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female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: My boyfriend and I seem to have a disagreement regarding virginity.Four years ago, when I was just a 15 year old, I gave a BJ to a friend of mine. He was always a friend, nothing but. Two years later, this friend introduced me to my now boyfriend, and we've been together for almost a year and six months.My boyfriend didn't find out about the situation with my (now ex) friend until we had been together for six months. This caused a whole retrospective jealousy issue to my boyfriend.So today the topic came up, and I told him that at least i was a virgin when we slept. He told me I wasn't a virgin, because I had had oral sex before, that it's consdered sex, and that my first sexual experience had been with that guy, and that what will my kids think of my when I tell them thay my first time was with just a friend! I argued that he was no saint though, because he should tell them that his first time was with a firiend also... his first sexual experience was with just a friend who gave him a hand job. He said not, that it was with his first girlfriend, and not the friend of the hand job. He said a hand job is not sex. I told him what's the difference between a mouth and a hand? He said you're being penetrated when you give a BJ, not so when giving a HJ. So now, I'm left as the impure one who lost her "virginity" to a friend, and he's the saint who waited to lose it to his first girlfirend.I waited to have intercourse with my boyfriend. And how can a HJ not be sex? It's sexual right?How can I let him see that none of us are more impure than the other as he makes it seem? We're just the same!
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2008): Tell your boyfriend to grow up! You are technically and legally a 'virgin'. You are prosimicus and sexually active, but you were a virgin.
If a court wanted to know if you were a virgin....then they would only seek to know if your 'hymen' was still intact. They would not inquire about oral, anal or hand sex
A
female
reader, carebear  +, writes (17 February 2008):
 HiHow old is this guy? is he educated you are a virgin untill you have sexual intercourse full stop!!! wither is was consenual or not thats a fact.You engaged in a sexual act but not intercourse whereas he had intercourse so he was not a virgin you were and are correct dear.Word of warning never let a b/f make you feel bad about your past it has nothing to do with them its your past not his if he can't accept that its time to go
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2008): the issue isn't whether oral sex or a handjob is really sex. The issue is that your current bf may be hung-up on this for good. (especially because he was friends with the guy you gave oral to). if it keeps coming up in the future, you'll need to dump him and move on, because he clearly has jealousy issues. P.S.-- re. what is sex: I'd say Oral sex could arguably be considered sex, but a handjob: No.
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A
male
reader, xylplxym  +, writes (17 February 2008):
By a strictly medical stand point it is very simple; a woman's virginity is lost when her hymen is torn. In this case, it dosen't even have to be by sexual intercourse, and this is why most people don't rely on this idea when calling themself a virgin.Medically the definition for sex is strictly penetration. But in all actuality sex includes any act of stimulation of the genitals such as bj and hj. Really thats why it is called sex, because the genitals or the SEXUAL organs are involved. Not that hard to figure out in my opinion.The truest definition of being a virgin has to do with consent. And I don't mean the legal term of course because legaly a person your age can't give consent. I simply mean that one willingly agrees to the act without any kind of outside pressure. One loses their virginity when one freely consents to the sexual act. So you both have lost your respective virginities. You are correct in saying you two are the same; you both are impure. And I use the word impure because I follow Catholic morallity. I'm not sure what set of secular morals you use, but in any case you both are the same because you both were involved in consentual sexual acts. For the record I do not condone your premarital sexual actions. Disagree if you wish and I know you will, but don't verbalize it with me unless you are going to listen to what I have to say also. That style of arguing is so childish and annoying.
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A
male
reader, DoubleM +, writes (16 February 2008):
 I think that "Dr. Pete" provided excellent advice here. Your boyfriend seems to be putting you on a "guilt trip" and has little respect for you as a woman, or any woman. It is true, in my opinion, that oral sex to completion is quite sexual, despite what a former president of the United States believes, but it is not a loss of virginity. You provided one of the most intimate sexual services to your friend at far too early an age, but you did not lose your virginity. You certainly lost a heck of a lot your innocence, however, especially if he finished in you. You were far too young to experience that kind of thing.
A loss of virginity, however, involves extended vaginal penetration to the point of completion at least for the man, although a first time for many women is almost always short of orgasm quality depending upon the man's experience. In most cultures, it means the breakage of something called the "hymen," which may or may NOT have still been intact at your age.
A hand job is definitely foreplay and also represents no loss of virginity, in my opinion. I would rather hear that underage girls visiting this Web site were giving hand jobs, if anything, rather than oral satisfaction or intercourse for their boyfriends. Mainly because the relationships are almost certainly doomed beyond a few months or less.
I agree with "Dr. Pete" that your guy is a total hypocrite and, in my opinion, is no good for you.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 February 2008): It's considered foreplay and has nothing to do with the concept of virginity.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 February 2008): Both a BJ and a HJ are sex. It dosen't matter if it's vaginal, hand, anal, or oral it is sex. But I see no reason to tell your children about any of your past sexual exploits.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 February 2008): What a pedantic and wasteful argument your boyfriend has raised. This is more about his own insecurity and problems trying to rationalise his ideal of how a women should behave and act, with his feelings for you. Has he had religious upbringing in his life, per chance? I can't think why else he would be so hung-up on the notion of women having to be "pure".
It sounds like he is trying to make you feel bad and guilty, like to bring up the "what will your children think of you" it must be quite hurtful and it is just not an acceptable argument to throw at someone, especially someone you are supposed to love.
This guy is judging you, and is a hypocrite. Can you make him see differently? not really. He may learn with time and maturity. But don't stand for his insecurity. If he genuinely believes what he says he does then let him believe it, but don't let him put you down in the process.
Women want to feel respected and not judged by their current partners, and those women who aren't, they eventually loose their feelings for the someone who can't accept them for who they are; lets hope your boyfriend doesn't make this common mistake.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 February 2008): hes wrong giving a blow job aint losing your virginity!
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A
male
reader, chlez83  +, writes (15 February 2008):
Ask him if your mouth and vagina are da same.Tell him that while having a hand job he was also penetrating the girl's hand.Bottom line is that he's being jealous and childish and probably looking for a reason to cause a break up with you.Don't feel intimidated or guilty.
Take care.
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A
male
reader, Dr. John +, writes (15 February 2008):
 There are many definitions for sex shown in the encyclopedia. I have provided the link so you can read it for yourself.
In my research for you I also found an article which is a bit more pointed from a moral and biblical point of view.
Please don't be offended here, my only intent is to define the boundries of sex, not to make you read the bible. However, I find that in a lot of cases the bible defines things a bit more pointedly in cases like this.
I do think, though, if you read this short article you will have a little more insight on the subject and it may give you the definitions you are attempting to find. Doc
http://www.encyclopedia.com/doc/1G1-168586765.html?Q=sex
http://www.watchtower.org/e/20040722a/article_01.htm
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A
female
reader, XxAngelDust89xX +, writes (15 February 2008):
 I personally belive that you lose your virginity when have INTERCOURSE for the first time. Thats the medical view i BELIVE.
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