A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I had a baby in September. i had gone through my entire pregnancy without telling anyone i was pregnant. in retrospect, it was kind of a bad idea but in my defense, i was terribly confused and overwhelmed. once i had the baby, my family became incredibly supportive and i am truly blessed they are there for my baby. it had taken me some time to become comfortable with the idea of telling the father. again, i have no good reason for not telling him. we had a pretty uneventful breakup but he didn't exactly leave me feeling like i could contact him. in fact, he blocked me from social media for no reason and i had erased his phone number. i finally told him three days ago. he was shocked, understandably. he immediately began asking questions trying to create a timeline. then he said he wanted a dna test. then he.seemed really hurt that i hadn't told him and asked for pics of the baby and i. i haven't heard from him since. it's like ripping open an old scar. i love my baby and I'm incredibly happy but the father is like a thorn in my side. honestly, i want us to be a family. who wouldn't want that. I'm hurt that he wants a dna test but I'm willing, if only to prove to him. i can't help but wonder what will happen after the test. does he really need a test to love his son? i don't even want child support, i just want him to be there for him. why hasn't he said anything? do i really need to keep pursuing him? if It's going to be a hassle, i don't.even want to push it. is it so wrong for me to expect him to be a little more involved? Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 November 2014): I'm not sure what your relationship was like at first but you seem confused about what you want. You want to be a family, but he probably won't want that although he may want to be part of his child's life. Go ahead with testing and contact him or have whoever does the test contact him to have him tested. You need to do this anyway to establish paternity if you eventually want him to pay child support. It sounds like he is in shock from this news and probably in denial that this could be his child and from your description of him he will take the tactic of avoidance of the whole situation for the time being. He has behaved in a cowardly fashion due to the way he has treated you in the relationship and then just dropped out of your life. Only time will tell if he will man up or not, but I wouldn't count on him for much. It sounds like he would have flaked out whenever you had told him about this most likely and certainly he would have asked for a paternity test also I'm sure. In the meantime, you have managed well getting through a pregnancy on your own after a painful break up, obviously it would have been better to inform him right away. Now you need to focus on being the best parent you can be with the support of your family. Good luck to you.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 November 2014): I was one of the previous commenters. I don't think you have mental problems.
Telling the father was a difficult step that showed maturity and responsibility on your part. But it took you most of a year to go through with it. He hasn't had quite as much time to deal.
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reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (20 November 2014):
 Honeypie has given you great advice, call Child Support Services and see what they can do for you as far as the DNA Test and setting up child support afterwards. Once you get that in the works you contact the father so he can get tested until then just let him be the one to contact you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 November 2014): some of you are incredibly rude. i may be a dumb ass but you don't have to keep saying I have mental problems. this isn't the first time someone has hid their pregnancy. maybe i didn't feel like i had support. i handled everything wrong but it felt like my only option at the time. I'm trying to make things better here. that should count for something, however futile and dysfunctional.
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reader, Honeypie +, writes (20 November 2014):
 People aren't being ANTI you and PRO ex bf.
We are ALL just trying to make you SEE that there are 2 sides to this coin. And you REFUSE to see his. Maybe because you had hoped for a little redemption?
YES, it was a BIG mistake to not tell him, you know that now. NOT something you can change. So GO from here. Don't live in the past.
YOU did something brave. YOU decided to have a CHILD all on your own. You and your ex made a HUGE mistake in not using protecting and the result was a child. That doesn't mean the child is a mistake or that you will fail as a parent. I think it actually might show that YOU are WILLING to take responsibility for YOUR actions. And that IS a good trait in a parent, or in ANY ONE.
No one here is saying that your ex was a great guy and it's your fault. He's a chicken who couldn't even MAN UP and "dump" you back in the day. BUT that doesn't make him a BAD guy. Maybe just really immature? So if you factor that into the whole bombshell *you are now a dad* thing, how else could he react?
One of my nieces got knocked up when she was 17, and the "father" REFUSED to believe that it sometimes ONLY takes one time for pregnancy to happen. He thought she was trying to manipulate him into a relationship. He was 19 and ALREADY had 2 kids with 2 other girls, YOU would think this dude KNEW that using a condom is the SMART thing to do, right? Anyways, he refused to believe her till he saw the DNA test and even then.. he hasn't been there (financially or any other way) for his daughter. The guy is a loser.
