A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I can't even think straight right now.My relationship with my boyfriend of nearly three years, who I love more than anything in the whole world, is on the brink of collapse.This is partially my fault, because I never brought it up before, and I really should have. We were talking about having a child soon. The topic of corporal punishment came up, and I am staunchly against it. This is absolutely a 100% deal breaker for me, and it is a similar deal breaker for him for me to not consider it.I will never have a child with someone who would even consider laying a hand on them. I do not move of this issue, and I tried to make it sound like I was thinking about re-examining my stance to allow us to cool off and discuss it with a clear head.I need help. He says he is hurt that I would let something so ridiculous come between us. How can I let him know that it is not ridiculous to me without inadvertently insulting him?Thanks. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (5 May 2013):
 I don't quite understand your question, OP : a " deal breaker "- either is a deal breaker, or it is not. Either it is something in which you believe so deeply and sincerely that you are even willing to let go of an otherwise great relationship just because of it, or else it is something about which you are willing to compromise and negotiate, so it's not really a deal breaker anymore.
In the first case, you don't even have to worry about justifying it, or making it more palatable to the other pary or less " ridicolous ". It is not ridicolous anyway, because it matters very deeply to you, end of story. The other party can either accept that ( giving up to their dealbreakers ) , or reject it, then you part ways.
This is not to seek conflict at any cost, in general I beleieve in the wisdom of compromisisng , and finding a middle course,an in-between, on most issues- but, then, if you are willing to adopt a middle course, then it is not a total deal breaker to begin with, is it ?
OP, moral integrity is about standing by your beliefs , also when it is painful or inconvenient. You can listen to the other party's reasons, out of fairness and courtesy ( I guess you did already ) but if they do not convince you and don't magically change your whole thinking on the spot - who cares about looking ridicolous or stubborn or difficult.
You believe what you believe and you don't have to bend over backwards to make other people kindly allow you the right to your beliefs.
Is your believe " I am not going to marry and have kids with a man who will beat up my kids "? " I am never going to be standing there watching while my blood and flesh are hit and mistreated by the man who's supposed to love and protect them "? Easy then, no need for so many diplomatic manouvres : either HE comes around to your way of thinking, or you go your separate ways.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 May 2013): How do you tell him it's not a ridiculous or minor thing? By being honest and telling him that this is such a big deal that if you both can't agree on it then your relationship has no future.
OP how would feel say if you had a little three year old and he hit that child to "teach it a lesson"?
Well there is no chance in hell you would ever accept that is there?
Then that's that, you and he can't have kids together and if you ever plan on having kids then this is not the guy you can have them with.
If he feels insulted by that then he's too immature to be in an adult relationship because frankly OP these are the important issues that must be discussed without fear of recrimination.
Something tells me you'll back down though, you already have backed down and you'll probably just do it again and shut up about it so you don't lose him. But guess what, you still will have to watch him hit your child if he feels he needs to and there's nothing you can do to stop that other than to not have kids with him.
Don't for one second think you can change his mind or that he will magically change his mind once he sees that kid.
OP I'm like you, when I have kids no one ever gets to use violence on them for any reason and anyone who tries will get the exact same treatment from me.
There is no chance in hell I will have kids with a woman who thinks hitting children is okay for any reason. Plenty of very effective disciplinary techniques that don't involve violence.
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female
reader, Got Issues  +, writes (5 May 2013):
 If this is a deal-breaker for both of you then you shouldn't raise children together. If you are planning to have children in the near future, then this is a big deal. I understand both sides of the argument but essentially I am against any kind of violence towards children because there is a very thin line between punishment and abuse. If I have children, I want their father to be a non-violent person because I couldn't stand by and watch him hit my child, no matter what s/he had done. It would make me love him less.
It's sad but you might be better off leaving him. You are young, so there is no rush to make a decision right now. It could be that he'll change his opinion, but it's unlikely.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 May 2013): If you are both certain of your approaches to this issue, and it is indeed a deal breaker, then the two of you are not compatible and ultimately the only thing you can do is end the relationship. I agree with you in that I don't countenance corporal punishment at all, so would not encourage you to try and compromise. Likewise, your bf has his own opinion, whether or not you agree with it, and I suppose that you have to respect his opinion in the same way you would expect him to respect yours.I would just add however, that unless children are imminent, you might want to leave the issue alone for now, unless it is a case of now you know his views on the matter, you feel you can't be with him any longer.Good luck. Make sure you mention this issue earlier in your next relationship.
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female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (5 May 2013):
 If he is as staunch in his belief corporal punishment of a child is okay as you are that it is not, this is not a ridiculous issue. If it is a deal breaker for both of you then guess what. The deal between the two of you is broken.
TBH I share your opinion, I think if you google some pictures of child abuse by parents or care givers, and some news articles of the same, he may realise just what it is he is supporting.
Try talking with him again, and let him know once and for all, this IS a dealbreaker, and there is no way you will countenance sharing a child with a person who advocates corporal punishment.
Good luck!
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