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female
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anonymous
writes: I broke up with my fiance 2 months ago. We hadn't talked for about 3 weeks and he texted me saying he wishes me well, saying I didn't have to respond. I texted back the same. Well yesterday he called me from an unknown number and I answered and he said that he thought it was okay for us to talk because I had responded to his text. Anyways, he said he was so sorry for how he treated (he was disrespectful, emotionally abusive and controlling) and said that he has been seeing a therapist. He knows now that you can't change a person, you can either accept who they are or not be with them. He was owning up to a lot. He is 34 and said he isn't staying in contact with his friends that are girls that are 13 and 16 anymore because he was doubting it was right because I made such a big deal about it. But then the girl's sister who is 22 (who is also his friend) called him and asked why he wasn't calling her sisters anymore because they were his friends. I feel like maybe I did make a big deal out of nothing and maybe he really was just someone they looked up to because they had a hard home life. And he said his parents had seen a difference in him. He said that I had the effect on someone to change them into wanting to be a better person. He also said he was flying out here the next day to go on a snowmobiling trip and stay with a friend for about a week and check up on his houses out here that he rents. He said he had a little more of my stuff and that he also wanted to give me a Christmas present. So I asked if we were now friends and he said he hoped that maybe we could be more than that after we talked. He said he still misses me and loves me and that that must be a sign because usually when he breaks up with girls he gets over it pretty fast. I said I missed him too but that it was only natural for anyone to because we spent so much time together and we had built dreams of a future together. Well, I have been trying to get over him for the past two months, and it really hasn't been easy. My friends and family warn me that he couldn't have changed that much in two months. He admitted that he is changing one day at a time. I just think it's good that he has insight into how he didn't treat me right and is getting professional help. Anyway, a part of me is so excited to see him and I really want it to work. But then, a part of me knows that he isn't a Christian like me and doesn't have the same morals-which led to our breakup in the first place. And I can't just magically turn him into a Christian because he has to do it because he wants to. That's why I broke up with him-because I knew I couldn't change certain things about him that didn't make me happy. I know now though that if I was to try to work something out with him I wouldn't give in to his manipulation and I would stick to my grounds of not having sex before marriage and not drinking and smoking just to make him happy. I feel like a much stronger person now. And I think that the breakup had to happen for him to change, at least just a little. I have hope that he can change into the person I always dreamed of. But I have to look at who he is today. And I know none of us will ever be perfect. But, do I go for it? Do I reconcile with him? Do I see him when he comes? He lives in New York and I live in Colorado, and even though he is buying more houses out here to rent, his job is in New York for now, and we agree that we moved in together too quickly, so how would we work out anyway? He said he would be out here for the month of January, but that is only one month. Anyway, I'm sticking to my beliefs about not moving in with anyone until I'm married. I'm really confused as to what to do, as I don't want to get hurt by him again. I have a hard time trusting him because of all he put me through. I'm afraid that he might just be nice at the beginning and then change into who he was before when he wins me over. What should I do? Do emotionally abusive people really change that much?
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broke up, christian, christmas, emotionally abusive, fiance, moved in, text Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Richard_EMids  +, writes (2 December 2007):
 In my opinion, moral compatability is crucial. This is worsened further by the christian difference. I just sense you two will always hit problems.
Take care
Richard
A
female
reader, bqagirl2692  +, writes (2 December 2007):
 I believe anyone can change if they truly wish to. This is something you have to open your eyes to see. Do you honestly believe he changed? Has he really proved to you that he has? I believe a person cannot change who they are so quickly. They can change but it does take time. Dont rush things with him. Sett certain boundaries and keep an eye on his behavior. Keep your beliefs and stick with it. If you dont want to move in with anyone unless you are married then dont let your guard down. Its good to move in with a person when you are married because you wouldnt want to rush things. couples who live together after they are married tend to last longer than couples who live together before they are married so make the riht choice. Good luck!
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A
male
reader, Dangly +, writes (2 December 2007):
why is he seeing girls age 13? are they his children? because thats a much large problem
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