He kind of reminds me of your BF. Immature and not very considerate. BUT that STILL doesn't mean there is something wrong with his reaction. It is a BIG deal to become a parent. Us mothers get a good 9 months to get used to it, he has had 3 days.
Give him a week.
Once that week is up, call him and tell him you will get help in setting up the DNA test. In the mean time CALL Child Support Services and set up a meeting. Even IF this guy doesn't WANT to be a dad, doesn't exempt him from the RESPONSIBILITY of paying child support. The pregnancy wasn't YOUR fault. NEITHER of you used birth-control, you both knew what CAN happen when you have unprotected sex. It's a baby. YOU have been taking the FULL responsibility bu carrying the baby to term and now raising the baby. TIME for him to grow up too.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 November 2014): "i just don't understand why he hasn't said anything. doesn't he have questions/concerns?"He probably doesn't want to say anything he'll regret even though it would be true, an admirable exercise of restraint considering he's just discovered that he's probably going to tied for life to the virtual stranger with whom he had a casual fling a year ago, especially when said stranger has obvious mental health issues."but I'm telling him now. excuse me if i want things to move along so we can all get on with our lives."Sorry, but you do not have the right to dictate the terms under which your ex processes the bombshell which you just dropped to suit your convenience."it's really offensive that everyone keeps saying i need therapy. I'm not the bad one here."You may not be the "bad one" but you are the one who chose to hide your pregnancy to the detriment of your child and his father. That enough would be enough to suggest you need therapy, but your unrealistic expectations regarding the putative father's reaction to the sudden, unexpected news that he has a kid with a chick he dumped a year ago only serves to confirm it. "i made a bad decision but I'm trying to fix it." On your terms. Unfortunately, the world doesn't revolve around you; actions (or lack thereof) have consequences beyond your control.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 November 2014): alright, sorry for taking offense. everyone has valid points. i know there's something terribly wrong with me that i couldn't tell anyone. maybe i shouldn't have a child, but i do and I'm trying the best that i can. maybe i was being.hard on myself for making such stupid mistakes that ultimately resulted in an unwanted pregnancy. but I love the kid and i will try my hardest to give him the world. i feel like there's just a lot of sympathy for him. ok, i told the father and he's incredibly shocked. the main reason i didn' tell him was because i felt like i couldn't. he just stopped talking to me. now i told him and he's just stopped talking again. I'm not asking him for anything. if he doesn't want to be there, fine. I've made my peace with that. yes we were only together for a little over a month and we'd been talking for several months before that. we were both idiots to have unprotected sex. it resulted in this baby and why does everyone forget MY life changed too. I may have had 10 months to get over it, but it wasn't easy. I've given up hope in being a family now. i just want this all to be over with. i just want to prove to him he's the father and leave it. he can live with or forget the fact that he's fathered a child after that. so would it be too much to text him and ask him how feels about it now that he's had a few days?
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reader, Honeypie +, writes (20 November 2014):
Consider this.
What IF, your ex showed up out of the blue and told you he had AIDS, and you needed to go test.
Not that I'm comparing your baby with AIDS, but they are BOTH humongous LIFE changing experiences. Specially if you are both in your 20's.
You said it was a short barely there relationship? Or did I mistake that part? So if he is doubting that he COULD be or IS the father, what's wrong in that? Because HE betrayed YOUR trust, he should JUST trust you, when you show up a YEAR later to let him know ;" hey, dude... I just had your kid."
Without doubt agree to the DNA testing, not for YOUR sake but for that of your child. Even IF this ex don't want to be in the child's life, your child still have a right to know who fathered him.
As for wanting to be a family now. I think that is overreaching and unrealistic. You didn't trust him enough when you dated, you didn't care enough to inform him of the pregnancy, so why would you SETTLE for this guy as a life partner? Because he accidentally knocked you up? Want more for yourself.
I can't even imagine how scary it was to be all alone with a pregnancy. However, you were ALONE out of choice. He might or might not have been there for you IF you had told, so that is a moot point, that you NEED to stop beating yourself up about, and SURELY stop beating him up about.
He isn't overjoyed. Because he wasn't part of ANY of it. Give him time. YOU had a WHOLE year, and 9 of those 12 months were YOU carrying this baby. So, while there might have been an initial surprise for you - the "OH shoot I'm pregnant moment" ... HE JUST has his :"Oh shoot I'm a dad? moment". It's SCARY stuff. It was for you, it IS for him.
