A
male
age
51-59,
*man
writes:Where to start? I want to ask this differently than others have. Have you had an affair and it worked out? I'm single and have never been married. I teach at a university and had an affair with a student, and it lasted long after class was over and she earned the A in class and not in bed. It lasted a year, until it got too stressful for her to juggle. We still talk, but we don't have sex. Sometimes she just shows up or just calls me. And each time I am reminded of how in love I am with her. I'm not exactly waiting for her to get a divorce, because there's nobody else out there for me right now. We are both forty. She's been married 11 years, has a daughter from another man and she's about to go to college. I think she's just waiting to finish her nursing degree so she can make better money so she can support her daughter through college and divorce her husband. That's me hoping anyway. I'm 99% sure she feels the same about me, but that 1% really bothers me. I'm worried she might cheat if she were with me. I'm worried it was just a fling to her. Yet, when I see her, I can see it in her eyes. Or maybe I'm just imagining it. Okay, I'm rambling, and what I want is hope, but statistics might do. I'm looking for women to answer this, so I can get a survey of how many affairs lead to marriages that worked or didn't work. Thanks in advance.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2011): I don't think I can answer for your specific situation. But I want to put my story out there, maybe as hope or just because I want to tell it.Four years ago I met a woman who I rented a room from. We quickly became friends and because I lived in her house, I gained a privleged glimpse into her life. Part of her life was her boyfriend, who I developed a small crush on though never once acted upon. I could see clearly their relationship was rocky, to put it mildly, but I was hardly one to judge.Eventually I met Jacob, the woman I lived with's boyfriend's brother. He was married, but the attraction was instant and mutual. We had a heated and very passionate affair. When the woman I lived with found out, she was furious but let me stay on the condition I end things. I didn't. But eventually, once I realized he would never leave his wife, I became upset and he broke it off with me out of fear I would tell his wife. I tried talking to friends, to the woman I lived with, to anybody. I was devestated, and still clinging to hope that he would take me back. At my most vulnerable I found msyelf sitting outside a bar at 3 am crying my eyes out wishing someone would just listen to me. I was sick of hearing that my feelings weren't real, and that I needed to move on. Out of frustration and embarassment, I left the house I'd been living in and stayed in distant contact with them. I felt like I'd lost everything: my family, most of my friends and my home. Which is why I turned to drinking and partying.That is when he found me, the woman I had once lived with's boyfriend, James. He sat down on the cold hard ground next to me, and let me cry. He told me it was ok to be sad, that I had been hurt. He told me about the other affairs his brother had been apart of, how badly he treated women. We sat there and then to his house and talked for a total of seven hours. I saw James often, nearly everyday. I was even a fairly regular babysitter for his son. We were friends, and in secret we were close friends. I moved back in with his girlfriend, once again renting her room, and when she would go to bed, the two of us would sit on the couch and talk until we fell asleep. We discovered how much we had in common, how connected we felt. One night we had a small party at the house, and slightly drunk, and the only two still awake, he and I slept together. The next morning we knew it couldn't happen again, but it did. It happened several times. We couldn't stay away from each other. Our friendship had developed into an affair, and we were both adamant that it would be an affair based on sex with no strings attached. This hurt me, just a tiny bit, but I was mostly ok with it.Then one night, as we lay on the phone after a session of "phone sex" because he was out of town, as he was falling asleep he murmured, "I love you" and everything changed. We didn't speak for a week. There was nothing to say. Our no strings attached romance and blissful friendship had turned into what we both feared: love. He'd always described his relationship with his girlfriend as "a type of love" mostly based on convenience and need. I supposed my relationships had been like that, either lust fueled or another need. I was a chronic "other woman" and in the relationship with the woman he was currently in he was a chronic cheater. Niether of us were good at commitment. We were both once divorced although mine only lasted 6 months vs his 3 years (I have to mention, neither of our marriages were complicated by affairs from either party). Yet, neither of us had ever been in love. We realized this once we both sat down like two adults and admitted it. I loved him, and he loved me, and not "in a way". Nope. This was the real deal. He took some time to end things with his girlfriend, and in the mean time we moved back to his home state to avoid some of the backlash from friends and family. We got married a year and a half ago, and we're expecting our first child together in February. We are open and communicative, but most of all honest. We're both horribly honest with each other because that's what kills marriages that spring from affairs-dishonesty. We have our problems, but I'd say we're the happiest couple we know. His relationship with his brother is a complication to put it mildly, but the most important part of any relationship is communication. We acknowledge that the way we got together was not the most moral, but now we are committed to having a healthy, honesty marriage and never cheating again. It was an uphill battle to establish trust for both of us, but it was well worth it. I love James. I wish I had said something sooner to him but the road we took matured us and made us stronger. You may never read this. But maybe someone will. Affairs are wrong. But sometimes, love sneaks up on us. It can't always be helped. Some can become healthy relationships, as long as the two people are open and honest. Best of luck.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 May 2010): I don't know what survey you are conducting but what I have realised from your update is this: you have absolutely no qualms about this affair and have no guilt about her husband. Mister it speaks voluymes of you and I think both you and your married lover deserve each other. Watch she doesn't bite you in the ass when you are not looking - losely translated: becarefyl she is a viper and you are just as bad.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 May 2010): My dad's first wife had an affair with another man and she is still with him now, and they have a daughter together. They have been together for about 36 years. My dad was only with her for 10 years in total, from when they dated/got married.
