A
female
age
41-50,
*creennametaken
writes:Distraught... Still. After so many years... I fell in love with someone while still a teenager. He was my first kiss and was so unique, such a charmer and good looking and incredibly funny. He just *saw* me and completely got me. We were always good friends, always slightly more than friends. He got married to someone at an early age (20), had a child, got divorced seven years later. Through their marriage, he would email and call and try to reconnect with me. At one point, the communication was so much - easily 50 emails a day, phone calls, texts - that I told him we should stop. I blocked him, focused on my work, got into grad school, and though he'd pop up every now and again, I would push him away.After his divorce, he jumped into a new relationship. This new woman cheated on him almost immediately, leaving him distraught. They broke up. And made up. And broke up. She cheated on him with "half the office" and he only found out because he actually caught her in bed with a guy.After this, we start to reconnect. I had just gone through a loss in my immediate family and was grieving. Had put on a lot of weight and wasn't feeling very confident or happy. He appears and it is like we are kids again. He softens up, becomes happy, appears to be in love and after a year of CONSTANT texting and emailing and calling, with tons of sexual innuendo and proclamations of love, I told him that if he is in any way just dicking around, he MUST let me know. We meet, but he decides I'm not sexually appealing, even tbough we are best friends on every other level. I am of course so saddened. I am still grieving the loss of my father and am under so much other stress. He goes back to the woman who cheated on him. They have lived together for two years and are expecting a baby any day now. I understand from a mutual friend that he has asked about me, but I have just stone-cold blocked him. I am not some emotional pick-me-up for HIS bad relationships or troubles. I need love, too.Problem is, I have never met anyone like him. He is just someone so different and cool and we get each other. I have sort of tried falling in love - really - but the same feeling is just impossible to recreate. Short of a miracle, I don't know what to do. Does true love ever happen again? Was it even true love? True anything??? I know I'm bad for saying this, but all I want is some sort of confirmation that he is miserable. Do cheaters ever change their spots? Can he be happy?
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 December 2011): No problem. My post was harsh but that's how I see things really.
I get the naivety thing when he was married there was quite a bit of naivety about this whole thing.
Your situation is not a nice one but it is one you can move past with a hell of a lot of experience and lessons. He's no good, there might be nice aspects to his character but he uses them to treat people like crap. That makes him a douche in my books and no matter how sweet and nice he acts he doesn't get a free pass to play with peoples emotions.
There will be other guys and they won't be the same as him but once you're past this and once you open yourself to giving others a chance to prove their worth to you you'll find they can be equally if not more special to you. Just have to give them that chance and not discount them because they don't give you that special feeling straight away.
A
female
reader, screennametaken +, writes (11 December 2011):
screennametaken is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDude. THANK YOU for your reply. It is exactly as you say. Though I do take issue with just one teensy tiny thing - when we were talking while he was married, I was extremely naive and didn't believe it was not innocent. As soon as I saw that it was not "clean", I blocked him. I really don't consider myself a cheat and certainly not now when there are ample opportunities to reconnect and I don't.THANK YOU. I will re-read what you have written many times.DANKE.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 December 2011): "Does true love ever happen again?" yes but not when you do the things you do and keep a guy in your life who is pretty much bad for you.
"Was it even true love?" No, it sounds more like infatuation and fantasy to me OP. You were in love with the idea of being together but it never really happened because it was a fantasy, and illusion.
"Do cheaters ever change their spots?" Serial cheaters no, one time cheaters aren't technically cheaters, everyone can make a mistake. This guy is the former, he emotionally cheated on his wife with you, which you were just as guilty of so you too are a cheater OP.
"Can he be happy?" No, this guy was just not made for relationships OP. There is this idea that a lot of people have that "there is someone for everyone" that's lies. Some people are just not capable of maintaining healthy relationships.
He emotionally cheated on his wife with you, he is in an on/off miserable poisonous relationship. So no, he may always have a partner but he'll never truly be happy because he has shown over the past decade that one woman is never enough.
AS far as you finding love, you dug your own grave OP and I have no sympathy for you because you spent all this time focused on one unattainable guy. So for all this time true love with anyone else never had chance to blossom. Of course there will be other guys that will make your knees weak and your heart race, but they've been anonymous to you and haven't stood a chance because they always had to battle the magical, mysterious super guy (emotionally retarded douche-monkey) that you had in your head as your obsession.
The solution is simple OP and you're already doing it. Just completely extricate every single thing about this guy out of your life and stop asking about him and stop people telling you about him. It's going to take a lot of time, because while you haven't technically been with him psychologically you have because you've been wholly devoted to him, even though he's treated you like utter shit for years.
A piece of advice OP, next time you meet a guy pay attention to his behaviour and don't get lost in some fantastical notion of having some kind of extra special bond with a guy who really gets you and ignore or give him a pass on all the bad shit he does. That's just foolish and that's what has brought you to where you are now. 30 something and still pining after a guy who charmed the knickers off you as a teenager then told you that you're too fat for him.
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