A
male
age
,
anonymous
writes:My marriage fell apart due to a huge disconnect between my wife and I over many years. We decided to divorce last year, but it is taking very long because of the fact we cant divide assets, mainly because the house has been up for sale forever and wont sell. To make things even more problematic, I lost my job 2 months ago, and unemployment checks still havent started because there is a glut of claims. My wife has become hateful toward me because of all the stresses and tightness of money. We share a joint bank account that we transfer money into from our separate accounts. This joint account is to pay bills only, and she generally does that because she does it from the computer at home, and I live with my parents since we separated about 9 months ago. She has always been all about my paychecks and my handyman capabilities...other than that, I was a live in roommate for years who occasionally had sex with her. Not the loving relationship I needed from her. So I'm not surprised she is so annoyed with me. She also knows I am anxious to move on with my life and find someone else. In fact, I have met someone very special, but I have not really revealed this new woman for fear of my wife totally freaking out. I suspect she already knows, and that's why she's angry as well. My wife attacks me verbally for every little spec of annoyance or attitude I give her. But she has been VERY hateful and resentful toward me, and most of it is completely unjustified and unrealistic. I want to maintain a friendship with my wife, and we were in a good place a few months ago, but lately she says friendship is unlikely because I keep hurting her...which I really dont...she just LOOKS for things that hurt her. I'll give an example...a rather extreme one. I got a few small sores on my junk about a month ago. I foolishly self diagnosed it as herpes. I remembered my wife getting what I swear I thought was non-STD herpes (HPV-1) about 10 years ago. This is the cold sore version, and I remember being relieved that it was non-STD, because I was worried she may have cheated (which was not at all her character). I also remember her telling me it stayed dormant your whole life and could re-emerge during stress. Well, I asked her about this past incident. She asked why, and I explained it was because I had what I thought might be herpes, and that it may have re-emerged from the stress in my life. Well, she totally FLIPPED OUT on me, accusing me of getting an STD and having sex with other women. She said she had an ingrown hair 10 years ago, and it was not herpes, but then why would I have remembered all that stuff we talked about if it was just an ingrown hair? Well, she took this as me insinuating she was to blame and that I am sleeping around (which I'm not) and got it from someone else. I got tested and it turns out it was nothing...just a minor infection I got from my bike shorts chafing me. This latest blow has had her terribly mad at me, and may have irreparably broken our friendship. I cnat get her to get past it. She refuses to be civil and reasonable with me when we talk now. I feel it is so unfair...all I was trying to do was find out what I had, and I distinctly remember the incident from about 10 years back. I'm going crazy over her attacks on me. All I want is for us to move on as friends, but she pulls out anything she can to resist. Am I being insenstitive or a jerk? I dont get it. Is she trying to make it easier on herself by finding things to push me away?On the flip side, I know she is squirreling money away in her private account, so I have every reason to be mad at her, but I dont say anything because I want to part amicably and remain friends, but it is becoming so hard.what do I do? I think I just need to stay away and let time heal.
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female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (12 September 2010):
 I have been divorced after 3 years of marriage. I won't try 15 years of a roomie situation. I myself enjoy sex very much and would do it without prompting, without favors, and gifts. I am attempting to explain to you why she feels hurt in her situation. She had not been clear to you about what she wants, such as how she could get emotional support from you. I feel that all she had been doing is blaming you and not appreciating for who you are, and believing in you even when things got tough.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 September 2010): OP here. I am paying the majority of the bills for her to live in a half million dollar house. By "pay the bills", wha t I meant, was she is paying online from our computer...but the money she is using is largely mine. The money she is squirreling away is a combination of money from her mother, which she told me she wasn't getting, and money that she took out of our joint savings and checking...money that was supposed to go toward bills. I also found out she is using a joint CC to charge things to. She has a rich family, a job, and I lost my job last month due to a layoff. So no...I am bearing the biggest blows here. She's just watchin Oprah, paying bills online and bitching at me for being unemployed. She puts me through guilt trips, saying she has no money for food, and how can I be so insensitive to her not eating, but then she squirrels away $1000 here and charges $1300 there and has a whole closet full of new shoes while I cant even afford enough gas to go see my Mom who just had her knee replaced.
Just found out this today about the stashing of money...so the friendship I longed for is not something I think I want as much now.
Dumped her? More like I found someone who loves me for more than a paycheck and a wrench. Yeah...I am looking out for myself and moving on. Would you stay in a dead marriage? Are you even married? Do you have any idea what it's like to live with a spouse who is less close to you than a college roomie? Try it for 15 years. Then come back and judge me.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (11 September 2010):
She can't be civil to you because it seems like you are the one that opted out of the relationship. You are dumping her for another woman. She is going to be that way until you ask her to consider staying in the marriage to work things out. The disconnect begins when you see her as a nagging wife always taking and taking, and she sees you as a stonewalling husband only good for household repairs, and you would do them in exchange for sex. I see that you are past the reconciliation stage. You don't mention kids here and I assume at her age she won't be wanting some. All you could do is either, say you love her still and want to work things out, or assure her she would find a better man for herself, even if you don't feel she would.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 September 2010): I think you might be a little insensitive here on this part. It seems that she is paying for all the bills and doing all of the work instead of it being an equal share, which is causing alot of stress for her. She apparantly has speculations of you cheating and you mentioning the "herpes" incident might have added fuel to her speculations and fear. Although I don't blame you for that part because you didn't know and it is a little unreasonable for her to do that but remember she is doing all of the work at this point. She is getting a divorce, paying for all of the bills, and is leaving with nothing to move on with (you on the other hand seem ok with moving on right away).
About the whole squirreling money away on her own account, is it her money or your money she is taking away? I mean if it is her money that she earned herself, and you guys are getting a divorce i don't blame her for taking some money away. I know its not my place to say anything but i don't know if friendship will be possible right away, giving some time to heal is probably the best answer at this point. I know it sounds hard but i knew a friend where the husband and wife hated each other (the husband cheated countless times) and eventually divorced. However after a year apart they started talking again and remained friends.
Good luck and don't be too hard on her, she's going through alot as well as you.
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