Make SURE he has the means to contact you. MAKE sure you have his contact info. Contact Child Support Services and ask how you go about setting up a DNA test for your child/the dad. They will help you with the process of Child support and DNA testing.
As for hoping he will step up and BE a dad, I would try and keep my hopes to a bare minimum. So you won't be to disappointed if he doesn't. And who knows you might met a guy who CAN be that GUY for you and a father figure for your child. Blood doesn't mean he will be a good dad. Doesn't mean he would be a bad one either. But don't put all your eggs in a broken basket.
Good luck
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reader, WhenCowsAttack +, writes (20 November 2014):
It is offensive that people are telling you that you need therapy? Why did you ask for advice if you are only going to get angry about answers that you don't like? That you are SOOOO offended shows me that on some level you know it is true. And yes, anyone who hides a pregnancy from EVERYONE IN HER LIFE UNTIL THE BABY IS BORN needs help, I won't back down from that stance. There is something very, very wrong with your behavior, and if you can't be adult enough to see that you need help then I have serious doubts that you are adult enough to raise another human being.
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reader, jls022  +, writes (20 November 2014):
OP you told him 3 days ago! You showed up out of the blue and dropped a life-changing bomb on him, then get mad because he isn't reacting the way you wanted him to? Yes I'm afraid you are being selfish - very much so.
Give the guy space and time to let this sink in then see how he feels. The tests and everything else can wait. For now, concentrate on the baby and leave him to come to you when he is ready. If you don't want people to judge you for the way you dealt with it, then don't do the same to him.
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reader, celtic_tiger +, writes (20 November 2014):
 OP sadly you cannot rush this. Whether you like it or not, you have dropped a bomb into this man's life.
Three days is a very short time to get his head around it, and come to terms with the situation.
Rightly or wrongly, regardless of the fact he dumped you, he deserves a little bit of time to get used to the idea of being a dad. Sadly you may just have been a fling to him, and a baby is the last thing he expected to come out of it. The fact he has not heard from you or seen you in all this time, and suddenly you present him with a bouncing bundle of joy, he will be in total panic-mode.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 November 2014): i don't think i was being selfish at all. we only had a short relationship, yes, but he ended up lying and breaking my trust. i didn't think he was very dependable. I'm sure he would've reacted the same way back then too. i chose to do what i did because yes, i was bitter. he'd only just broken my heart. i made a bad decision, but i was hurting. i was alone. i just had a life changing discovery and i wanted to keep the baby. i needed to prove to myself that i could do this alone. i needed to become stronger. i told him now. he's still little, young enough to not know anything or to be hurt. i know that it's a little late but he's got his whole life ahead of him. i realize the importance of the presence of his father. I'm trying to reach out now while time can still be made up. i just don't understand why he hasn't said anything. doesn't he have questions/concerns? i know it was a lot but I'd rather get to the bottom of this paternity thing sooner than later. he's growing fast and there's already so much he could be missing out on. i know i screwed up by not telling him, but I'm telling him now. excuse me if i want things to move along so we can all get on with our lives. instead of doubting me, just get the damn test already. i wasted all this time and I regret it. and it's really offensive that everyone keeps saying i need therapy. I'm not the bad one here. I'm not just trying to get someone to claim my illegitimate child. my baby will do just fine, I'm just trying to sort this father issue out now while it's still early. i was a hormonal, confused, heart broken person at the time. i made a bad decision but I'm trying to fix it.
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reader, celtic_tiger +, writes (20 November 2014):
I have just seen your response OP and I am a little confused. How long were you in a relationship for?
"but he was the one who just ghosted out. he didn't even have the balls to really break it off. he just stopped talking to me when i confronted him about flirting with someone else"
To me, this just sounds like a relatively normal breakdown. You didn't trust him (he potentially cheated), your relationship ended. You were not married, and yes, closure is nice, but if it was only a short relationship, really he doesn't owe you anything. A baby is a massive deal. If you had told him sooner, perhaps he wouldn't have ignored you.
"i understand he needs time but how much time? am i supposed to be "punished" for not telling him right away, when he didn't give me the same courtesy, by waiting forever for him to decide if he will be there for his son?"
Um - so you equate simply breaking up, and not talking to you, to not telling him he has a son? Did you not tell him as punishment for him leaving you? Are you still very bitter about it?
