A
female
age
41-50,
*nhappy78
writes:I have been dating my bf for 4 years. Whenever we try to have a serious discussion regarding our future (marriage) he gets extremely upset with me (i.e. yells, shouts, HUGE arguments). I try very hard to do special things for him. I cook, clean, do his laundry, go grocery shopping for him. (We do not live together). I go to his house on the weekends (he has not been to my home in months). I love him, but I don't understand why our relationship can't move forward. I've never cheated. I try to support him in his every move, I am there for him during times of stress....Please any help would be appreciated. I am starting to feel like something is wrong with me....Like I am "not worth" committing to. Thanks! :) Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 January 2010): Yes you are worth it...no matter how much it sucks now, it would suck worse to go through this again in another year or two.
A
female
reader, unhappy78 +, writes (25 January 2010):
unhappy78 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI would like to thank you all for your guidance. It has been a very difficult week. I did ask him to sit down with me to discuss these issues as a final attempt to save our relationship, however, he has not been able to "make the time" due to his hectic work schedule. I think I know what I have to do....It just really sucks because I never thought I would be in this position at this point in my life. But I AM WORTH to have someone who loves me the way that I love them. Thanks again.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 January 2010): Walk away. He will never commit. Start being selfish. Love YOURSELF.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 January 2010): CaptnJohn may be on to something.
Most people only appreciate an opportunity when they are trained to see it. Sounds like your man does not perceive you and your actions as the right life opportunity.
...OR...
Your man knows what he wants and is using you as a back up plan.
How he arrives at perceiving you as the right life partner, or more importantly, seeing your partnership as the right combination, may be simple:
He can try being without you, whether real or perceived, and realize what he wants.
If I were in your position, I would move on. For most of these cases the other is just holding on for undisclosed reasons and won't commit simply for their own position. I use the word "most" in a forcible way; if the other is not in the game right now, it is wise to cue off of it and not bet your chips on a half-thing.
Go for the possibility of another being the right thing; you'll be glad you did.
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A
female
reader, Angzw  +, writes (21 January 2010):
If you are already giving him everything that a wife does then why would he marry you? For many guys, they like to be the hunters, not the hunted. They like to chase not be chased. You have to make him pursue you because right now you are acting desperate. I am not saying be mean and cruel. Just don't always rush to answer all his calls, don't always be calling him to leave several missed calls etc. Don't always make yourself available to be his maid or even just to hang out with. Have your own interests. Right now you are building your foundation for your future happiness on one man. So you are setting yourself up for a fall. Do other things, keep busy. Don't be afraid to lose him. If you don't call/visit him for a few days without explanation he will be running around wondering what you are up to. Just tell him you are just spending some "me" time but don't talk about marriage issues. If he dumps you don't bleat, wail and beg. Just say "fine, cheers". He will be calling you. There are literally thousands of websites on how to make a man propose/fall in love etc on the web. Don't think its all just cliché. Just from using some of the ideas on these sites that already came naturally to me before I even read them online, I have had a proposal from every guy I have dated yet I am a divorced mother of three. Even my ex husband has proposed for the 100th time :-( ugh). Just start to value yourself and he will also begin to see your worth. If you cheapen yourself with this maid and desperate behavior he will pursue someone else who makes him sweat a little. Be confident (not conceited), act like a winner, have him wondering if he is good enough for you.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (21 January 2010):
 We don't get married because it's the right thing to do. A lot of married couples feel there is something missing, like a spark, or the missing link between the two and would look outside for that. Maybe he is doing you a favor but not getting married because he thinks you both could hook up with others whom you are crazy about. You could not trade household chores and emotional support for marriage. There is no deserving or non-deserving here.
If couples have great chemistry, an occassionally messy house won't bother them that much.
You mistake is doing too much and expecting something in return. A give and take only works when there is a contract in between people. He did not accept this contract but don't know how to tell you what's wrong, since you are a great lady.
I think you should stop all doing take time away from him.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 January 2010): http://www.dearcupid.org/question/missing-himwhat-should-i-do.html
Take a look at the question posted above and my response to the question...for some answers.
It doesn't take a man 4 years to decide if he thinks you are the ONE he wants to be with for the rest of his life.
Why are you putting up with a man who gets angry with you for bringing up something that YOU want? You are wasting your time, move on.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (21 January 2010):
 Exactly, why would he BUY the cow when the milk is FREE.
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male
reader, captnjohn +, writes (21 January 2010):
 You are definatly worth commiting to! you sound like a great person. you are already doing everything a whife would...i guess everything. he's not ready to commit, he may never be. slow down, stop seeing him so much, stop showing so much interest, let him think he can loose you, if he doesn't start wanting commitment after you start showning your not as interested as before, then he's not really that into you, and you need to keep looking and move on, learn from it. you may have to kiss a lot of frogs to find a prince is so so true.
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male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (21 January 2010):
Your post actually says it all. You don't live together, yet you cook, clean, do his laundry and shop for him. You go to his, he doesn't come to yours. You're a really great lady, and you will make another guy a great wife. But this man is clearly using you as a slave/sex buddy, and noting more. Ad him not committing proves it. You're worth committing to. He's not. And in future, though you are a good lady, don't make the mistake of doing all that for a man before there is commitment (and not even all the time after, let your man do some work too). He's taking advantage of your good nature. End it.
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