A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My brother totaled his car recently, occasionally i would give him a ride to work as he have be at work for 6:00am. This morning my husband was obviously annoyed when my clock alarm at 5:am, when i returned home he starting yelling at me and telling me that he is tired because i woke him up and i need to fit the problem or he's gonna fix it, he was angry so i walked away.He followed me and and told me that i'm blowing him off and then he proceeded to tell me FUCK YOU three separate times.Can someone tell how to handle this matter.What should i say to him later wen he gets home.thanks.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 April 2013): This fool does not love you, get out immediately before the abuse becomes physical. If your enduring any emotional or verbal abuse now, then you have issues. That should spring a red flag. Don't compromise because in the end you'll end up unhappy,unloved and feeling lonely. You have every right and deserve to be respected if you have to change a male or feel the need to then, he shouldn't have been intended to have been a candidate to begin with. Find Happier and healthier Landings,there are plenty of fish in the sea.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 April 2013): Ciar does not make good points. How is classical conditioning in a manipulative way going to fix anything?Trust me as a male this is not a good way to handle things. It will likely lead to resentment and an even bigger problem.His behaviour, especially swearing, is unacceptable, so first thing I would say to him is something along the lines of "It doesnt matter what the circumstances are swearing like that will not make me see your point any clearer and will not help fix an issue", after that is across sit down and hear why he was so annoyed. Try to understand his reasoning. THe worst thing anyone can do is dismiss the emotions of another. Rightly or wrongly that is how they feel and should never be dismissed (male or female).For exmple sometimes my fiance decides to go running at 5 am the morning after my football training. I am exhausted, and although she is very quiet and barely wakes me I find myself worrying for the next hour until she gets back because the route she runs is not very well lit and there are few to no other people around. My compromise? well now I run with her and drink coffee in the morning!We all have our reasons for feeling a certain way, you just have to work out what they are, understand where someone is coming from and compromise.No silent treatment, no "puppy" training, and certainly nothing to make a blowup into a cause for resentment on both sides.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (18 April 2013):
 Just one question for clarification before I intrude on this conversation.
Is this kind of language and behavior his normal way of "fixing" things?
FA
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A
male
reader, peanut_gallery +, writes (18 April 2013):
Agreed about the misplaced anger. It sounds like the classic case of him feeling like you are putting your brother before him.
The "fuck you" part is not acceptable. He should not have done that and truth be told, he probably would not have said it unless something else was boiling.
If I were him, I would express my displeasure openly and simply sleep elsewhere until your brother buys a car or someone else helps him out.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (18 April 2013):
 Ciar makes great points.
He may have misplaced anger... perhaps he's worried you are not getting enough rest by helping your brother but he doesn't want to say something about it for fear of seeming non-supportive.
Or he thinks your being taken advantage of. But yeah the anger at the alarm and being woken earlier than planned is a smoke screen.HE may not even be aware of what he's really angry about.Or he may be afraid to tell you.
(my long explanation of how this works in real life for me follows)
My husband gets very angry about stuff I ask about and want to do if he's recently run our budget and I ask for something I WANT that he did not budget for. I thought he was mad AT ME for asking. It turns out he's mad at the situation because he either has to tell me no (and he does not want to) or tell me yes and know it's going to cost more than he planned. He loves me, and giving me things is one of the ways he shows it. Having to tell me no means to him that he's saying I don't love you. The book The 5 Languages of Love was very helpful for me in learning this.
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I wonder how long this helping is going to be going on as that may be part of the issue.
If you get up at 5 and he gets to sleep a bit more (like an hour or so) then your alarm is like a giant snooze button to him and maybe his sleep is being disturbed too much. If that's the problem offer to sleep in the spare room or on the couch on the nights this will happen.
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A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (18 April 2013):
 Most welcome. Best of luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 April 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the advice i will let you guys know the outcome.
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A
female
reader, Ciar +, writes (18 April 2013):
I recommend you not initiate any conversation with him. A well timed stoney silence will get your message across far better.Limit your exchanges to that which is absolutely necessary, but don't act pouty. No doubt you're a busy woman, so go about your business as if he weren't even there. When you do respond, keep your answers brief, but not spitefully kurt. For example, if you were in the middle of doing something, keep doing it while you talk. Trying to engage him in a dialogue after HE misbehaves makes it appear as if you're trying to curry favour and it weakens your position. And no more cooking for him or doing his laundry or anything else that benefits him. He must learn that there is a price to pay for treating you badly. If he wants a clean shirt and a home cooked meal (or whatever else it is you do for him) then he knows what to do.He's angry, perhaps justifiably, but he handled it poorly. He might sulk a while, so let him. Eventually necessity will compell him to reach out to you. He is more likely to listen to what you have to say if he approaches you and you keep it brief, speak quietly, and stick to facts not feelings. When he acts like a good boy again, he can have his priviledges back.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (18 April 2013):
 My gut feeling is that the alarm waking your husband is not the problem, is there something else he is not happy about.
If he is calmer when he gets home, sit down and try to talk to him about his reaction, find out what's bothering and then work out a way between you to find a solution you are both happy with.
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