A
female
age
41-50,
*kday
writes:Hi everybody,I have never done this before so here goes..I have been married to my husband for 12 years. We have been together for 15 years. I ma 38 and he is 53. I love him so much and there's nothing I wouldn't do for him. I'm in school for RN and i make time for him as much as i can. He plays drums in a band and they are talking to Warner brothers to sign a record deal. I like women too and we have had a lot of fun and when He sees women he likes and he used to bring them home but but we both felt a bit of jealousy afterword. Since this we haven't had that. He says non of the women he's met are worthy of me. We both have put on weight and im not small like i used to be so i have my own self worth issues. He told me if i weighed 400lbs he will still love me. He sings to me though its been a while with all the things we have been doing.So here's the thing.. I have found condoms several times in course of our relationship in his wallet, and hidden in our truck. One time i found and empty condom wrapper in his pants pocket. When we first moved in together i found a used condom in the toilet. He told me he let his brother use the spare room and said he was sorry i found it. The one in his pants he said he found the wrapper on the ground and picked it up cause he didn't want me to see it. In the truck he hid about 12 unopened condoms and one opened wrapper under the back seat.Too many times i have found these. When I ask its either "i found them" or "i thought i got rid of them" or something like that.So if he is in love with me then why can't i shake the feeling he has been and maybe being unfaithful? He says he'll never forsake me. I am feeling so depressed and so hurt that i hide my body from him and myself. I feel like crying all the time and i wonder if he stays with me out of obligation. We have no kids together but we do have kids...all 18 and older from previous marriages. Why am i not enough? How can I loose the weight. I mean during a show he messed up because he got distracted by 2 girls. He has never done that with me. Am i doing something wrong? When he shows me love which is all the time i feel it but deep down how do i know it is because he really does?
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 August 2017): I think you know why you can't shake the feeling he's been unfaithful -- because you know he has been. To add insult to injury he thinks you're stupid enough to believe he "found" those condoms or he "thought he got rid of them". You're attending school to become an RN so I know you're a smart lady.
No, you probably aren't enough and no matter who your husband is with she won't be enough either. He's a cheater.
You're driving yourself crazy and this is lowering your self esteem. Separate from him and work on yourself. Lose a few pounds and continue your schooling. Make sure you are doing this for yourself not him. He's not worth the pain he's putting you through and you are worth more than that.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 August 2017): If you both have shared women in the past, the odds are highly in-favor of him cheating and flying solo.
Especially being a traveling-musician and already having a life-style that allowed other women in; and then having constant exposure to groupies.
Now you want a closed-marriage??? Be that the case, you should have made it clear you wanted nothing but a monogamous-marriage and threesomes were completely out. There should have been an ultimatum set; if you discovered the slightest evidence he was cheating.
The thing about swinging and open-relationships. Once you open that door; your mate/spouse will surely walk through it without you. The contract is broken and no rules apply.
Cheaters always say the right words. They butter you up to deflect your attention away from what they're up to. They don't want you to interrupt their fun.
Of course he will tell you what you want to hear. However; you have to confront him when you find incriminating evidence; and not pretend to be so gullible when you know he's lying. You feel partially to blame; because you let him talk you into the open-marriage. Monogamy was never his shtick. So he played you and betrayed you. You were taken by his charisma and blatant charm. He's talented. I feel you, sister! I fully understand how that goes. I've been there.
Yet, you never stopped snooping around for evidence. Always suspicious. You knew in your gut what he was up to. If you believed him, why did you continue looking for evidence; if you weren't going to do anything about it? You back-downed every-time you confronted him about what you found. You accepted his lame-excuses and flimsy explanations.
As usual, you (like too many women) fault yourself for his cheating behavior. He has always left you wondering if he was cheating, from the day you moved in with him. He carries condoms in his wallet. If he's not using them with you, why does he need them?
Your weight and body isn't the problem. His cheating is the problem.
If you lost the weight, things would still be the same; because he was likely cheating all along. Cheating men rarely change their spots. They either get more clever hiding it; or less concerned due to arrogance and disrespect. Their humongous egos justify their behavior; because narcissism tells them they're studs. There's enough to go around according to his way of thinking; and his sexual-prowess is his prestige among his male-friends, and in social-circles. He's the man!
