A
male
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anonymous
writes:I started dating a past co-worker of mine this week. I’ve been riding the brakes on any relationship potential for so long because – perhaps unbeknownst to her – she’s a bit of a gossip girl, volunteering the details of other people’s personal lives and opinions without any probing. Relative to others, I am perhaps “abnormally” discreet; absolutely when it comes to the private lives of others and circumstantially when it comes to mine depending on the friend I’m confiding in. This made it very hard for me to open up on our first date. I’m falling for her but I really don’t see things developing until I can expect some discretion from her. What can I do?When she asks me about others, all I can think is “I don’t care if you’re asking me why A has never gotten married, or why B changed jobs so suddenly. I’m not telling you because it’s completely up to them whether they want to confide in you.”“You’re awesome! I hunger and crave for a deep conversation with you but I’m worried my personal life will ‘slip’ from your tongue. It sucks that I have to keep everything top-level and detached with you.”
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 July 2010): I'm glad we could help. She will talk about you, it's up to you to make sure she has only good things to say about you.
It's very unlikely she'll repeat everything you say or that happens between you. People that repeat everything are as rare as those that don't talk at all. So don't worry about that at all.
Remember her talking to you about other people is also a sign of her trust and comfort with you. The more detail she goes into the more she trusts you. It's also a way for her to gauge your moral values. Such as if she mentions someone is cheating on someone else and you respond that you think that's detestable, she then knows your stance on cheating. Just an example, but you get the idea.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 July 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThis was all great advice. I really do need to lighten up.
I think I'm going to avoid the frank discussion. I'm just going to tell her that I trust her and take that jump; that's what the relationship will take anyways. If she can't help it and just repeats everything, well...fuck!
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A
female
reader, Denise32  +, writes (30 July 2010):
 hmmmm. Maybe he Does need to lighten up a bit, Cerberus. Good point, and it IS normal to talk about other people's lives, but there is also such a thing as being discreet when discretion seems to be called for and particularly if "gossip" might be harmful to someone else.
Maybe these two can talk and reach a compromise that works for both.........
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 July 2010): Dude perhaps she only volunteers that kind of thing to you because she trusts you, or wouldn't volunteer stuff about you or her personal life to others.
She is who she is, you can't change her. If you ask her to be discreet then she might take note or she might think you're insulting her or being bossy.
You say you're abnormally discreet, then perhaps you should lighten up a bit. It's very normal to talk about other peoples lives, every body does to some degree. It's how we learn to cope with situations we haven't come up against yet or how to deal with stuff we were going through by seeing how others went wrong, what they did etc.
Personally I think you've taken this discretion thing a little too far. There are women out there that don't talk about other people, but one look at women's tv shows, magazines etc and you'll see that there aren't many. Just look at how popular soap operas, big brother etc all are. They are pretty much all just shows about prying into other peoples lives and yes they are very popular with women.
Dude those people she's talking about, who's getting married to who etc. those people are also talking about other people, I mean come on. There's enjoying your privacy and there's downright paranoia. Talking about other people is absolutely harmless, only rumour creation, lies and being overly judgmental are bad things.
"I hunger and crave for a deep conversation with you but I’m worried my personal life will ‘slip’ from your tongue." You're screwed then dude, because girls talk and they will talk about you. You just have to make sure you make it clear which things you don't want them discussing with others but you also have to make sure that's a reasonable amount of things too. You can't get pissy because she decided to tell someone you got an A in an exam or you're a great lover otherwise you just restrict them through your own paranoia about things.
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female
reader, Denise32 +, writes (29 July 2010):
Wait a minute! Is your last paragraph something she is saying to you, or what YOU have said (or wish to say) to her?
I think it would be good to sit her down and have a frank talk with her, along the lines of what you have told us.
i.e., that you are falling for her; you think she's awesome (if that is what you think) and that you're finding it very difficult to open up to her because you fear she might broadcast information that really should be kept confidential - either about your friends, or yourself.
As to why she does this, well, it's possible that when she was younger she didn't get the kind of attention from her family and verbal interaction she would have liked. Now she may be making up for that lack by being somewhat "gossipy."
However, to go back to how you deal with it: when she asks why so-and-so has never married, or why "Sam" had a sudden job change, you might try responding with "I really don't know. That's their business." Or (with a shake of your head) "I dunno. Beats me. Why don't you ask him?" These kinds of shrugging-it-off responses would be AFTER you've had a talk with her about your concerns.
Good luck, hope it works out!
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