I think you have your priorities a bit squiffy. Relationships break down, men flake out and disappear. It happens.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 November 2014): Of course he wants a DNA test. He doesn't know what you've been up to since you broke up so for all he knows this is not his child.
Even if it is his child, he didn't know this baby existed so how can he love someone he doesn't know? He will learn to love the baby with time but you have to be patient with him.
You owe him an apology for keeping this from him. Be patient
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 November 2014): "does he really need a test to love his son?"
No, he needs a test to be certain that he indeed has a son to love. If you had suddenly informed me out of the blue that I was the father of your two-month-old kid then I would immediately have assumed that he real baby daddy had dumped you and trying to pass the kid off as mine was your belated Plan B. He would be an absolute fool to take you at your word after months of silence.
You really have a lot of nerve, acting so selfishly and then getting your panties in a bunch because he's not responding the way you want him when you drop a bombshell like this on him with no prior warning.
I'm glad your family is being supportive for your baby's sake, given that what is convenient for you apparently takes precedence over your child's best interests.
Agree with WCA, you've made some incredibly poor decisions and you need therapy.
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reader, WhenCowsAttack +, writes (20 November 2014):
You have made some poor choices. Out of fear, you concealed a pregnancy, not only from him, but apparently from everyone who loves you.
Honey, you need therapy. His reaction of shock is completely normal. You hid this information from him until after the baby was born.
Do the DNA test, and get counseling immediately. Why couldn't you tell anyone? Even your closest family? You are lucky, they LOVE you and have welcomed your beautiful baby into their lives. What were you so afraid of, and why? These are very important questions, and the answers will help you to be the best mother to that baby that you possibly can, and that is the most important thing, far more important than any issues surrounding the father. YOU will be this baby's mother and primary caregiver forever, and you should see to your own mental and emotional health above all else.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 November 2014): well of course he's in the right to request dna. i have no problem with that. I know I'm in the wrong for not telling him but he was the one who just ghosted out. he didn't even have the balls to really break it off. he just stopped talking to me when i confronted him about flirting with someone else. i understand he needs time but how much time? am i supposed to be "punished" for not telling him right away, when he didn't give me the same courtesy, by waiting forever for him to decide if he will be there for his son?
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 November 2014): The guy could not trust you to inform him when you decided to carry, birth, and keep his child. That's a pretty big deal and I personally think you owed him the truth a long time ago. And you must have been out of contact with this guy for most of a year since he didn't even know you were pregnant. You and him have obviously not been too close for a while.Given all this, is it so shocking that now the guy wants outside proof that this child you are suddenly waving in front of his face is really his? I think he would be a moron not to request a DNA test before doing anything else.
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reader, celtic_tiger +, writes (20 November 2014):
I agree with Janniepeg.
Think back to how you felt when you first found out you were pregnant. How did you feel? How long did it take you to process and come to terms with the situation?
For all this mans faults, you have just delivered a massive shock to him! Three days ago he found out he is "potentially" a father, and you are expecting him to just carry on as if everything is normal? You have had a whole 9 months+ to come to terms with the whole thing.
He has not seen or heard from you in that time, and probably moved on and been living his life - babies have not come into his head. So this will have been a massive massive shock. Give him time. It is understandable he would want a DNA test, and I think you should respect that. If the shoe was on the other foot, wouldn't you want to know for sure?
Taking responsibility for a child is a massive thing, not only to be a parent, but also for many other things including health. If he wasn't the father and one day your child needed some kind of medical assistance from a blood relative, the wrong father could be an issue.... hypothetical, but you get my point.
Let him come to terms with the facts first. Then you can deal with the other stuff.
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reader, janniepeg  +, writes (20 November 2014):
 This is all a shock to him . At first he was in denial. For these few days he's thinking why you haven't told him. He's having to make a major life adjustment since he's responsible for the baby half the time. He has reasons to doubt it's his. He hasn't had the time to prepare for the baby and bond with him/her. I think you didn't tell him because you didn't want anyone to influence your decision regarding to keep it, put it up for adoption or abortion. You only wanted to focused on the pregnancy and not think about the relationship. His no contact made it convenient for you to not deal with the unpleasant news although I feel you parents must have urged you to tell him. For all 9 months you've had all this time and he only has 3 days to process this. Like many guys he would have thought you didn't know who the father was and gave it a shot with an ex. He does need a test because he isn't even sure if that's his baby. You need to keep pursuing him and have the test done because if you back out he would think you were just bluffing and gave up pestering him.
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