Musicians are notorious for cheating; because the opportunity is always available. There isn't much reason to listen to their conscience. By the mere fact it's unlikely they'll get caught. They are often far from home; and they constantly meet people while on the road. He had permission to share women; which lessened his reason to be faithful to start with. He has had the cheating-bug throughout your relationship; so he never changed. You ignored the red-flags.
You've convinced yourself he's the sweetest man on earth; because he fills your head with sweet-talk. Yet his actions contradict what he says. Cheaters are smooth-talkers, and quite adept at lying and covering their tracks. He's 53, and he has had a lot of experience with women.
Then being given your permission to include other women on the side. Under the guise of sharing with you. It was win-win for him. No matter what people say who want threesomes or polygamy in their relationships; there is that inevitable twosome minus you. Someone among the random-selection will be a favorite, or the choice among others. Or, greed (or sexual-addiction) takes front-seat; and they become insatiable. They no longer see boundaries.
Well, if his signing-up for a record deal is your reason for staying; then stay put. The juicier the pot when you divorce him. I have a feeling he's going to be the one to want a divorce before you do. For now, you're drowning in guilt; and blaming yourself. You've allowed this to destroy your self-esteem. It was only the mistake of ignoring the warnings. Not you as a woman.
Nor is it because of your weight. It is because you made the error of allowing him an open-marriage, living in denial; and he got spoiled, having his cake and eating it too.
He now has a record deal to further inflate his ego and self-importance. Fasten your seat-belt, girlfriend; it's going to be a bumpy ride!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 August 2017): He does not want to lose you. You share a history together. He does care about you.But...He is bored of you sexually,he wants variety and an ego boost.Unfortunately for you, his being in a band doesn't help matters. He is always going to be surrounded by other women and he will always be like a kid in a candy store, deciding which ones to taste. Women will throw themselves at him and it looks like he has not been strong enough to resist them.In fact, he has had an appetite for side sex and side sex bimbos all along. The difference is you knew about it, accepted it and openly took part in the deception.Now, it seems he is doing it behind your back. Actually it's a half hearted attempt he's making to hide that he's fucking around on you. It is so obvious by all the condoms you keep finding. And he gives you some ridiculous explanations and brushes it all off like he thinks you are stupid, oblivious or should just accept what he is doing to you.It is clear as day he's cheating on you.You are trying to convince yourself he isn't because you love him and don't want to believe it. Because you don't want to lose him.But what kind of a man is he? He's lower than scum. Why would you want to stay with a man who is fucking around on you?He may see your weight gain as an issue. He may no longer find you as physically attractive as before and be seeking sex out with women he's attracted to physically.It's a double standard too cause you accept his weight gain and still want him. But men can be evil that way. Many men are be hung up on looks, age and weight issues. Even if they have a huge gut, it wouldn't be ok for their wife or GF to have one. Pretty hypocritical, I know. It's like they have the good, loyal, stable but over weight wife at home. But the hotter side chicks on the side to have sex with. They want the best of all worlds. And worst of all, they feel entitled to whatever they want, whenever they want it.He ain't gonna change sweetheart. In fact, the writing was on the wall all along. You knew the way he operated. Why would you put up with it? You set the standards for yourself by giving him permission.Now he thinks he can do whatever he wants.And he has zero respect for you. He didn't even try to hide it!He is an egotistical, self centered asshole!I would suggest you let him go. Then work on your own self esteem. Lose the weight. But for yourself. Nobody else. Focus on nurturing your own interests and becoming your own best friend again. It seems like you have lost yourself in this man. You have tied your self worth, identity, confidence and happiness to him. You don't need him for any of these things. He does not need to validate you or the fact you are worthy of love.You are miserable. He is the source of your misery. It's an easy answer. Cut off the source and you will be much happier. In time, you will find yourself again, the little girl you lost, the one who is still there and wants to be FREE.He has treated you like a doormat. He knows you feel bad about yourself due to your weight and he knows you cling to him for dear life.He is using your vulnerability and desperation to his full advantage.You need to make yourself strong again. Remember how you were before you met him. Once you realize that you don't need him and can have a good, happy life of your own, then you will kick his ass to the curb with the rest of the trash. He is a pig.You can do so much better.It does not matter if you've been with him 15 years or 15 days. Cheating and disrespect are deal breakers in a relationship. Period. The message you send him by staying and believing his bullshit stores about the condoms, is that he can cheat on you, think it's ok to cheat on you and you still won't leave him.I hope you see the light. This kind of a man is like a slow moving poison in your blood stream. He is killing you slowly.Don't you think you are worth more?
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