A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:i've been with my boyfriend for 4 years now. I love him to pieces, but for the past 2 years he's changed. He used to write me lovely letters and tell me im beautiful and how much he loves me etc. Now he just complains at me and does nice things when hes horny. He doesn't like kissing me anymore and doesn't make me feel overly loved. We argue a lot over stupid stuff and I feel like everything is just arguing all the time. I feel like he thinks i'm inferior to him and i don't need to be told nice things anymore or i'm not worth it or something. I love him to pieces and i dont know how i could be apart from him, but its heartbreaking he won't be the man i feel in love with. We have just finished up uni and i'm working full-time (and stay at home with parents). He is working part-time (and living in his own flat). His work gives him shifts every weekend without fail (and week day shifts) and i don't get to see him at all. I never have a day where i can be with him. I stay over for two nights a week, but it's usually 7pm when i get home and hes usually up early for work at 5am next morning and doesn't want to stay up late. i'm finding the relationship difficult since hes not being so loving and now having a lack of time to sort things. We had these troubles through uni, but we blamed it on stress with course work and said we'd sort it after uni and spend more time without stress and see what happens. I don't know what to do about it all now. I've spoken to him, but nothing changes.I know he cares about me and does love me, but he doesn't show it anymore (in the way i want). He used to. He says he doesn't need to tell me things because were together. He doesn't like instant messaging or texting or calling me when i'm not there. I don't know why, he just doesn't like it apparantly so i get no feedback from him when i'm not infront of him. Unless I text him first. Its a kinda catch 22, because it's not all him. We've had bumps with him not being nice to me and insensitive about my feelings on a certain issue which meant a hell of a lot to me, which was a big thing a while back and since then I didn't have the motivation to do extra nice things for him. He got grumpy and I got grumpier.Now the roles are:He does the cooking and cleaning in his house.I be all lovey dovy to him, which he doesn't like and doesn't want me hugging and kissing outside of sex.I want:Me doing cooking and cleaning and him being all lovey dovey and appreciating me and respecting me.I've tried just simply reversing my role and doing the cleaning etc, but he won't turn back and he'll fault something i've done and not try to say thanks and then i'm just all 'fine i won't do it again then!'.We keep having these problems. It can be ignored and I can just get on with him and be content, but not happy happy. but i get upset that i'm not getting the love and attention i want. Especially looking back at his old letters.I don't want to leave him, but what other options do i have? I'm happy enough with him, i love him so much i don't want to loose him. I'd rather this than not have him at all. I know relationships arn't the same after a while anyway, do all relationships go this stale? Do guys still be romantic and loving when they get married or years down the line? Might i as well stay with him if all relationships go this way eventually?Sorry it's long..
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female
reader, angelDlite +, writes (27 June 2011):
 you may have made the mistake of putting him on a pedestal. in all relationships i believe that one partner loves slightly more than the other. you have dropped into the role of being the more loving one. i suggest you pull back a bit, get a life outside of the relationship. make him put some WORK into impressing you coz at the moment he knows he doesn't have to! he knows he can behave in this disinterested way but that he has STILL GOT YOU so where's his motivation to behave differently??
back in the day when he was so nice to you it was because he was trying to woo and impress you. the only way to get it anywhere near back to that state is if you make him feel like he has got to try to again.
this will mean coming out of your comfort zone (if you can call this comfort!) and put your relationship to the test, be warned though, depending on his basic feelings for you, this could go either way - if you pull back and he does not move closer then at least you will have your answer, which in the long run must be surely better than living in this limbo you've found your self in
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