sounds like a pig. I'm sorry to say that considering your feelings for him, but who the hell does he think he is? If he sees you as someone that he could spend his life with, then why throw you away to get with some dirty bar skank? It sounds like this guy is bad news. You deserve better.
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