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A
male
reader, Fman +, writes (14 May 2010):
Fman is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the answers so far everybody. Let me add a few things. The daughter is hers from another relationship, and we've actually met, and she's 17 and off to college next year, so I don't foresee a problem, nor did my lover when we were seeing each other. Also, my lover and I have known each other two years now, one year seeing each other, one as "friends," which I'm not very good at, which I see as pure denial, and we didn't have sex until after about three weeks of deciding to start a relationship and we fell in love before we had sex. I am NOT married.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 May 2010): No, never. Relationships and marriages more importantly, are built on trust. Having an affair is a violation of one's trust and love for another too. I don't know if you're having an affair but if you are and you're married, I would suggest you end it because no one likes a cheater. Its a matter of respect also. For yourself and your significant other. And no marriage can thrive on disrespect and broken trust.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 May 2010): I had an affair with a co worker who was 17 yrs my senior(This was an emotional affair, no Intercourse)I fell madly in-love with him and he said he was In-love with me as well.(We were both married 15 yrs and 30 yrs)we were both very vulnarable at the time but I believe our love was real. Finances play a big part when it comes to leaving your spouse.There is always that thought in the back of your mind. What if this does not work? Will I be able to support my child on my own? Will she still find me attractive when i am old? Will he cheat on me? What if I am making a mistake leaving a husband/wife that loves me?There are so many questiona and no gaurantees. I think she is wise to wait untill she finishes Nursing school. Once she has an income and feels confidant that she can support her child with out the help of a man she will be able to make the best decsision for her. Needless to say we did not leave our spouses and they both accepted us back and wanted to work on our marriages.This does not mean that I stopped loving him and I hope that he still feels the same about me. Hope this gives you some insight from one woman in a similar situation.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 May 2010): What pisses me off is you brought up the fact she has a daughter like a passer by factor, not all that significant of an issue. Did you even consider the effect on her child? Probably not! You want this women and let her see this. Whether she has previous issues in her marriage prior to you, your enabling her to remain motivated to leave her marriage without working it out because she knows she has you in the end.Now back to the daughter. Lets say she does get a divorce, you start coming around- I promise you, that child will have serious resentment against her mother and you. You will permanently destroy a relationship. By you being so suddenly in the picture, her mum will be selfish and not even give her daughter time to adjust.I tell you this because that is my life. This is how I feel about my mother. Just saying... A life with this women will ultimately make you feel guilty and remorse for ruining these relationships and subconsciously making decisions leaving those that should be important feeling unimportant. Actions speak louder than words.
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male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (13 May 2010):
 When I read your post I put on my other glasses and I think I detected something. Maybe the woman is in love, and maybe she is indeed working to leave the husband, but that does not necessarily mean she will be with you if the circumstances are not right. I don't mean "right" as in "never having had an affair". I mean right as in "yes, we can make this work".
I think she had an affair because she is unhappy and needed love. But she needs to think about what she will do with her life. What if you're not the best for her? Maybe she likes you, finds you a great person, enjoys your company, yet... she doesn't quite see herself with you. This isn't about statistics. This is about whether you two can make it or not. Have you thought about what the daughter would think about your involvement with her?
I have the bad feeling that this isn't moving in your direction. You have to KNOW. Ask her whether you can realistically expect her to be with you, ever.
You sound like a good man. Good men need to take care of themselves or they get trampled.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 May 2010): People have affairs do somtimes go on to have very happy marriages, I know of 4 couples who met while they were married to other people 1 couple have been together 25 years.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 May 2010): i take it you are not married but your lover is?
she is married 11 years, using her husband in the meanwhile while she gets more financially fit then she will boot him out of her life. no wonder you are worried! it means that you are aware of her using people to her gain and then throwing them away like yesterdays garbage. that so called 1 % is your inner voice talking to you, it is saying : be careful. listen to this voice!!!!!!!!
regarding affairs: I did not have one but know close people who have so I think I too can provide you with some info: people (men and women) very rarely go on to have successful marriage with the person they had the affair with. second marriages are more prone to fail as well, imagine one borne from adultery, hardly stands a chance: why? that niggling feeling is always there. But do not despair totally some have had successful marriages but this is sooooooooo not the norm. Most times these affairs frizzle out because in the end there was nothing there. After being found out, after normacy (normal life) that illicit excitemenet just frizzles out and then it is back to square one.
The fact that you are questioning and the fact that you have serious doubts means that you do not trust her. Right?
My question to you: why are you putting your life on hold for her. she is bettering her life. continuing with her marriage and hb until she has no use for him ,she is not putting her life on hold for nothing. not even you! So be careful, be very careful that you were just a fling without any committment from her. I think you know this.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 May 2010): People who cheat can never be trusted. It's their own selfishness that allows them to do what ever they want. After being in a relationship with a cheater, I would never ever get into a real relationship with someone who's cheated. It's much to painful and you would never be able to completely trust that person ever again. I forgave my wife the first time she cheated and was promised it would never happen again only to find she never ended the affair. Cheaters are liars, they use any excuse they think they can use to justify their cheating. Once a cheat, always a cheat. Run away from this floozy.
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