A
female
age
30-35,
*hadow Rose
writes:Long story short, I found out my mom decided to tell my stepdad all my secrets, including the fact that I want to go on birth control, and the fact that my last shampoo gave me dandruff, and I didn't know until the lady cutting my hair said I need a different shampoo!I specifically told her NOT to tell ANYONE about these two things,and she went and did this! She kept saying "It's not like I blabbed it to everyone!" and "He's like a father anyways!"My REAL DAD doesn't know about either of those things! And when I told her it's like me telling my boyfriend some big secrets about HER, she said "That's your perogative". Am I right in being mad? Or do dads and stepdads really deserve access to any information about their daughters, regardless of the daughters feelings?If I'm right for being upset, what should I do to get her to understand that it's not ok? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (5 December 2011):
 I'm a mom. I'm a daughter. I'm a wife, I was a stepmom...
I'm a quasi step daughter.
My mother used to run interference for me with my dad... that's how he knew what was going on in my life.
I'm sorry you specifically asked your mom NOT to tell about the pill and the dandruff (not that either a huge deal in my opinion but I respect that to you they are right now the biggest things in your life) and she betrayed your trust... but that's often the way of families.
I am sorry your stepdad will tease you (of course you can say to him "I'm sorry I won't tolerate your teasing" and get up and leave the room and do that every time he starts and eventually he will stop.
but to be honest, I do think to some extent you are overreacting.
and Celtic Tiger is right, it's very important that if something happens to you and the EMTS ask "is she on any medications that folks who are responding have the right answer...
A
male
reader, JustHelpinAgain  +, writes (5 December 2011):
I would expect husbands and wives to usually tell each other everything, even when asked not to. What was dumb of your stepdad was to say something or let you know that he had been told, that was very uncool. On a sidenote, the pill is not the panacea we sometimes think it is. On the one hand it prevents pregnancy and reduces period pains, but on the other it reduces libido and fun, makes you gain weight easily, and also more likely to catch infections as you wont always bother to have a condom handy.
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A
female
reader, celtic_tiger  +, writes (5 December 2011):
 OP, I am going to address this on slightly different level to the others.
I know you are mad at your mother for telling your step dad about the dandruff and the pill but really, is it that big a deal? Honestly? These are TOTALLY normal things.
Practically, yes it is important for your step-dad to know you are on the Pill. The PILL is in itself a form of medication. Like any other medication, they can have side effects, and not every woman gets on well with the pill. It can take a couple of brands and trial and error before you find one that suits you. Side effects can include mood swings, depression, and a change in personality due to the hormones. It is polite to let the people you live with know you might suddenly turn into a crazed hormonal teenager. Seriously, been there, and it isnt fun. For him to be totally in the dark and you fly off the handle at him because the pill isnt agreeing with you could cause all sorts of issues and put strain on your relationship.
The pill is not like taking a sweet or a paracetamol, it can REALLY mess up your hormones if you do not get the right one for you.
Also, medically, say something bad should happen, your Mum is out and your step-Dad has to rush you to hospital and they ask "is she on any medication". He says NO (because he doesnt know you are on BC pills) and they have to give you some other life saving medicine which has a reaction to the pill? Causing you internal damage and possible overdosing? There is a reason why they ask about things like that. Mixing medicine can kill.
What happens then? Your step-dad gets the blame because he didn't know?
Birth control is part of life. If you are embarassed by it, then maybe you are still not mature enough to be using it or having sex.
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A
female
reader, Jd90 +, writes (5 December 2011):
Your mother is just trying to involve your step father in what is happening in your life and maybe she told your stepfather about birth control to get his opinion on the subject. Don't get mad at her for telling your step father she is probably only trying to involve him in your life
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female
reader, Shadow Rose +, writes (5 December 2011):
Shadow Rose is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thanks for the advice, everyone.
I'm just so mad my mom would betray my trust like that!
And yeah, there are health risks for the pill, but there are also health risks for living, too! So I' m gonna live till I die, and the pill will help tone down the agony.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (5 December 2011):
 IF your stepdad learning that you have had dandruff is the biggest problem in your life, then count your blessings... because, before it's all over you are CERTAIN to face far bigger and more-important questions/problems than that...
Good luck.....
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A
female
reader, kirra07 +, writes (5 December 2011):
With my significant other, I will generally tell him just about everything. If it is something sensitive, I will tell him to keep it to himself and not tell anyone else or say anything about it. If the person specifically specifies that they do not want my significant other to know, then I will respect that.
Your mom probably wants to share things with her husband, which is understandable. However, you are her daughter and she should respect that if you say you don't want your stepdad to know, she should not tell him. So next time you have something you don't want him to know, tell her that. Otherwise you should assume that there is a chance she will tell him.
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A
female
reader, Shadow Rose +, writes (5 December 2011):
Shadow Rose is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell, it's big to me because my stepdad is the kind of guy who teases people.
And with being on the pill, to me, it's a personal FEMININE choice, I dont ask my stepdad to go to the store and buy tampons, so why does he NEED to know?
I just like my personal secrets to say secrets, I mean REALLY, my mom didn't need a second opinion on dandruff, it was her having a funny secret and wanting to share it with her husband!
I'd understand if it was for my wellbeing, but my mom's just a blabbermouth.
I dont trust her anymore. And besides, I'm 18, I dont need her permission to go on the pill! I asked her for advice, and (unfortunately) a ride, since I'm saving up for a car still and she wont let me drive her car.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 December 2011): I feel she needs to respect your privacy and not tell anyone things about you if you request that. In regards to going on the pill, you might want to reconsider this as it can cause long term health problems such as digestive disorders and hormonal problems when taking over the long term.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 December 2011): You are right for being upset in a way but parents tell each other everything OP.
I think what C. Grant didn't mention in his post is that his partner probably tells him everything that's going on and he the same to her. I assume the only difference there is that if his partner tells him she was told in confidence then C.Grant will never let on that he knows about it.
OP you have to understand the thing about parents is they're not perfect and they always want what's best for you so they will always ask for a second opinion from the person they trust and know the best which is their partner.
The only mistake they made was letting you know this is the reality of the situation. OP you're old enough now and you must be wise enough to know how this works. I'm sure you have your own confidants that you confide things to in order to make sense of things and get a second opinion on what to do in certain circumstances. Your step dad has a vested interest in your well being so what harm is it him knowing these things?
It is okay OP, it really is. As long as it's only those two who know then there's no harm done. This isn't some embarrassing matter of a friend telling a boy you like him when you told her not to. Depending on how long he's been with your mom he probably knows more about you than you've even figured out about yourself.
For the record dandruff and going on the pill are not "big secrets" and certainly not considered such by your parents. They're not talking about pregnancy or you having an sti or something. Dandruff and going on the pill are nothing to be ashamed or embarrassed about.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 December 2011): In my opinion you're being a drama queen.
When you grow up more you'll probably understand.
But these are things that don't really matter and you're making a huge deal out of them.
Get on your mom's case for playing with your trust. But don't be upset over the small things. Also, your analogy is pretty bad. Your mom married this man. A boyfriend is much more insignificant compared to a husband.
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A
male
reader, C. Grant +, writes (5 December 2011):
 As a father I want to know that my daughters are healthy and safe. If at least one parent has all the information necessary for that, that's all that's important to me.
What's really dumb about what your mother did is that you're less likely to take her into your confidence. It's so hard to get kids to open up -- doing anything to discourage it is just not smart.
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