A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:In my relationship I am a very emotional and talkative person. My fiancee is neither. Giving spontaneous hugs and discussing how we feel about each other feels awkward for me because despite how much feeling I express he can't reciprocate as I would like. I feel like I can speak about how deeply I am feeling etc and he is capable of saying "I love you" in return but little else. Since then I have felt too awkward to go too deeply into my feelings. Also I would like to be able to easily say "I love you" or easily hug him but it feels uncomfortable to do any vulernable displays of affection. It has been worrying me a little that this is a big problem to go into a marriage with. I also want any ideas to help feel more comfortable. He is open to trying anything, it is just difficult for him to do anything too emotional or touchy feely. I would just like to be comfortable acting like myself and for him to reciprocate better. Any exercises to be more comfortable or ideas would be great. Or thoughts in general. Thanks in advanced.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 September 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI don't feel as though he has a wall up really. He is just uncomfortable speaking too deeply about feelings, or uncapable of it rather. He is able to write things down though and read them to me. And he can speak in retrospect, like- I think it's cute when you did this on monday. But he just can't say how he is feeling right at that minute. He hasn't had rough relationships in the past. And I used to say it was a wall thing too, he just says it isn't who he is to be emotional and mushy. He's very logical thinking and I am feeling. I just want to be able to be myselfAnd for him to reciprocate a little better. We have been working on it and he is trying. I am the one who feels awkward, he says he doesn't feel that way when hugging me at all. I figure the more we practice rather than ignore it the better it'll be. I think if I can't be myself 100% then I will end up resenting him or looking for someone else. So we are both wanting to try to make me feel more comfortable. In every other aspect of the relationship we are great and have great communication. It's just since we are so different emotionally this part has been hard. Thanks.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 September 2011): yes this isn't a good situation going into a marriage...because this isn't really about displays of affection or lack thereof, it's about being able to feel comfortable and at ease with one another fundamentally.It sounds like he's putting up a wall or barrier around himself. And this makes you feel as if he's shutting you out, or pushing you away, and you feel hurt. you no longer feel "safe" in opening up to him or being vulnerable to him because you feel rejected. Over time this can lead to an erosion of trust and intimacy (which are really bad for a marriage). Maybe at some point you will feel as walled-off toward him as he already feels towards you (though why he feels that way is unclear from your post, it could have nothing to do with you but with his past relationships and experiences). I think you need to do two things in parallel and for the long term: one is to restrain yourself from "over expressing" or trying to share too much or too deeply with him, for now. Because that or makes him feel uncomfortable and sends up his wall. This is too heavy for him. So from now on, don't make him uncomfortable anymore because if he gets uncomfortable he'll shut you out.But that doesn't mean you should mirror him and be closed off to him too. That doesn't improve the situation because now you have not just one but both people having barriers up. Instead, do continue to share your feelings with him, but do it in a more measured and low-key way that doesn't make him feel as uncomfortable. Control or resist your urge to pour out everything you're feeling or wanting to share with him. He should not the only person in your life that you can share your thoughts and feelings with - you also have friends and family so he shouldn't be your only outlet for emotional support and expression. (If he is, then you're putting way too much pressure on him to be your only emotional outlet and you need to develop other friendships to take some pressure of your relationship to meet all your emotional needs and be more balanced. Just saying IF.)AND secondly, don't ask him explicitly to share his feelings back, or ask him more than once to share what he's thinking, cos that will just make him feel pressured and walled up some more and maybe irritated too. Share your thoughts and feelings in a more measured and restrained way (not in your current way which is overwhelming to him), and...that's it. Just leave it at that. Deal with your disatisfaction on your own (see above suggestion for having other outlets besides him). Let him be free to express as much or as little of his own thoughts and feelings as he wishes to. If he wishes to not say anything, that's OK. You'll continue to share bit by bit anyway, you won't wall yourself up in the future nor will you bombard him or demand reciprocation either. He needs to feel free to come out of his shell, so to create those conditions you have to consistently not make him feel pressured, and yet while still extending the invitation.If and when he does eventually start to share a bit of his own thoughts and feelings, resist the urge to then bombard him with yours. Continue to stay at whatever level he's comfortable with. (again, see above suggestion for finding other outlets so you don't need him to be as intense as you are.)It could be that he'll just never be as expressive or communicative or talkative as you are, and at some point you'll just have to accept that this is who he is, if you want to be married for the long term. But that's not to say that things can't improve from the way they are now to where you can both be comfortable with it. As for the hugging ... I'm guessing that if he starts to feel more at ease with you, then he'll naturally gravitate more toward returning your hugs. and, if you're feeling more at ease with him (because he's started to open up in the future) then you'll feel OK about hugging him even if he doesn't hug you back.
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A
male
reader, aebniala  +, writes (12 September 2011):
It a good thing since you are only fiancee. Dont marry, untill you get to know each one a lot more and comfortable with each other. At least you know what you want.
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A
female
reader, anonymousTA  +, writes (12 September 2011):
If he loves you enough to have proposed you should well and truly know he cares about you and that you can be your complete self with him. If you don't feel like your getting enough just talk to him about it, he may feel he does other sweet little things for you that should make you feel loved and may not know how to communicate and express his feelings as openly as you can. good luck :)
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