A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hey, I need help to figure out if my hopes of how my bf should act now that I'm pregnant are fair and realistic or not?I'm 19 weeks pregnant now, and we've been together 21 months. He had been wanting us to start a family for several months, and tbh was more excited and happy than me when we found out about the baby.Since 6 months, he's been asking me to move in with him, which, in the last few months I've said yes to. He was pleased, but I'm the one who's putting in all the effort to find properties, ring agents, etc etc. :( We don't live together and both work full-time, so see each other maybe 3 times per week. He has always been the kind of person to talk about himself, and I don't know, I thought he might ask a little about me and the bump from time to time, but he really doesn't :( Don't get me wrong, I'm a pretty independent girl, and can look after myself, but it hurts to think he's not much interested in the bump. Plus, I'm the one buying all the baby stuff. He talks about it, has a list of what he wants us to buy, but doesn't actually pay for any of it :( I had it in my head that when you're pregnant, your man will look after you a little, like cooking you a meal, running you a bath from time to time, and will help make sure you and the bump feel loved and wanted, and would want to know how you and baby are doing. He is still pleased about the pregnancy and says he is looking forwards to being a Dad (says this spontaneously, without me asking), and that he loves me more than ever. But that's not the way I'm feeling :( Are my expectations off kilter? Do guys just carry on like normal when their woman is pregnant??Thanks.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (15 June 2012):
 I will never figure out how women think that having a baby with a man who they are not married to is a good idea… what’s worse for you dear is you don’t even live together… and yet here you are expecting him to change who he is just because you are pregnant.
Working full time is what adults do. I work 9 or 10 hour days and run a home too… when my partner and I both worked full time and did not live together we lived 2 hours apart and spent 3-4 nights together every week….
The fact that you refer to the baby as “the bump” seems a bit off putting to me… do you call YOUR baby “the bump” to him? Perhaps you two don’t really see this as a PERSON at this point more of “a bump” like a pimple???
He’s not doing anything to progress your living together.
He’s not contributing financially to this baby… what makes you think once the baby is born he will do so? Do you think that moving in together will fix what’s broken?
Why would he cook you a meal when you are pregnant vs when you are not… if he cares for YOU then he would take care of YOU regardless of if you are pregnant or not.
IF you had expectations that he would do things and you have not told him this, then you are as much at fault as he is. He’s not a mind reader.
MOST women who are pregnant and WITH the loving partner don’t have to worry about him attending to her because they are clearly in a committed day to day relationship… you seem to be more on the road to being a single mom….
You need to sit down with him and talk to him
a. Set a date for moving in together and find a place and do it. This is a stress you don’t need.
b. Sit down and discuss who pays for what
c. Does he go to the doctors visits with you? Why or why not
Sweetie I know you are happy and in love but I have a bad feeling about this…
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 June 2012): I think your bf is a pretty self-centered person so if you're expecting him to "look after you a little, like cooking you a meal, running you a bath from time to time, and will help make sure you and the bump feel loved and wanted, and would want to know how you and baby are doing" it's not going to happen with him.He wants to start a family and he's excited to become a father, but probably for selfish reasons. Those are his personal goals. maybe like many men to him having a family is a symbol of 'accomplishment' or validates his manhood, that's why he wants to acquire those things. Not necessarily because he actually wants to be involved in the actual process. I'm sorry but to me it sounds like he is just using you to achieve his personal goals.I think you should ask him to step up to the plate and put his money where his mouth is, stop waiting for him to spontaneously do those things you want him to do. If you want him to do the cooking, then ask him to do it. if you want him to run you a bath, then ask him to do it. No it's not the same as having someone show their thoughtfulness by doing it on their own, but he's just not that kind of person, it sounds like he's only looking out for himself. So you need to re-adjust your expectations. on the other hand, you should stop doing all the work that he had agreed to do. If he's not making the effort to find a place to move into despite saying that's what he wants, then you should stop doing that too. If he's not buying any baby stuff, then you should stop too (you still have plenty of time to get it if the time comes and he still hasn't and you ahve no choice but to do it yourself).
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