A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:HeyI need some advice, I think I don't see my relationship in a healthy way because I am in the middle of it.Anyway, I am a 32 year old man, living in Sweden, married to a 28 year old foreign lady. We've never lived together, but we where planning to do this really soon by her moving to me. We've know each other for about 2 years by now. She is living abroad and I am living here, so it is a long distance relationship. (yes even whilst married)When we met I was dating several other people at the same time, I usually don't date that many people at the same time, for some reason this was just the case at the time. Some where getting more serious then others. (and had been going on for longer times)So I kept quite to her that I was seeing other people, in the end (maybe 4-5 months), I couldn't handle seeing more people at the same time, and had to confess to her that I was dating more, it was tears and I broke up with everyone except her. She more or less broke up with me though instead - also told me that she had been seeing this guy as well and didn't want to talk to me anymore.We somehow kept in contact, and I was quite sure she kept seeing this other fella - but she never admitted to. I however thought that I somehow deserved it and she later told me that she stopped seeing him because she was in love with me. I stayed with her because I was also in love with her.We decided to keep trying, and get pass my mistake. However now she didn't trust me with anything, everything had to be controlled and I couldn't even see my friends anymore. And since we live apart, it is hard to prove that I wasn't doing anything. Long, long looong phone calls, sometimes over hours at work hours, making me colleagues and everyone what was going on. Still, I stayed on the path and met her demands on everything - who I met and where I went, everything. She is still today more or less break up with me on the spot if I don't answer the phone or answer her text messages within the hour.She is also a bit unstable, sometimes she is in a very good mood, and everything is fine and she is understanding, but sometimes she has the habit of blaming everything on everyone else. For example is she blaming me for having a bad job, because we can't move in together and our future isn't set. She has already broken up with me more times then I can count, and then later came crawling back being so lovely and wonderful she is normally. I've fought really hard for it, sitting hours and hours talking to her about her concerns and excuse my past lies.So 8-9 month later she said that she wanted to marry me. That she never loved anyone this much, and I was both surprised and happy about it. After thinking it through, I proposed to her and she said yes. I was hoping that she finally trusted me and we could start building a good future together.However, her trust we me wasn't restored in any way, and also, one of my longer x-relationships, that I told her about, know my family very well, and she is always there for birthdays and such. So she made me promise not to meet her. It put me in a difficult position, in where I had to choose her or my family.I didn't promise in any direct way, I was telling her that I don't have any feelings for this girl anymore, and I only want you - also I said I would try and avoid all I can to meet with her. Even during birthdays and other big events requiring the whole family to attend. But I also said it would be impossible for me to keep lying to my family not being able to show up to these events. She said it is this way, or the highway. And if I didn't do this, I don't love her and need her.Later on she also told me that this guy she has been seeing was more serious then just dating, and that he had proposed and she had said no to it. It also made me feel unsure about her, and if I could trust her as well.I chose to trust her, and I still do. And she always tells me that this is one of my best treats. I feel that trust is needed in a prolonged relationship, however she cannot ever forgive me for my past mistakes. And so she tells me that she never will. She even told me this during our honeymoon.She is jealous of all the things I am doing in my life, all the people I meet, and all the money I've somehow spent on earlier romances. She is telling me that I am not doing this for her. When I have honestly never ever spent so much money and effort on anyone in my life to be with her. I've just nearly all my saving on her, paid all marriage and all trips. It's not that I mind doing this for us, she has no savings at all, and she is horrible with money. Always having her parents backing her up with cash if she has been shopping too much and can't pay rent or such.So status right now after marriage was that we where planning on her moving to me, and that she was going to look for job here. But she has panicked, thinking that she will be dependent on me - both money wise and friend wise. And also, she still doesn't trust me. So now she doesn't want to move here anymore. She is demanding I don't see my family and that I shall move to her country instead. I said that I need to think about moving, but she wouldn't have it, I need the decision today. And it is clear that I don't love her - but that I rather be free and live my own life.It is not true, I want nothing more then to be with her - but I can understand her that she is sacrificing a lot to come and live with me. But she can't take care of me there, and also, she is saying that she probably can never forgive me for my lying in the start of our relationship. My friends are telling me that maybe I have bit off more then I can chew in this woman. They are not advising me either way. They respect my opinion yet I understand that they sometimes give me warning signals about what is going on.So here I am, right now we are talking about divorce, just 6 months after marriage. She told me today that she won't be moving here. And that I can finally be free "go date with whomever you want". And if sort of gave up, telling her fine, I can't do this more. She's been calling me several times, blaming me for not loving her and that she is doing all the fighting for us.I on the other hand is telling her that she needs to move on and forgive me. Otherwise we can never work. She won't hear me, and telling me that this x-guy is still trying to be with her, and that she might see him. Because he loves her more then I do.I really don't know what to do. Help me with a strangers advice. Am I just a big arsehole from the start, or am I blind and she is very good in manipulating me. Should I go ahead with a divorce and just give up? Or should I gamble more and move abroad quitting my 10 year job and senior position for this?I know this is much text to process, but please, anyone - point me in the right direction here. I really love this woman.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 May 2012): Thank you for taking your time to read thru the wall of text. And thank you for your advice.
We had a talk last night, and decided to wait with her moving to me.
I will also try and break free of her demands on me, in the end though, I have a nagging feeling that this will not last. And that she is what you are saying, abusive.
A
female
reader, Abella  +, writes (13 May 2012):
 hi I am very very sorry to say this, but what you have is not a marriage.Instead your are in the vortex of a manipulative unstable un-committed (on her side) hardly relationship with a woman who most definitely does not know what love is.How dare this woman seek to control you at every opportunity?How dare this woman be so demanding that she could get you to the point where you lose your job (all the phone calls)This woman reneges on agreements (will she or will she not agree this time?)This woman tries to drive a wedge between you and your family? Unacceptable.This woman tries to isolate you from everyone in your life? Actions such as this are Red Flags that you have an ABUSIVE partner on your hands.This is not a marriage, except of Convenience to her.Get out of this marriage Right now. Just get the paperwork in motion.She has already told you to move on. She has found another fish in the sea that she wants to catch.You are only her fall-back position when she has a lull in looking for the highest bidder for her company.One wonders if she has done this to other men before? If she does it regularly then no wonder she cannot go live with a man she has married. (you) It is not lucrative enough for her. She can extract more money from a suitor/fiancee/lover/husband if she stays where she is.Very very sadly this woman has misled you about her feelings and her intentions.There is nothing to discuss. The time to consult is over.Just get that divorce rolling. Put an answering machine on your phone to record all incoming calls. Document the frequency and duration of her phone calls to work and how it impacts on you. Print out a copy of all bank records/money transfers have been made to provide her with funds or to pay her bills. Keep a copy/print out her texts and emails. Keep a copy of any letters. This is all ammunition to demonstrate what a mess this situation is, for you. Give a copy of all these interactions and transactions to the divorce lawyer.This is a miserable unjust and unfair situation.You do deserve better. And once the divorce is over get yourself a new cell phone and new email address to give you some peace. Refuse to accept her calls at work.Preserve your sanity by leaving this nasty situation.If you have any joint bank accounts that she has access to then protect yourself by reducing the balance to a pittance and transfer the money to a new bank account in a different bank.Because once a Divorce Court sees how much you have paid out they are unlikely to make you pay her more. But if she knows the way things are (and I think she does) then she may try to clean you out financially while you are still married IF she know how to access your bank accounts.The gloves are off in this situation. You have to protect you and protect yourself from further financial and social Abuse.I do hope you go on to meet a far nicer good womanBest wishes
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