A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:I am hitting rock bottom once again. After a brutal divorce, I am having a terrible time meeting a boyfriend, that is the right match for me,. I am sad as I try to do everything right. I take great care of myself, I am fit, have a great job and house, do not sleep around, yet , I find myself alone after all these years. I have many men telling me I am gorgeous etc..I recently met a man going through a divorce. He is at the tale end of it. We went to lunch, I approached the situation as friends, as I know what he is going through. He said he does not know what he is looking for at this point. I relpied why would you , you are going through such a hard time. I sent him a few flirty texts and indicated when he has his head sorted out to contact me. Today ,I get an email that he has met someone and is a one man women and cannot concentrate on both of us. I could just cry, as I am always trying to make the right decisions yet end up alone all of the time. I am never going to be in love again. I already tried not looking and that does not work.. I am destined for being alone
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 June 2010): I have been divorced for four years. I am a very positive person. It took me three weeks to get out on a date with this guy because my life is so full. I really do not think I give off vibes of desperation as I am so busy. I think it is plain bad luck!!!
A
female
reader, Spades  +, writes (22 June 2010):
 I think the problem is that you're always "trying". You said you "tried" not looking but that didn't work, maybe you should take a step back, take a deep breath and figure out what it is YOU want.
Going through a messy divorce is never fun and can take a lot of a person. But maybe you should think about YOU first, not anyone else.
Do things for yourself that make you happy. Go on a vacation, see old friends, etc. You are holding onto baggage and perspective boyfriends can see that.
People will feel good in your company when you are happy.
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A
female
reader, Lola1 +, writes (22 June 2010):
 I apologize that this will be a long response. There is a VERY COMMON theme here, and I am hoping to reach as many people with a similar dilemma as possible.
The most common advice, as you seem to know, is to 'stop looking'. You say you have tried that and it didn't work. Let's take a look as to why people suggest it, and maybe find an answer for you.
Firstly, the advice is usually not just ‘stop looking for love’, but also includes ‘stop looking for love, but be open to it if it finds you. Start investing in yourself and make yourself as happy and fulfilled as you can on your own.’ It’s pretty common knowledge that unless you can be happy on your own, you will not be happy with someone else. You are not yet happy on your own.
I have a friend who is a sad and lonely woman despite being beautiful, exotic (with her crazy, sexy accent which is a combination of Polish, Canadian and German), has a beautiful flat in a great city and employed in a great career with a number of travel benefits. She has lived in Dubai, Poland, Germany, Italy and Canada, speaks about four languages and is easily considered worldly, adventurous and exciting. She is a very intelligent woman with no children and, ordinarily one would think she is a great catch.
When I have advised that she ‘stop looking for love’, she tries her best to approach new dates from a casual perspective and tries to stop meeting men while out with friends or in the work place. However, she still WANTS to be in love and to get married and have children. I can tell you from experience that even when someone on a date with me does everything right and says everything right, I can still sense they want to be in love and that is a turn-off.
You took this man out and said all the right things and behaved in all the right ways, but he could tell what you really wanted. Right at the tail-end of a divorce, he may want to have something casual and light with no expectation to advance to the ‘next level’. The other woman may not want a commitment as badly as you do, making her a safer choice for a rebound love.
The fact that you ‘tried to stop looking for love’ and are now sad that it didn’t work, means you never stopped WANTING it.
I would even submit that convinced yourself you were not looking for love, but you were ACTIVELY WAITING for it to find you, which is not the same thing. If you are genuinely not looking for love, you would be filling your life with so many wonderful things that you would stop waiting for it to find you as well.
I was in your shoes before and a great person suggested I look at it a different way. Maybe this advice will help you as it did me. If God (or whatever kind of entity you need to use in this scenario that would have the authority to say this to you) came to you and said, “Don’t fret. You will find love in 5 years and you can bank on that,” how would you be spending that time?
Wouldn’t you just relax and stop worrying? Wouldn’t you be filling your life with great experiences and keeping yourself happy until it happened; wouldn’t you feel less lonely and learn to enjoy being single while you could? Live your life as though you’ve had this conversation and everything else WILL FALL INTO PLACE. When and if you find yourself saying “I tried this approach and it didn’t work,” you will know that you didn’t finish the job.
Good luck and hugs…
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (22 June 2010):
I think you need to slow down again and really look at the type of man you're attracted to. Men have told you that you're attractive. But then of all those men, you happened to pick the one who wasn't sure what he wanted and was going through a divorce. See what I mean? You're almost trying too hard to find a guy, and when you do find one you seem to be picking men that aren't suitable. You need to take a whole new approach towards this. Look at new hobbies, new places and such. You just seem to be picking the wrong men.
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (22 June 2010):
 You'll find someone, believe me you will. It can be difficult after a divorce. Have you thought about looking at online dating sites? They're getting really popular and a lot of couples are meeting on them.
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