A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am 29 and my boyfriend is 30. We have been together for 2 years. We have been fighting a lot lately about anything and have both decided that we want to work on things. However, he has not been putting in the effort. I havent seen him in over a week, he says he is goign to call but then doesnt. I dont know what to do and I dont understand what is happening. I feel like on some level he is distancing himself to almost force me to break up with him.Why does he say that he wants to work on this when his actions are clearly saying something else? And if he doesnt want me, why does he always say that he does....that he doesnt want to break up with me? Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, AuntyEm  +, writes (30 January 2011):
 Men generally are in a state of confusion over relationships if they don't feel things are right or secure. His behaviour is not uncommon and it's a perfect smoke screen to keep you reeling until he figures out what he wants. Sadly a lot of men won't leave a previous girlfriend or lover until they have found someone better to move on to. You have to take this into consideration.
Men kinda have it in their nature to have things the way they want and maybe he isn't quite ready to let go of you but might be exploring other options (i.e seeing other women or even just having man time with his friends and hobbies).
I have said it before and I will repeat it...Take notice of what he does more than what he says. His body language will speak volumes. If he isn't making the effort, then that kinda indicates that his mind is elsewhere.
I know you must be in pain over this but be a smart smart girl and try and carry on with your life. Don't make all the first contact, in fact try to have some days where you arn't thinking about him but are doing other stuff (work, friends, hobbies, family etc)
It doesn't mean the relationship is over. If he contacts you be nice but don't be needy or begging. If he doesn't contact you, give him time and space to miss you.If he wants to talk it over, then that is the time to talk.
There isn't a whole lot more that you can do and you cannot force him to come back...but he may well do after some time and you absolutely cannot force him to talk about it if he's not ready...it could be a disaster if you do.
Be patient and be strong and dignified. Any other behaviour will only make the emotional rollercoaster worse!!
It may or may not work out but only time and patience will tell.
A
male
reader, mamounia +, writes (30 January 2011):
you see, you man is probably is trapped in his own emotional insecurity. men are very vulnerable when it comes to dealing with emotional trauma. you obviously had fights in the past. who hadn't? but your man is more likely had enough of ups and downs in his life and clearly is seeking the way out.Here is my advise for you:stop calling him for a week. no contact at all! let him find his own joy when all by him-self. he cam not constantly rely on you and trust that you will not break his heart again. you may have been in love but as we all know nothing is permanent in this world, even the most secure and loving relationships.there is a psychology behind the dynamics of loving relationships and often all we have to do is to listen to our inner wisdom and intuition. Let him be or even better just focus on your own life for a moment. do not get angry or upset with him - this will only make you feel worse.Even if he is cheating on you, he is only doing that to get over his emotional trauma. and always remember, there is always a chance of preserving the love without holding on to a particular person. Simply refocus your energies and keep your love alive... because one day you will find another man and will share that love with him on a much deeper level!Best wishes ;)FREi
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A
female
reader, Cherrie_StPierre  +, writes (30 January 2011):
 Sounds like maybe he wants his cake and eat it too? A healthy relationship is all about communication. If you can't do that, then there is no point being together. You need to sit him down and tell him how you feel about this. Tell him that he's not putting in any effort, and if he doesn't start to, force yourself to leave him. A big part of the male mind is when he is forced to believe what he may lose, he thinks upon what he is doing wrong if he really doesn't want to lose it. xoxoxox
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