A
female
age
30-35,
*ymy
writes:My parents split up about 4 years ago but only managed to settle their divorce last summer because there was so much argument and hatred over how money would be split (they ended up going to court over it and have ever since accused each other of wasting thousands in spends).The story is quite long winded but in a nut shell: my dad owned a company and sold it a few years back when he still lived with our family but was always in a bad mood, short tempered and angry particularly at my mum. He left in new year 2005 and reassured me that there was no third person involved because I asked this a lot. About half a year later we found out he had a girlfriend almost 20 years his junior and a 4 month old daughter. The girlfriend in question was his secretary and, as far as I can tell- she deliberately got pregnant because my dad had a lot of money. The divorce took so long because of this web of deceit and secrets, and basically as a result my parents hate each other- my mum because of what my dad did to our family (I had to go into counselling) and my dad because my mum was apparently unbearable to live with.Time has moved on and eased some of the pain however, I've met his girlfriend and although I feel I will never be able to befriend her because of what has happened to our family, I can see her and be civil when I am home from uni as she now lives with my dad (only about an hours drive from my home, my dad in his own way still loves my sister and I but does not realise that his attitude to my mum upsets her). It is impossible to reason with him emotionally- he is the epitomy of an arrogant alpha male.My question is- do you think a divorced couple can ever make amends like this? Both of them say they would like to but always accuse the other one of being impossible to reason with... What upset me recently was that my dad basically insinuated that I would have to make a choice between parents. For example, if I get married or when i graduate they won't both be able to be there because they will break out into an argument (every time they see each other they're shouting at each other)- I have spoken to them both millions of times but my dad needs the persuasion a lot more than my mum. Obviously they will never be a happy family, but I would like some reassurance that I can both count on them being there when I need them.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 January 2009): You can't be expected to choose between them because they are both your parents. You have to sit on the fence, but let them know that if pushed, you'll fall on the other side of it.
You have to ask yourself which one would be likely to start an argument, and exclude them from any future occasion if they can't promise to behave themselves. In any case, it takes two to have an argument, so you could let them both know that neither would be invited if they were likely to have a flare-up on your big day, whenever that might be.
I don't know which occasion is likely to happen first, but if there was any trouble at that one, don't invite the argumentative one to the other.
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